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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don’t know what to do

21 replies

Verysadperson101 · 19/12/2021 22:28

I’ve been with my fiancé for nearly 8 years. Before then I was with my other partner for 8 years. I’m 31 now, I’ve never lived on my own, I’ve never had experiences on my own. I’m due to be married in 7 months and realising now that I don’t think it’s actually something I want. We’ve also been trying for a baby with no luck for over a year. I’m just so lost. I thought this was what I wanted but. I can’t explain it but I feel like I’ve been sleeping for the past 8 years without any real thought to what I actually want. My partner is very loving, caring and funny. However, I’m here looking at 1 bedroom flats and counting up my savings. I can’t do this anymore. I do love him, but I don’t think I’m Inlove with him. I feel so so so guilty. I don’t know how to break up with him without completing devastating him and our families. I just want to be alone and live on my own. What have other people done in this situation? Thank you.

OP posts:

Cici22 · 19/12/2021 22:29

Get out while you can, otherwise you'll end up so unhappy and running his life as well. Give yourself and him a chance at being happy x

mailpal · 19/12/2021 22:36

Speak it through with someone who knows you.. or perhaps a therapist as well..

I agree though if you're feeling this way before being married it's a red flag you should check in with

I'm 34 been in relationship since age 17 have regretted it at times

But we are working on ourselves and I have realised so much about myself

Be bold and brave whatever you decide xx

marly2 · 19/12/2021 22:38

Say it quickly. I was in this position 2 years ago and felt I'd better go through with it because I was embarrassed and didn't want to lose face. It totally messed up the next 15 years of my life. Recognise your feelings and act
before it's too late, please!

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2021 22:43

You sound really clear. That’s good.

You’ll just have to tell him. Quick and honest. It sucks but at least you know now.

Good luck to you.

Christmascakecakecheese · 19/12/2021 22:48

It won't be nice but it's so much better than going into a marriage that you don't want to be in. You'd be saving both of you a lot of upset later on.

Mumof3confused · 19/12/2021 22:56

Having seen friends marry men they shouldn’t have married, the fallout once married much much worse if you do go through with it feeling like this. Counselling?

IWasFunBeforeMum · 19/12/2021 22:56

Finish it before there's a child involved.

Original poster

Verysadperson101 · 19/12/2021 22:58

Thank you so much for your replies. I definitely feel like I’m having a crisis over here. On paper my partner is kind, caring and such a gentle soul. I honestly feel so guilty for thinking any of this. But you’re all right, letting this go on longer will cause so much hurt :(

OP posts:

Silverchamber · 19/12/2021 23:01

At 35 I realised this too. I'd gone from an 8 year relationship straight into a 10 year one and married the last one. I had doubts I pushed down and really wished I had had your clarity before I went through with it. Neither of my partners were bad people, but I really wished I had spent more of my youth alone and the resentment and suffocation I felt destroyed the marriage.

Loveisthere · 19/12/2021 23:25

Fgs grow up. You have been trying for a child for over a year but now decided after 8 years he is not the one. So by now you could have a 3 month child, be a single parent because you cannot make up your mind. This is real life treat it as such and make up your mind what you want

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2021 23:29

@Loveisthere

Lay off her. She hasn’t got a 3 month old and she’s absolutely right to think this all through now before she makes decisions she might regret.

It’s far more grown up to be honest and act accordingly than bow to pressure and stay where you’re not happy, hopeful or fulfilled.

Sungoesdown · 19/12/2021 23:31

I agree with the previous responses, if you're absolutely sure then don't do it. I went against my gut and am now clearing up the mess it's made and trying to restore my self esteem and confidence in the process.

I'd also say to talk it through with someone if you can and ensure you've done everything you can to get the spark back before leaving. You want to be able to look back and know you did everything you could and not have any question marks hanging over you.

@Silverchamber - can I ask, have you met someone since? I'm also 35 and have just ended a relationship that clearly wasn't right

Original poster

Verysadperson101 · 19/12/2021 23:34

I also need to mention I have had a miscarriage

OP posts:

Original poster

Verysadperson101 · 19/12/2021 23:36

In the 8 years I have loved him dearly, people are allowed to change course and nothing is linear. My feelings now are valid.

OP posts:

Allsortsofroses · 20/12/2021 00:02

I don’t know how to break up with him without completing devastating him and our families

He'll recover.

They'll recover.

It's actually amazing how fast things can change and how quickly someone else can be met, familiar abd installed in peoples lives.

Things often move quickly in relationships around your age; people are bery open to serius relationships, marriage and kids. Ots the settling time for many people. He'll be snapped up.

Dont stat on his account, if that's your reason.

He and hid family will ve surprised then sad, but then get over it. You'll ve shocked at how quickly and completely, I'd imagine.

Allsortsofroses · 20/12/2021 00:03

Sorry about the typos.

Allsortsofroses · 20/12/2021 00:04

Likewise your family will adjust, and anyone decent will not want you settling with someone who you no longer feel is right for you.

interest12 · 20/12/2021 00:10

When you mentally get to this point in a relationship it’s hard to switch it back. It sounds like you should leave. People change a lot in their 20s. Your 30s are a great time to figure out what you want and have some time single or dating… overall it’s fun not something to be scared of

Ilady · 20/12/2021 01:30

From what you have told us you know that your no longer happy in this relationship. I would stop trying to get pregnant and tell your other half that you have decided to end things with him. I know it won't be easy but it's better to do this now rather than getting married or adding a baby to a dead relationship.
I know 2 people who ended long relationships because they knew it was the right thing to do. One of the people did not want a family but his oh did. She is now married and has a family.
Another person I know decided not to get married a few weeks before the wedding. They had both changed in their 20's and their relationship had come to an end. Yes their oh was upset at the time but now is in a happy relationship.
You deserve to be happy and so does he and as you get older you change. Spending some time on your own now can help you decide what you want long term.

SortingItOut · 20/12/2021 05:10

If you want to live on your own but still love your partner why cant you just live apart?

There's even a name for it - Living Apart Together.
Its becoming much more common.

Its what I plan to do with my boyfriend, I had a really crap marriage and I'm so over living with a man again.

MizzFizz · 20/12/2021 05:26

Agree with PP, why don't you try living on your own for 6 months? My DH and I have been together for 13 years but about 8 years in I took a job in another city and lived alone in a studio flat for 2 years. I absolutely LOVED it. He visited all the time but it was like a missing piece of my youth had been found. Could you slow the wedding plans (and stop the baby plans), and tell DF you need to do this for yourself. And then see how you feel from there...?

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