Need to cut my father off but want contact with mother still

[Kegbot]

This weekend my parents came down to visit us.
I’ve always been close to my Mum and have only in the last few years grown closer to my father after a history of general disagreements.

Their visit was a bit last minute and we were going to a neighbours Christmas party - and they said I should bring my parents.

My dad drinks quite a bit and when he hits the whiskey I get nervous. I was really nervous about taking them. I even said to my husband that this was probably ‘last chance saloon’ for him.

My mum left after a couple of hours and dad went with her…I was relieved and felt I could finally relax but he ended up coming back.

I left him chatting away in a corner with another friend who is a similar age and has similar interests and everything seemed to be going OK.

The party came to an end and we were trying to leave. I told my Dad we were leaving and he was horrifically drunk and seemed to think I was “throwing him out”. Noticing what happened, I asked my husband to intervene because I didn’t want to get involved.

Our other friend - again a similar age - told
My dad we were all off and he said he wasn’t
leaving until he finished his drink. It was all rather aggressive, especially in the home of someone he didn’t know.

Luckily, our friends at this party could see I was upset and did step in to try and calm him but he just got angrier and angrier.

I felt really embarrassed.

Eventually we got him to bed, but in the morning he was blaming me and my husband and taking no responsibility.

My mum has said she wants to leave him too but feels she can’t.

Luckily, some neighbours popped over today -including the ones whose house we were at - to check we were Okay and let us know not to be embarrassed.

I just can’t cope with this negativity and walking on eggshells anymore - I need to cut him out of our family’s life, but we all love my darling Mum. I can’t see how I can cut him out but keep her in our lives.

Retirement and COVID has hit my dad hard and he seems to have no direction. His entire personality has changed for the worst and it’s not fair on us to have to put up with it.

Has anybody else cut off one parent but kept in contact with the other? How do you make it work?

Hi OP, that sounds like a horrible experience. I am 2 years on from cutting off my father but keeping in contact with my mum, they are still married. Just realised it is actually two years almost to the day! The final straw came off the back of years of suffocation/controlling behaviour from my dad so it was relatively easy to cut him off.

This may not be what you want to hear, but In my experience it’s not really possible to cut one parent off and maintain a meaningful relationship with the other whilst they remain together. Perhaps it is simply the controlling nature of my father but my relationship with my mum has dwindled to something very surface only. I haven’t seen her in over a year and not just because of COVID. She’s never met my 14 month old. My father makes it too difficult for her to come and see us and I won’t go there obviously. She can only ring me when my father is not around which means I can never just pick up the phone and ring her. He would just be in the background making nasty comments.

My resentment towards her for failing to stand up to him and come and see us and meet my son has led to us having a superficial relationship only. Despite asking and asking she makes excuses and I’ve become tired of it now. Sadly, what was once a lovely supportive relationship is no more. I’m sure if she left my dad (she never will) things would improve but whilst they remain together, it’s too hard to maintain our precious relationship.

I’m sorry not to be able to say it can work and maybe someone will come along who can help, but that’s my experience. Hugs x

She may well not accept you cutting out her husband from your life. Your mum is with your dad for her own reasons and she like your dad gets what they wants out of their relationship. Their relationship is an enabling and toxic codependent one. She has chosen him and she may well keep on choosing him over you. She really cannot be relied upon either and she failed to protect you from him and his alcoholism when you were growing up.

You have a choice not to put up with this dynamic from either parent here.

Hard as it is you’re going to have to walk away from them both. You need radiators in your life, not drains. These people are a drain on you.

Thank you @Shefliesonherownwings! It sounds very difficult but hopefully worth it in terms of removing that influence from your life. I expect you are right and there will be a big change in my relationship with Mum going forward. x

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think that’s a very good assessment and I definitely hadn’t thought of it that way.

They are in a relationship and a couple, so it would be extremely difficult to have zero contact with one and a close relationship with the other.
It may also make things worse for her, to be put directly in the middle.

In your shoes I would consider going NC with both but telling your mum very clearly that it if she ever wants to leave and needs help and support you will be there for her and you love her, but you have to step away.

@BrilliantBetty You’re right there. I definitely wouldn’t want to make things hard for her. He gives her such a hard time anyway, dressing it up as ‘caring’. Cutting off contact with her will be awful for her though too and potentially leave her feeling isolated.
I do have a sister who lives close to them. She has also tried NC with dad and kept things going with mum and eventually it just didn’t work.

I also feel stupid taking him in the first place, but we had had a really nice weekend up until that point and I felt confident he would behave himself.
And the fact we got no apology or even acknowledgement the next day really user us both.
My Mum thinks he just doesn’t remember, but that’s terrible in itself and is just a repeating behaviour I don’t need in my life.

@Shefliesonherownwings is spot on. Exactly the same experience here. You’ll grow to resent your DM for not having the backbone to leave DF.

@Shefliesonherownwings Yes, she is very much spot on. I’ve been giving all this lots of thought.
Luckily I have a lovely relationship with my in-laws so just excited now to go there for Christmas and start to move on with my life!