God I'm in such a mess

[Disneyblueeyes]

I've been married for 6 years, together 13 years.
I have incredibly low self esteem and always have to be honest. When I first met OH I'd never had decent sex and never had an orgasm. I didn't have a huge amount of sexual chemistry with him, but I'd never really had that with anyone so at the time didn't think much of it. He was a great guy, made me laugh, we had heaps in common and loved spending time together. We kissed, had sex but I never achieved orgasm. Long story short I can only seem to achieve orgasm if I watch other people have sex ( so porn, basically). I try to pleasure myself without but I just end up getting frustrated and it doesn't happen. Same when intimate with him.

Now, 13 years on and having a 2 year old together, I've started to realise how stupid I've been. I think about how he looks too much. He's not the best looking man around and I keep comparing him to other people's boyfriends/husbands and I feel awful and shallow for it. I read a lot of threads on here about how important sex is and being compatible, and we're not really.
That said I don't even know how to pleasure myself, never mind him. Am I supposed to just look at a man and feel horny? Is that how it's supposed to work? Or am I being unrealistic?
If I've had a drink or two and he's wearing a shirt and nice aftershave I'll happily rip his clothes off, but other than that I can take it or leave it.

We have the most beautiful little girl together. Our little family is perfect. We have a lovely house, about to get a 30 grand kitchen put in, we have plenty of money. I get on great with his family and friends, and him mine.

Yet it still gnaws away at me that our sex life sucks, and I wish for a more handsome husband.

I feel like a terrible, terrible person.
I suffer terrible from low self esteem and anxiety and had horrible problems with it the last few years.

I can hear you all screaming 'leave' but I would worry about being sad and alone, with my poor little girl going between us two, losing everything we've built and worked for together.
We are a unit. I still deeply love him and he still makes me laugh. He's a very hands on dad and does alot with our daughter.
I honestly think I'd end up massively regretting it. My life would just become a huge mess and for what, for want of a nicer looking husband?

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but I feel like my DH deserves so much better than me, even though he adores the ground I walk on. Is there a way to move on from this or do I simply have to walk away from everything because of a stupid niggling feeling? Or is it normal?
Also feel free to call me all the names under the sun, I deserve all of it.

I'm not screaming leave. You seem to have a lot going for your family and if you are actually having sex and at least sometimes fancying him, you are doing better than many. I think it may have a distorted view of sexual chemistry but maybe also could benefit from therapy in general. You come over rather unsure about yourself?

No one should call you names.

You made a mistake settling for someone you didn’t really want. It was very unfair on him. But it’s done now so if you think what you have it worth staying for then focus on the positives.

What part does your low self esteem play? You mentioned it several times but then say you feel you deserve a more attractive husband. I don’t understand?

Stop comparing him to other men, that’s awful. If you love him and want a future with him then knock it on the head and remember what he gives you that other people may not have, even with a more handsome man.

@pog100

I'm not screaming leave. You seem to have a lot going for your family and if you are actually having sex and at least sometimes fancying him, you are doing better than many. I think it may have a distorted view of sexual chemistry but maybe also could benefit from therapy in general. You come over rather unsure about yourself?

We're certainly not in a 'sexless' marriage like many are. He's a genuinely good person. Yes he can be irritable and gets annoyed with my negativity at times, but I'm extremely lucky to have him in a lot of ways. I don't know about therapy. I feel so embarrassed for a start.

I'm very unsure of myself. My mental health is at best, fragile, at worst, fucking terrible. Probably doesn't help.

AnneLovesGilbert

Thank you for your reply.
I was young and naive, I know.
You're so right regarding the comparing to other men. I hate it myself. The self esteem thing I don't know. I don't think it's a deserving thing as I don't see myself as being massively attractive.

If you ‘deeply love him’ I think that’s amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever had that with any partner. I wouldn’t give up on your relationship based on what you say.

@Icecreaminwinter

If you ‘deeply love him’ I think that’s amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever had that with any partner. I wouldn’t give up on your relationship based on what you say.

I mean I think I do. We do everything together, same interests, same friends, everything. We have so many memories, done so many things. I'm not saying that's what I think true love is but we are joined at the hip and life would be very strange without him.

Am I supposed to just look at a man and feel horny? Is that how it's supposed to work? Or am I being unrealistic?

You're being unrealistic. Porn is not reality and it's not meant to be reality. That's like watching crime dramas and saying "are the police just meant to stroke their chins, stride around a bit and then immediately find the baddie who confesses the moment they step into a court room." It's fiction. Holding your husband's looks and your sex life to a porn standard is going to make you miserable, as it sounds like it is.

The reality is there are 7.7 billion people in the world and maybe 20 of them are supermodels. Virtually nobody has porn-style sex. If you are in a relationship with someone you love, who makes you laugh, who shoulders half the load and you're still intimate, you're doing pretty well.

I’m going to echo @pog100 here - I mean, no-one should force themselves to feel chemistry with someone, however the idea that handsome=sexy just isn’t my experience at all (and I’m a bloke and we’re supposed to be more visual about these things!)

Of course, anyone who really neglects themselves is going to be unappealing, however sexual chemistry comes as much from how someone behaves, their mannerisms and personality as their looks. I’ve always been a sucker for the whole “librarian type who gives you a coy look” thing, for example and that has nothing to do with how handsome they are. Are independent woman who pursue something with a passion. Or someone with a dry or goofy sense of humour.

And even then, according to science, chemistry can as much be influenced by what you (naturally) smell like!

So the idea that being handsome would somehow be a magic wand to make anyone sexy seems a little off… I wonder if it’s something that’s been instilled in you growing up?

I'm sorry, but I think you are the one with the problem, and it's not one to be solved by leaving your husband and thinking a handsome man equals good sex. The fact you have this weird idea shows a level of immaturity that isn't explained by anxiety. You need to get some counselling and find out what your real problem is. Thinking some knight in shining armour is going to solve all your sexual problems is just ridiculous.

Do you really love your husband? Is there a reason you can't climax with him? You need to get to the bottom of your issues and then look at whether the marriage can continue

*or independent women

Maybe you've lost yourself a bit? Do you have separate friends and interests?

A marriage isn't just about sex and good looks. There's lots more to it and it seems like yours ticks many boxes. The grass is definitely not greener on the other side. Why would you risk your lovely family life to attempt finding a better looking husband ? Careful what you wish for. You might be trading more than just average looks... I wouldn't leave if this was me. So the sex isn't great - have you spoken to him about it ? Does he know you can't reach an organism easily ? Do you think watching porn together could work ? Porn can be incorporated healthily into a sexual relationship. Discover more together what you like and what works. Nowadays we are quick to throw away the marriage if an important element of it (in this case sex) isn't perfect, well no relationship is perfect. Improving your sex life CAN be improved. Why think of leaving ? Another man would just come with a different problem so to speak. And it could be worse.

Did you discover orgasming watching porn before you had a sexual relationship. You might have the female equivalent of death grip aka death fanny. Lay off the porn and maybe the other stuff will fall into place.

You have a case of the grass is greener syndrome I think, most people find out it really isn't.

I think sex is over rated to be honest, the men that I've had amazing sex and chemistry with are the ones who treated me the worst. I'm not saying you can't have good sex with someone you love but it's really not the be all and end all. And a handsome husband? Meh, they all end up annoying you in the end!

Hmm I'll not sure what to say. For me personally, looks isn't the most important thing. I care more about how they smell, how they touch me, how they respond to me, whether we enjoy sharing fantasies together. But if you are a very visual person, it may be more of a problem?

Are you able to discuss sex openly with him? Maybe it would help for the two of you to get gently start experimenting a bit. For example, have you ever watched porn together (not one for me but it sounds like that might be fun for you)? Maybe experiment with things on your own first, then with him?

It honestly sounds like you have not explored your own sexuality much until now. It's hard to have a great sexual relationship with anyone under those circumstances. So I would not write off your husband, who sounds lovely, just yet. You definitely deserve great sex, but it would be worth trying to build that with him first.

I think part of your problem is that you haven’t learned the art of masturbation and passed on your knowledge to your husband! It’s never too late to go back to basics. Also, I’ve had handsome boyfriends and you know what? Their personality sucked and they were shallow. I’m married to an average looking bloke (his words) and we have a wonderful marriage. Your marriage sounds wonderful too apart from the sex. Work on it - dont throw it away Treasure it - talk to him

I think your low self esteem means you need the validation of a handsome man (being interested in you) to feel good about yourself. Finding a way to feel attractive in yourself and have better mental health should be your focus - as without it, you'll never be happy. You're looking to someone else to validate you, and that never works. It's why a lot of women go after men who treat them like shit, just because they feel 'seen' and special that such a man would have any interest in them.

Do you have hobbies, interests? Have you had any achievements you feel proud of (that are only because of you)? These are things that help with self esteem - being good at something, feeling like you have a purpose outside of your relationship. Without it, you're entirely dependent on a marriage/another person to trigger contentment with yourself.

It sounds like a great relationship. I don't think sex is about how a man looks. He can be really good looking and shit in bed.

I think it would be worth exploring sex together. Talking about it, learning about it and applying techniques you learn.