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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not being listened to or something else?

9 replies

Diamond61 · 20/12/2021 06:23

My partner has always bought be surprise gifts. He is generous financially, and the gifts are often very expensive. However, they are nearly always ‘not me’ and I sometimes wonder who he is buying them for. He will say that he saw this item in the shop and had visions of me wearing it for example, even though I have never worn or bought something like that before. My income does not match his at all. I always ask him would he would like, and we go to the shop and chooses it. I have started to tell him what I need and would like. But still he buys things that he says make him think of me when he sees them. This year, a particular charity has become very important to me. He knows why. Instead of a present, I asked him to make a donation to this charity. His response was that in view of what I said, that he would make a donation to XX Charity, because he had been impressed by the work they have done. Sounds good, except that it wasn’t the charity that I asked the donation to be made to. It is in the same field of work, but it is for a different (and well supported) charity.
I don’t know what to say to him anymore, and am thinking of ending things as we have little in common anyway. We can’t even rub together well on this.

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 20/12/2021 07:10

Don't give him anything for Christmas. Instead, donate the equivalent of his gift money to the charity of your choice, tell him and then end it. Good luck Flowers

Icecreaminwinter · 20/12/2021 07:14

Is he trying to make you into something you’re not? Or is he just oblivious to what you really like?

Diamond61 · 20/12/2021 07:22

SummerWhisper - that is great advice and I will do just that. Thank you!!
Icecreaminwinter - I think it’s a bit of both, except I don’t think he is oblivious, but I feel that my voice isn’t as important as his.

It’s really got me down tbh. To ignore my wishes re: a choice of charity was the icing on the cake. I can’t be with someone like this. We don’t live together, no kids, no mortgage, so calling it a day is easier for me than for other people. I’m grateful for that.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/12/2021 07:25

I think you are right to walk away. He's trying to mould you into what he thinks you should be and is doing slyly by pretending to be kind.

The donation proves that. He does what he wants and you should just go with it because he's being oh so 'generous'.

It's completely disrespectful.

ANameChangeAgain · 20/12/2021 07:29

He sounds as though he thinks he knows better, which is very unattractive. Have you ever challenged this?

GoodnightGrandma · 20/12/2021 07:31

I agree that you should end it.
You’re not being heard.

Diamond61 · 20/12/2021 07:38

ANameChangeAgain - you’ve just reminded me of something … yes, I have challenged it. Once - last Christmas. My iPad broke and he offered to buy me a new one. Asked for an iPad mini as it’s smaller for a handbag. He said that would be unsuitable, and that the standard one was better. The new iPad was actually bigger than the original (probably a design thing) so it definitely didn’t go into the bag. I didn’t say anything. As you say … he had spent £380 or whatever they cost. It would make me look ungrateful. He, in the other hand looks really generous and I’m the envy of my friends. Mmm … perhaps it is very subtle.

OP posts:
Diamond61 · 20/12/2021 07:41

Reading the above … I didn’t challenge it did I? I noticed it and kept the peace. girlmom21 - you are spot on.

OP posts:
Dery · 20/12/2021 08:08

This is just weird, particularly the charity thing. Then it just becomes his donation, not your present. It sounds like this behaviour is outweighing everything else for you so it does make sense to end it.

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