Should he have just come home?

[Elbows89]

Recently a dear friend of mine killed herself. She was in her thirties. I know she was struggling but we had only been chatting last week and she seemed better. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. We are v close. I feel in total shock

I called my DH while he was at work. It was his last day at the particular job. He doesn't like his colleagues particularly. I was crying my eyes out. Rather than come home he went to the pub, not for too long but he came home 4 or 5 hours later than he needed to. I was at home with our 2dc (both under 4). He did make some dinner and give me a drunken cuddle. He keeps saying he will look after me but so far I've done early mornings with kids and he's napped on the sofa

AIBU to have expected him to come home straight away? I know if I bring it up we will have a fight and I'm barely keeping it together with the loss of my friend, my kid is sick, and I am completely unprepared for Xmas, and I work FT. I just feel like running away

I was slightly short with DH yesterday and he said I was "taking it out on him"

He’s a selfish dick. Has he got form for behaving like this?

What an unsympathetic prick.

That was incredibly selfish. He’s saying all the right things but failing to actually step up. He’s not supporting you at all OP.

Why isn't he looking after the kids
He is selfish

I'm so sorry you lost your friend x

I'm not sure how healthy it is that you can't tell your husband he has upset you without it turning into a big fight if I'm completely honest. It's perfectly reasonable to explain to someone that they have hurt your feelings and ask for more support or some downtime.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's an incredibly difficult thing to go through

Of course he should have come home. In my experience, it doesn’t get better. My dad died suddenly and my ex just went off to work each day leaving me to deal with everything (I was executor) and 2 small children. It felt surreal at the time.

Sorry for your loss xxx

Sorry for your loss.
DH sounds very selfish indeed. Would he normally behave like this? In any event it's unacceptable.

I’m so sorry for your loss how utterly tragic and devastating.

I agree he is being totally selfish. Yes he should have come home straightaway to support you. And saying you were taking it out of him is outrageous. im sure you would have been far more supportive if it was one of his friends.

So sorry for your loss OP.

He doesn't see you as a team, does he?

I am so sorry. My dp isn't perfect, nit when I got a call recently to say mum collapsed he picked up my son from school so i could go to her.

She, unfortunately died and dp has taken over the vast majority of the house stuff so I can organise the funeral, spend time with dad, finish her Christmas shopping etc.

I had a friend who died in similar circumstances a few years ago and ita very painful. I think your dh has been a shit, tbh.

Terrible sorry for your loss
No support for you at all
Should have got home as soon as possible, it at all possible left work early etc
A massive thing for you and he goes to the pub - he is a wanker
How does he usually treat / support you ? Guessing not great
Does he do his bit with the kids and round the house ?

Thanks all. I think because it was his last day he felt that he "didn't have an option" but to go to the pub. But it really hurt me.

Last night after the kids went to bed he made dinner and listened to me talk about my friend for 15 mins or so. And I felt so grateful to him it is pathetic. He did a night wake too this weekend which again I felt v grateful for. I mean...I feel like I've finally seen clearly how low my standards are but also think perhaps I shouldn't be making decisions 3 days after hearing such horrific news. The awful irony being I would love to talk to her about it as she would have had amazing advice

I’m very sorry for your loss.
Really I think he should have come home but I think for now I’d focus on yourself and each day; if he isn’t offering to do things then ask him and tell him what you need from him

Sorry for your loss. And i think youre right bit to make big decisions at the moment.

I know if I bring it up we will have a fight and I'm barely keeping it together with the loss of my friend, my kid is sick, and I am completely unprepared for Xmas, and I work FT

Youve a lot going on. Is there often fights when you question his behaviour? Why are you unprepared for christmas and not both of you? Is he not sharing the load at home?

I just feel alone in managing it all. Occasionally he will "take something off my list" but only to make a point about what a fuss I'm making.

He can be warm and funny. He often cooks dinner. He is happy do bedtimes. But I feel alone. But if I left I would be even more alone with it all. I can't ever imagine meeting anyone new. My DH is on my team some of the time, if I left him he would do nothing but cause me pain and hassle. It would be all the worst parts of him...lazy, playing the victim, petty and none of the good elements

I'm trying to be pragmatic. I want to leave but I think life might be even worse for me and DC

You’re having a rough time. There’s no need to make a decision right away.

Take some time to really think. Maybe look at what benefits you would be entitled to if you were a single parent. It sounds like you are really unhappy. Don’t underestimate how much harder it is to keep things going when you are unhappy and mentally drowning. Ending your relationship would mean you don’t waste mental energy on trying to sustain it

if I left him he would do nothing but cause me pain and hassle. It would be all the worst parts of him...lazy, playing the victim, petty and none of the good elements

"because he'd be a twat if I left" is really not a great reason to stay in a relationship that's making you unhappy.