Husband Support

[Eslteacher06]

Been with DH for 9 years and married for 6. Had two children in that time. He's a great guy in a lot of respects and a good dad. We have a similar background and very alike in a lot of ways.

However, he always feels the need to keep the peace to the detriment of everything else. I'm more of the type that, if there is an issue, it needs to be addressed. But he thinks that's me causing drama. This just makes me feel like I can't rely on him for support.

Since I had DD1, my alcoholic MIL has been increasingly unbearable. Because I don't accept bad behaviour, I would have a number of situations with her, with her changing the script and playing the victim, and DH in the middle. Her refusal to adhere to lockdown rules and my wishes in my home were the final nail in the coffin, and I've gone NC. DH can visit her with the kids, but I'm not interested. When she is upsetting him, he sees my point of view, but then calms down and they act like nothing has happened.

My MIL has recently told both him and my own mother that I am welcome at her house. But in my mind, there will be an atmosphere. I can't forget everything without resolution and I am happy with the current arrangement. My husband says he's again in the middle and I just need to stop NC as it causes drama, but I feel it is her putting him in that situation.

Other situations have been, not wanting to come with me to speak to the headteacher at my DD1 school because of the issues I've had with them (he was at the school anyway). Another one is when his friend (1) has been a complete dick to another friend (2) in our friendship circle, but they are demonising F2 and they are not there to defend themselves. I tried to offer devils advocate, but I overheard F1 saying I was causing drama, and DH agreeing with him.

I'm sure you'll say "LTB", but that is not happening. I know if I bring it up, he will instantly go on the defensive. I have tried so many times. So how do I try to make my husband understand that I do not feel supported by him?

I really wouldn’t leave any one over this.
Why can’t your DH keep visiting MIL?
On the friend thing- best to stay out of other people’s drama. If DH thought you were being dramatic he’s allowed to say that, yes?
He’s a people pleaser. I wouldn’t leave someone over this unless it was impacting my life enormously. We all have our own threshold.

I have no problem with my husband visiting my MIL. She's asking me to go too and I don't want to?

He's allowed an opinion of course, but a friend brought up the issue and I didn't want to sit there listening to one sided stuff. It was a discussion between me and her anyway and it didn't get heated. It's like any discussion other than the superficial stuff is classed as drama.

Even if he doesn't agree with me, at least say "please don't involve me" or something? Is that unreasonable? I dunno.

If you don’t want to go to the MIL, don’t. I went NC with mine too.
And regarding the other thing, I’ve learned to stay out of other people’s business. It really makes for a more relaxed life.
You need to accept the differences between you both and live with it, or you’ll just live a life of confrontation.

Many of us accept certain behaviour from our parents because they're our parents. I went NC with my ex MIL because she is a full blown narcissist but with other MILs I've put up with their quirks and some things that have bugged me because they're my OH's parents. Maybe just the odd visit to keep the peace?

He prefers to keep the peace.
You prefer to tackle issues.

You are both grown adults with many personality traits that are just who you are now.

You say you don't feel supported, but DH could say the same especially with MIL.

Perhaps it is the alcoholic part of the MIL you are not keen on.

So going forward, my suggestions, if you are going to stay together, you stop saying DH doesn't support you and accept he will only address issues once they become unignorable, and he lets you confront issues as you need to even if he is cringing in the background.

Just because you are married that doesn't mean utter devoted support.

The school stuff, you take up with teachers and heads if you feel the need, the friend stuff they are also grown adults only get involved if opinions are asked and the MIL stuff, bit more complicated, a lot of people will get their heckles up when you judge negatively their parents, but if you don't want to see MIL beyond a polite obligation you shouldn't have to. So how to move forward? Can you say, DH I know you want me to go to. MIL's house but from past experience it will end up in a situation where you will be stuck in the middle because it usually does. So how about for the time being you take the kids to your mum I will take them to my mum and that way both of us get a bit of time in the house alone without the kids to have a bath/watch and 18 film etc. And that way there is a readymade excuse, to keep the peace, ESL needed some time to clean the windows which is impossible to do with the kids there etc.

Marriage is about compromise, you sound a little like your DH sound be more "my way or the highway" but I think this is just who he is. Accept this as part of the package, just as he will have to accept your way of dealing with things.

When it comes down to it he thinks you're a bit of a drama llama, you think he's a bit of a wet sock. You are both right.

@frozendaisy perfectly put