Emotional Affair

[Loopylou91]

So I have just found out my husband has been having an emotional affair with An ex from more than 13 years ago. He has been texting her (really lovely and complimentary things, some sexual things and saying he wished he could be with her etc) and they’ve met up once, he says it was ‘just’ texts and one meet to chat and that nothing physical has ever happened. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and the only person in my life I trusted has let me down. Has anyone been through this and have any advice?

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you know how the EA began, did he contact her, she contact him? I'm not beginning to try to make excuses but there's a different dynamic depending on how it started possibly? Please don't for a moment start to think that you are to blame in any way, shape or form. He's ultimately responsible for his own actions. Do you have any children? If you do, (and they are young) no matter how hard it is, please try to get through the Christmas period for them, to give them good memories going forward each year.

It's a horrible situation for you to try to deal with, do you have friends or family who you could talk to? There are plenty of us here to listen, to hold your hand, to offer advice if you need our support.

You can get through this, maybe together, maybe separately but you will get through 💐

Yes. I told my DH he was free to go. That was 18mnths ago. He’s still here and although it’s been difficult at times we are good again.
DH’s excuse was lockdown boredom and curiosity. And to be fair he did ask if I minded if he contacted her via Facebook. I spotted the change immediately and did a bit of snooping. Like you all hearts and flowers, very unlike him in real life. The difference is he hadn’t seen her for 35 years and lockdown meant there was no chance of meeting up.
We have talked a lot and I mean a lot but it has brought us much closer and I do understand the draw of seeing how life panned out for someone you once loved.
Unfortunately she has been stalking him for the last 12 mnths which is starting to freak him out. It also appears that her 35 yr relationship hasn’t survived.
I so wanted to play the pick me dance and it took a lot of control not to but it has been so much more entertaining watching her doing it. I think she’s realised that it’s all in vain.
I was devastated but now realise that if they want to leave you can’t stop them, there have been times though where I wish he had.
The problem with ex’s is that they will always hold a place in your heart so it takes very little to stir up feelings. I’ll probably be battered for that last comment.

Is she married?

Thank you for your lovely reply, it means a lot! So as far as I know she contacted him first. I feel all of those things and I know I shouldn’t but that is my natural default, to blame myself. We have two children (4&7) and I am pretending everything is fine for them but it’s so hard to bottle up how I feel all day until they are in bed. He seems absolutely gutted for hurting me and wants to make things work etc but he’s not very good at talking! I just don’t know how to ever trust him again. He has come off of social media and blocked her from every aspect but I just don’t know how to move forward.

She as married by the way, she’s in the process of leaving her husband…my husband is adamant she was leaving him before they were texting and she wasn’t leaving her husband for mine!

I would agree re who contacted who. Dh would probably not have contacted OW if she hadn’t popped up on fb “people you may know”. The only possible reason for this would be if she had been looking at his fb page. They have no friends in common or anything else and she doesn’t live locally. Up until last year DH wasn’t active on fb and is not a fan of social media. He doesn’t really do gadgets. He didn’t even know her married name so I am fairly certain that she initiated contact. He didn’t talk about me or our relationship, it was all about the past.
We all have a past and it usually stays there but it’s been such an extraordinary 2 years I think we have all reflected and it’s not always been a good thing.
First thing to do is to breathe. Ask him to give you space then you need to talk. It’s not the best of times for all this to come out. If you have children try and organise for someone to have them while you talk. He owes you a conversation. You don’t have to make any decisions yet but if you are planning a big family Christmas maybe a dose of “Covid” will get you out of the stress of having to put up a big front.
Put the ball firmly in his court and don’t let him force you into making “the” decision. If he wants out that’s his decision to make. If he just got carried away with “lovely feelings” then it will take a while for him to see what is really at stake. Remember she is an ex for a reason.
Trust, life teaches us that trust is built over years and is something that is easily broken and takes a long time to fix. But we did it once with our partner so it isn’t impossible.

@Angrymum22

Yes. I told my DH he was free to go. That was 18mnths ago. He’s still here and although it’s been difficult at times we are good again. DH’s excuse was lockdown boredom and curiosity. And to be fair he did ask if I minded if he contacted her via Facebook. I spotted the change immediately and did a bit of snooping. Like you all hearts and flowers, very unlike him in real life. The difference is he hadn’t seen her for 35 years and lockdown meant there was no chance of meeting up. We have talked a lot and I mean a lot but it has brought us much closer and I do understand the draw of seeing how life panned out for someone you once loved. Unfortunately she has been stalking him for the last 12 mnths which is starting to freak him out. It also appears that her 35 yr relationship hasn’t survived. I so wanted to play the pick me dance and it took a lot of control not to but it has been so much more entertaining watching her doing it. I think she’s realised that it’s all in vain. I was devastated but now realise that if they want to leave you can’t stop them, there have been times though where I wish he had. The problem with ex’s is that they will always hold a place in your heart so it takes very little to stir up feelings. I’ll probably be battered for that last comment.

I am sorry you have been through this too. I am pleased you are working through things. I know it’s very raw for me right now having just found out and I hope to be as strong as you sound! This woman sounds awful! I understand what you mean about ex’s holding a place in your heart, you loved them at one point and you had memories etc but it’s fantasy isn’t it and I can’t understand how a fantasy can take over and ruin what you have right now.

Hi, it's probably alarmingly common if it makes you feel any better.
Well in practical terms putting the hurt to one side it's happened hon so what's the next step?
As others have said perhaps get through Christmas then decide after that.
Only a week or so now
Do you want to forgive him? Do you (both) still see s future? Anything can be gotten over if you both want to but it's your choice. The worst has happened now in that you found out , so now it's about moving forward.
If you can look at it as just so etching that happened and not personal that would help I think. There are professional organisations you might get help from. Even your gp if you're feeling down about it.

Life is hard mate and this pandemic has turned things on its head.

Me personally, I divorced my husband after I had a sort of emotional affair nutbit was a bit different cos the man was known to me in a professional.capavoty and he was unprofessional and arguably abused his position of powe. I had something of a breakdown after that.

Anyway, whatever you do, I wish you all the best. Xx

Angrymum22 you speak so much sense. Thank you. I can’t speak to friends and family about this as I am just too embarrassed and I am really grateful for you and others taking the time to reply. He has cried and begged me to forgive him, he has given me space, he has said he will leave if I want him to and said this has made him realise he wants to be with me and no one else. I want to believe it but I just don’t know how I feel and need to take the time as you say. Christmas was fairly small anyway this year so I think I will manage it, I will for the sake of the children.

How come he said he wished to be with her? Did he explain that to you?

Loupylou, I know you are gutted by his betrayal of you and the children.

He has emotionally and sexually cheated on you, and told the OW that he wanted to be with her. He escalated his infidelity by actually meeting up with her. As they had already been sexual in their messaging, I would assume that something physical went on when they met up alone.

How did you find out about this? Did he come clean on his own accord or did you discover the messages? If the latter, he would still be sneakily lying and having online and actual dates.

Give him a sharp shock, Loupy. He needs to feel the loss of you, so send him away for a while so you can process this.

Remember that this is all on him. He made the unethical decision to lie and cheat, and this is not a reflection on you. If you decide to stay, he needs to show true remorse by providing the whole story, full transparency with devices and records, and a willingness to accept your questions, tears and anger. He must continue complete NC with OW. And last but certainly not least, he needs to access individual counseling to examine his character flaws that enabled him to choose infidelity and disloyalty.

Good luck, Loupylou.

This has made him realise that he wants to be with me and no one else.

You’ve ‘been there’ for him and your 2 precious children for years, yet it took being caught cheating to make him truly value you?? This shows that his boundaries are very weak and he is vulnerable to illicit validation.

Tread very carefully and don’t be swayed by the big crocodile tears. He wasn’t valuing you or the children when pursuing and meeting up with his Affair Partner.

@Loopylou91

Take your time, breathe, be angry inside but try to get through Christmas. Your children are young, they need to remember the magic...

My (now adult) children saw my marriage to their father break down over the Christmas period (DA, in front of them) and I wish I could have hidden that from them if only to save them connecting Christmas with bad things. Having said that you need to do whatever it takes to get yourself through the devastation that you're feeling. Could you "need" to go and look after a parent (obviously being Christmas the children would need to go with you and dearest daddy can have a rest)? Better yet could "D"H suddenly need to assist someone in his family necessitating him relocating temporarily?

There is no easy answer, no immediate decision, an EA is somehow often seen as "lesser" than a physical affair, but the repercussions are still there...the ripples reaching out and touching parts of your life that nobody realises apart from you.

Take your time, gather your thoughts, reach out for support - here and with people you trust. Your immediate reaction may well be right in the long term for you but don't rush yourself into making any decisions immediately. Take time (however hard) to regroup, get your thoughts together and consider your options.

You will get through this I promise you. Your future may be different to the future that you thought you would have but you will get through 💐

How did you find out and how do you know nothing physical happened?

We escape in fantasy. We can see a perfect situation and the person we fantasise about is often offering that perfect solution. But we all know that fairytales always end at the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Yes, your husband has to take the blame but at the same time you cannot keep blaming him for everything going forward.
My DH accepts that he stepped over the line and initially was very protective of the OW, but he now realises that she had an agenda. She was looking for another relationship to slot into as her own marriage was imploding. Who better than her first love who at one time had worshiped her.
We have moved on, we still return to the subject occasionally, DH has always been able to pick up on my moods and has realised that avoiding the issue is not good.
We had been through a very stressful year before Covid hit, and it had impacted on our relationship but we have worked through it. I don’t think it was the cause but it probably didn’t help. I suppose this is where the fantasy world becomes a problem, when things are tough it’s easy to imagine being in a different “perfect” life.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer during the summer this year and DH has been fantastic, both physically and emotionally he has supported me throughout the treatment process.
I don’t expect him to become the perfect husband to atone for what he put me through, I just want to go back to the way we were, best friends and lovers. Maybe the pandemic has worked in our favour since we weren’t able to separate, we had to stay and work through it.

Emotional affairs often rip open your heart more than "it was just sex". He was texting her that he wanted to be with her and also was seeing her as someone he wanted to have sex with. Of course he is remorseful as he has been caught out. Your relationship has now changed for ever. You will now see him as someone that wanted another woman emotionally and sexually and possibly has met up with her more than once. Sorry OP, once you can get all the above in your head and processed then you cant move forward. Yes, he has said he will move out to give you space....I would take that up and ask him to give you the space. A bomb has dropped in your marriage and he released it. It is now up to him to do all the running and you to have time to process. I am sorry OP this is going to be a long and painful process either if you choose to stay or move on without him. I get so angry with these posts that loving wives and partners are rocked to the core with their other halves egos being stroked and ruining good marriages and relationships then crying and sobbing when they get caught. All the best with whatever decision you make.

@Loopylou91 I’m so sorry this is happening to you and so near Christmas. My heart breaks for you.

Firstly, self care, you’ll be in shock please eat, hydrate and look after you do you can deal with this emotionally.

Then get yourself a copy of my bible in the first few weeks. Leave a cheater gain a life, it really helped me understand the psychology behind what was happening. Now I’m not saying leave, I didn’t but it does help you stop blaming yourself or listening to some of their minimising, blame shifting bs.

I hate to tell you this but what you’ve found out is probably only the start of it. It is most likely he will be minimising. Cheats lie and lie some more on discovery day. Do not trust a word that comes out if his mouth. There is most likely more to the one meet up than he’s letting in.

The tears and sorry’s are typical, but often they’re still in contact while they’re professing love etc be on your guard. Please understand I’m not being a pessimist I have just seen this way too many times.

Get him to read two books if he does look like he wants to repair ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ and ‘just good friends’. Read them yourself to understand what remorse looks like.

Then make no decisions (you don’t need to right now) just watch his actions. Words are meaningless, it’s all about his actions. Is he fighting to be a safer partner?

Know your worth, know how brilliant you are!! He doesn’t get to treat you and your family like this.