Dissociation after a difficult childhood

[justbreathejust]

I often feel foggy and dissociated, like I'm not really present. I feel really anxious in the lead-up to things I have been looking forward to (e.g. Christmas Day) because I don't feel present enough for them yet, and that I'm not really there, enjoying them. I take lots of photographs, even the most mundane things and I journal extensively. Yet there are still huge gaps in my memory, because I feel so untethered to the present moment. My phone broke and I lost 3 years of photographs and I feel like I've lost 3 years of my life because I am so heavily reliant on those photographs.

Sometimes in a stressful situation I can feel the fog come over me, and I try and grasp onto the present moment and stay present but the fog is so much more comfortable, it just takes the edge off of the present moment.

The only time I feel present is when I'm distracting myself in some other way. For example, with scrolling through social media or comfort eating or watching TV. Something that numbs and distracts me.

Does anyone experience this and have any suggestions on how to improve or where to even start with this?

I completely identify, I’ve struggled with this my whole life. I find at times of particular stress or worry it’s ten times worse. I’ve had a bad few weeks and I’ve realised it’s because of some news about a relation who is gravely Ill and is probably going to die, very young. I kept asking myself why am I so bad recently I knew something was triggering me. I had been doing so well the past year and that news really sent me on a downward spiral.
To come back to the present I will stop myself and try to notice 3 things in the room, or 3 things I can hear and just focus on those sounds to try and bring me back to the present. Or I think about my feet, sounds bananas I know but energy goes where the focus is so it helps to ground me doing that. Im not overly religious but I do find a prayer does help me too

Dd has this as part of ptsd and CBT has helped including learning techniques such as tapping. She’s also had eye movement therapy.

I've wondered if I have something similar myself. Do you feel like you lack ambition and live day to day very much in the here and now?

Tbf there are things I want to do and achieve...but then I just, don't. As if I'm caught in a fog. I come out of it briefly with some extreme idea to go and do something huge like travel ect...but then quickly lose momentum and fall back into the fog.

I don't know that tv 'numbs' me persay, but it definately keeps me in the present. Otherwise my mind just sort of...wanders off. Even in my uni days I had to draw whilst listening to a lecture to keep myself from drifting away.

I'm not depressed or overly anxious as a person but..I often just don't feel like I'm...present. It feels like a wrench to have to try to be.

I've been wondering lately if it was due to my childhood and is a defense mechanism.

If I can't deal with a stressor straight on and it threatens to be prolonged, I definately retreat. I don't understand why anyone tolerates stress. I'll literally just cut the stressor out no matter what it takes.

I dunno if any of that sounds familiar?

I'm planning to make one of those big moves...in the hope it'll shake me awake. Hopefully I can maintain momentum.

Huge virtual hug for you OP. I'm
Very similar. @theholisticpsychologist talks about this a lot on Instagram and ways to help.