Can you have a marriage without sex/ intimacy?

[Harrangued]

I cannot remember the last time H (no longer DH) had sex with me. He’s obsessed with work again and by time he gets home he cooks and then is asleep by 9pm! Thankfully his drinking habit seems to be under control but I’m feeling very much neglected.

Tried talking to him endlessly about this, to no avail. I just get a cup of tea and cuddle (kiss on the head) like that will make everything ok! I know I have put on a lot of weight and had MH issues following having the kids, but I just feel so lonely in this marriage. I’m not yet 50 but will be soon and keep thinking is this it?

I’m fearful if I separate I’ll be in a far worse situation, especially financially and for future companionship. Stupidly reading about celebrities and seeing the grass isn’t greener puts me off. Friends and family would also think I’m foolish when I seem to have a good, stable marriage. But it doesn’t feel that way. I feel so unloved and lonely. I’ve investigated HRT but these feelings and lack of intimacy have been going on for years. I feel so sad and trapped, we were supposed to go Christmas shopping together this weekend and I don’t see any inclination from him despite me reminding him or ‘fucking nagging him’ as I often get told and have to shut up going on at him. I have to choose my words carefully and usually I now do this by text, which he then ignores😢

Sorry this is a vent, anyone else feel this way? What do I do?

So the issue isn’t just about the lack of sex, it’s that actually your H isn’t nice to you, doesn’t care about the way he speaks to you or how that makes you feel.

If the relationship was otherwise ok, then my advice would be to talk about the reasons for the lack of sex.
But given the other issues, please ask yourself why you choose to stay with this man?

You deserve so much better, and you would be happier out of this marriage.

Doesn’t sound like there is much love on either side,

we were supposed to go Christmas shopping together this weekend and I don’t see any inclination from him despite me reminding him or ‘fucking nagging him’ as I often get told and have to shut up going on at him. I have to choose my words carefully and usually I now do this by text,

I doubt he even wants to have sex with you based on the above, and communicating by text sounds awful, both of you might be better off if you separated

Thanks both of you for responding. I think I’m really really scared to separate and am trying to convince myself ways to keep this dead marriage alive😢

Lack of sex and jack of intimacy are two different things
And ime lack of sex is often a symptom of something deeper going on.

I completely get the fear associated with being financially ok. My answer is to try and build up that financial independence.

Because, again imo, living like this is soul destroying.

Btw from your description your dh has stepped out if the relationship already. He doesn’t want to be involved. He is working stupid hours, doesn’t want to things together.

You wouldn’t keep contacting a friend who is always unavailable or find excuses as to why they have to cancel. Why keeping pushing for him to be part of the marriage if he doesn’t want to be?

Who cares what anyone else thinks? It’s your miserable marriage, you know what it’s really like and it sounds crap.

What sort of companionship can you realistically look forward to if all he does is work and sleep and the two of you share no meaningful communication?

I couldn’t have a celibate marriage but you’ve got far bigger issues than that.

Look into the finances if you divorce. It’s with exploring so you know what your options are.

Having been lonely in a shit marriage and lonely on my own I know which I prefer. And actually I wasn’t lonely on my own, it was scary but incredibly liberating. Living with someone who sucks the energy out of your life is fucking exhausting. Being in charge of your own choices is amazing. I’d rather live in my car than be this miserable and tread of eggshells to avoid someone verbally abusing me.

I feel similarly to you, similar age too (husband a bit older). He is totally wrapped up in his job and just doesn't think about anything else. I've brought it up several times over the years but he tends to clam up. We do it once and then it just fades away again. My 'love language' is definitely physical touch and his definitely is not. He's not a horrible person but I do feel very deprived. Have no advice obviously

It sounds to me like you are unhappy in general and there may be a few reasons for this. Rather than make any major decisions which will have big and stressful life consequences perhaps you need to give yourself a period of time to work on your own MH and overall sense of well being.
That way you’ll be in a better place to assess things and make good decisions.

Hi op. I would do things that make you happy and feel better about yourself. Join a gym, cook tasty healthy food, buy yourself some nice things, do a hobby you enjoy. Spend time with people who you like being with and doing what you enjoy doing.

Your relationship might change when he sees you happy and confident and if he doesn't, you'll be in a stronger position mentally to split.

Similar age, older DH, intimacy is variable due to perimenopause & things not being as reliable but he's nice to me!

Your H sounds like he's checked out. A dead parrot is dead, no reviving possible. I'd be off in your situation, what's to be gained by marriage via text with added abuse?

I have lost my confidence as I feel unsexy and unfit, I look in the mirror and find so many faults with myself, my DD often rolls her eyes at my ‘victim hood’ - wtf?!

I run my own business but not enough to manage and look after two teenage kids on my own. He is the breadwinner and I feel like that is the power he has over me.

I do think about leaving a lot, but need the courage, I told him today that the marriage isn’t working we need to separate and he went yeah you’re right and has ignored me since. It’s painful, whenever I try to address there is no solution.

Later he will make dinner and then act like everything is normal, then tell me he wants to save the marriage as he does still care, he loves me, rinse and repeat every day, month, year😢

Nearly 50 and worried I’ll stay like this forever.

This might be terrible advice and I’m happy to be corrected as I’m not an expert on these matters but…

I think you need to build up your own confidence and self worth. I think you should find a hobby that makes you really happy and excited to be alive again. Learn a language, join a choir etc. You’ll make friends and likely gain some confidence.
If your unhappiness stems from how you perceive your appearance to be, do something to change that. Start walking every evening. You’ll feel healthier physically and mentally with a big of exercise. You can listen to podcasts or music that makes you happy while you do it. Take it as some much deserved “me” time.

I think once you’re happy with yourself, you will see that you deserve to be happy and you will be more likely to have the strength to end your marriage.

Thank you, it doesn’t feel like terrible advice at all. I’m going to look into activities next year, pandemic and lockdown permitting.

After trying to do laundry, hoover and get most of the house together, I’ve just collapsed here in a heap crying. Really upset that I wanted to go out and do something as a family but no one can be arsed. H is festering in the kitchen trying to make Sunday dinner and ignoring me.

I will get my confidence back, I want to. I have to! It’s helpful venting on here.

If both people agree and are happy with that then fine. If not big problems.

Would you want your daughter to think this is a normal marriage or relationship? Would you be happy if this relationship was hers? If the answer is no, then perhaps an appointment with a good family lawyer would be a better use of your time than anything else atm? Just knowing where you stand if you decide to divorce, gives you some confidence and a feeling of taking some control over your life. It doesn’t mean you have to dive into immediately divorcing him (though I really wouldn’t blame you if you did), and nobody needs to know you’ve done this. Trust me, you’ll find it empowering. Atm, you’re letting him have all the control over YOUR life and future. Show your daughter that she shouldn’t accept this sort of treatment, that you value yourself and know your worth. If you decide to put up with this v unpleasant man, then ignore him as much as possible, treat him like a dull colleague, and make your own life as happy as possible.

@Harrangued

Thank you, it doesn’t feel like terrible advice at all. I’m going to look into activities next year, pandemic and lockdown permitting.

After trying to do laundry, hoover and get most of the house together, I’ve just collapsed here in a heap crying. Really upset that I wanted to go out and do something as a family but no one can be arsed. H is festering in the kitchen trying to make Sunday dinner and ignoring me.

I will get my confidence back, I want to. I have to! It’s helpful venting on here.

You’ve done all the jobs so now get yourself out! Have a mooch around your local garden centre. Buy some hot chocolate and treat yourself. There is no time like the present and it sounds like no one else in your house has any interest in making you happy so do it yourself. Come on. Boots on, scarf on, coat on. Purse, keys, phone.

It’s time to inject some joy in your life.

@Harrangued

Thanks both of you for responding. I think I’m really really scared to separate and am trying to convince myself ways to keep this dead marriage alive😢

Unfortunately it takes 2 people to do that ( or have sex), as other say sounds a bit like your husband has checked out

I had been making similar comments to my counsellor about wanting to A and B as a family and then nothing happening.

She asked me what stopped from doing those things anyway. What would H say if I was just saying ‘well today we are going to A. Dc1 and dc2 can you get ready for 10.00am? DH are you coming or are you staying at home?’

And she is right.
If something is that important to you, you should do. Regardless of what DH is saying/behaving/grumbling. And ahead of other things such as the HW. (If he doesn’t want to come, he can be the ones responsible to do all the HW as he is at home anyway, right?)

Thank you all for your comments, really helpful and so supportive. I felt so down earlier and questioning of myself!

I went for a walk earlier to clear my head, it’s definitely helped. I don’t think I’m ready to speak to a solicitor just yet, I think I need to look after myself physically and mentally. He would make things very hard as he has already intimated he would not leave the house, I would have to go in previous arguments. Kids already see me as a nag, DD always favours her D, never me and us quite challenging as a teen. When I do take steps I will be portrayed badly.

It felt good walking round in the cold, I came home and was greeted by him tidying and asking if I want anything. I’m going to treat him like a dull colleague. I’m done feeling like no one cares and taken for granted.

I’m just not strong enough for the battle of separating, I have to have everything planned.