How can I combat my sexual/affection anxiety

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H2B and I have hit rock bottom. Baby number 1 is 5 years and baby number 2 is nearly 7 months.

He’s come to the realisation now that our relationship breaking down is all down to that I have always had an anxiety towards initiating sex and showing affection in public, I have a rock bottom sex drive and his doesn’t match mine etc. He says always but there was a time that I felt so much more confident and no anxiety so where’s that gone?

He says that If I was more like him in these ways, he doesn’t think he would have felt the need to be close to friends from work like he now is and that after 8 years of being together and only being under 30, it’s not too late for him to change his future and that he feels the need to explore whether anybody else is better compatible with him that me.

He’s happy to stay trying with me in the hope that things change but basically if they don’t change then that will be the end of us. He made sure he said he doesn’t want me to “change” or feel “uncomfortable” for him because if that’s not me then that’s not me and consequently we just aren’t comparable enough if that’s the case.

I have felt more confident sexually when I felt better in myself. My question is, how do I get back to that? I enjoyed feeling confident but i suddenly have a wall blocking me and making mr anxious in sexual situations. I have been there before, how do i get rid on my anxieties and back there again?

you have a 7 month old
Not many feel particularly sexy with a baby that age

I reckon time Op.

Do what you can to make you feel brighter in the short term - whether that is working out / gym / highlights / healthier eating

But i reckon with time you will feel sexier

Although you do say you have no sex drive. Did you enjoy sex pre children?

I don't think anyone should go to counselling to appease someone else....

But, if anxiety is impacting your life, have you considered therapy? How are your nutrition levels? Sometimes being on the pill can cause anxiety

there's a lot of "he says" in your post, OP. He's telling you that you are the problem because of stuff he feels to be true. Is that the case? Is what he says right? Are you anxious?

Or does it just boil down to the situation that you don't have/want sex as much as he wants so he's told you that unless it increases, he's going to seek it elsewhere?

If it's that, well, I think it's unfair of him to issue that ultimatum, particularly when you've got a 7 month baby.

Sorry I should have added the following to the original post-

I have always been on the shy side but my real awkwardness and anxieties around it has been since about 2019 so about 2-3 years (pre baby number 2 and post baby number 1).

During 2018, I felt amazing, I was well toned, the gym did really help I think so I would agree with gym! I felt sexy and amazing!

Since then, I have put weight on, I don't have as much time to look after myself, I'm tired and stuck in a rut.

I miss being confident, I miss "fun sex", I miss feeling amazing and beautiful. It's as if I saw for that short year, a snip it of a confident happy me and then it disappeared.

I have been to CBT before about an jetties around sex but just felt embarrassed there and in all honesty, worse!

I think it comes down to how confident I feel in myself and with lack of time for myself, and him already admitting to thinking about exploring other women's compatibilities, I feel like I'm in a bad cycle that is very hard to get out of

That should say cbt about anxieties around sex.

These anxieties are something I want rid of, even if me and him don't work out and it's for future relationships, it's pulling me down and I don't know why I have it

I can only explain it by saying it's as if I turn into a child when I'm faced with it and I get very awkward!

I will lie there telling myself "I want to do x (something sexual related)" and I will be even counting in my head almost as a ready steady go but my body will never do what my mind wants because of this anxiety wall and feeling of almost like childish awkwardness that I feel, then the anxiety eats me up and nothing happens

Omg. After him saying all that I would find it very difficult to get into bed with him. Id feel pressured into be putting on a show to prove I was better than other women, and the horrible feelings that comes with that.
I’d also say that 7 months is no time to do all the huge mental and physical adjustments after creating a new human inside you.
How does he initiate sex? Is he affectionate? Caring? Smile at your jokes, hold your hand etc? Or does he want to be serviced and do the bare minimum to achieve that?
I read somewhere that women don’t actually have the perceived lower sex drive than men, it’s just that most men have no freaking brains to work out or bother to learn what a woman needs to feel sexy.

But isn't it completely normal to feel tired and wiped out and feel like you don't want sex right now after just had a baby?

You are taking care of two young kids which must be exhausting and not feeling great about your body after pregnancy.

Maybe you are putting yourself under too much pressure and just need time to go back to your 'normal' self.

Your partner is actually making it much worse by suggesting he will seek sex elsewhere and that is likely to destroy your confidence further and make you feel even less sexy. Really selfish considering you have given him two lovely kids and are trying hard to find ways to make your relationship work.

If it was me I would say the problem is not your sex drive, it is your partner...focus on your needs and take care of yourself. Therapy might help but again you will need to give yourself time and not focus on your partner's lack of patience.

I would start be carving out plenty of gym time for you (or other exercise you like) where he looks after the DC when they are awake so you get a break and start feeling better about yourself from the endorphins etc.

You also need time out and about without the DC meeting up with friends to stop being "just a Mum" again he needs to step up and make this happen.

As for the specific sex anxiety it sounds like seeing a sex therapist would be worth trying?

@Cuddleswithkids he has always initiated sex, it's has always been just him doing things to me (which I do enjoy), I have very rarely "have to him" and he has always been okay with that but I think he's starting to think it will never come (getting anything from me) and he doesn't want the rest of his life like that.

There was a long period when I constantly rejected him because I felt very low and just wanted cuddles, this caused him to stop trying to initiate it and then got into a cycle because the times that I then did want it, my anxiety kicked in and I couldn't initiate it. He had stopped initiating it because of how often I had rejected him as well so where I used to rely on him initiating it and me accepting when I felt okay, he stopped that. Then because of my anxiety, even when I wanted it, my body just wouldn't take that jump to initiate it because of the "childish awkwardness" feeling that I mention above.

He has NEVER been forceful ever, and always listened to when I want to and when I don't, I think it's just now that he's starting to worry it will be like this forever and I don't want it to be like this forever, I just need to get rid of this wall I have that stops me following my instincts and I dont know how to do that because even when my mind says do it, my body just doesn't respond and it ends up not happening. I get through it by making very subtle hints which are barely ever noticed, I struggle to even say the words! It's so strange and makes me feel trapped as if my own instincts are just trapped inside me.

This all probably sounds so weird! I've always wondered how other women do it and why I just can't for some reason! X