uneasy about flashy gift

[oblonglady]

So, things have been absolutely at rock bottom with my husband for at least since the start of the pandemic, but near rock bottom before that. He's been awful these past years, really (emotionally) abusive, and we've talked about breaking up. I have at the moment given him another chance but have been clear it needs to be about honesty and working through real issues, and communication.

Now it's a big birthday of mine and I noticed a delivery box arriving from a very posh jewellery shop. I have worked out that he plans to give me a mega flash gift (I asked him and he confirmed).

I feel really upset by this, as it should be a nice thing but I feel it is needlessly showy given the circumstances, and also disregards the fact that I've said on each occasion ever that I don't like to be surprised with big gestures, I'd like to sort of agree to do something together. I am actually the kind of person who likes smaller, well-chosen gifts. Gifts that show someone knows me.

I also feel it necessarily binds me back in. How can you not say thanks for a flash gift? It's what he'll want me to tell family and friends about, rather than the fact I am very unhappy and, as a person, he's been rotten to me.

What would you do? Don't say leave, as I'm not doing that right now. Just how would you handle the situation? Would you say no to the big gift, or what? Help.

Honestly, I'd give up trying to control things and see what happens. He might present you with the gift and have a thoughtful reason for choosing it, that shows he loves you, knows you and cares for you.

Or he might just shove the bag at you and expect you to be ecstatic.

Wait and see. But also, why is leaving not an option? If you've been at tick bottom, or near to it, for so long then I can't understand why you'd rule out leaving.

I'm not trying to control things, just it made my heart sink, and I felt so unhappy to think that I'd feel like that at the prospect of a generous-seeming gesture. It makes me feel bad just anticipating it.

I was wondering why you have given this man another chance at all given his abusive behaviour towards you.

He’s just trying to buy you with flash jewellery. Abuse is also not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. His jewellery purchase is yet another way of attempting to control you and keep you in line.

He won’t let go of you that easily because he likes having you around to cook and clean for him and otherwise abuse so you talking to him about breaking up is grist to the mill to him. He’s heard it before and besides which you’re still there.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

I can't explain right here why I have given him another chance, but I did and I suppose my posting about this was part of the process of evaluating that.

I have spoken extensively about how I don't like flash gifts and also how I need him to think about me - the real me. I am not a fan of fancy things and have lots of funny, simple things I want instead. A huge piece of cheese, for example. That would have made me happy, and laugh!

So why has he done it? He knows I cannot be 'bought' with this as easily as something much cheaper but more fun. So why do it?

I think this is a case of, even if he does a complete change of behaviour, its to late to fix.

You say you are giving him another chance. I wouldn't, so don't think I am judging here. But you have preempted alot of negative motivations and actions on his part, before it's even happened. Probably, because of his past behaviour. So I get why you would.

But that's not giving another chance for behaviour to change. It's OK for it to be too late for him to change and for you to split anyway. Regardless of what he has bought.

The situation where no-one can get you something without your input, is about control. I know because I do it too. After years of awful gifts from exh, that I was expected to be grateful for. Even if they showed no care or thought.

As I said, I wouldn't (now) give him another chance as he has been abusive. I did give exh chances and he was emotionally abusive too. But like you, it got to the point where I would be anxious about acts of 'kindness' from him. Because of past behaviour.

I genuinely think yiu need to prepare to split

@Darkpheonix sorry you went through a bad situation.

It might be about control but only in this situation. I have a wide circle of family and friends and am very happy to accept all their haphazard too flash or completely bonkers gifts and gestures. Likewise with ex partners. So if I am trying to control it, it's only with him. Likely because I doubt his motives. But in reality I've given him no greater steer than saying I don't like flashy jewellery/things from flashy, obvious brands after he once bought me one. I think it makes me feel like a funny power imbalance is being set to work, one where it seems like I ought to feel grateful/loving so I should.

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

I’ve told mine I’ve got bits in the cupboard and I want books on kindle, he wanted to go shopping I decided not on your life I want no crap this year. Thank you.

Oh yes, I want suggesting you are controlling. Just saying this situation is and I understand it. Completely. I also get the anxiety

The last year we were together I refused ro acknowledge my birthday or mother's day, because of the anxiety leading it up to it. I totally get it.

You sound so like me. When I had given that last chance, buy it was really, already too late.

Exh used to buy me flowers. I told him I don't like them. He still did it. Dp, never bought me them because I mentioned it once.

Life is so different now exh is long gone.

If this gift us giving you anxiety and you know there are shit intentions behind it and you can't even hope there's good intentions, then I think its too late.

Oh I see! Sorry. I've re-read your first post again more closely. Yes, anxious about acts of kindness is exactly it. I suppose I don't trust him.

Did you leave, in the end? It sounds like you have a lovely DP now, well done.

Could he be buying the gift in order to appear better in other peoples eyes? If he thinks you might consider leaving he is laying the groundwork for playing the victim with other people?

Yes, @Coldiron, quite possibly

@oblonglady

Oh I see! Sorry. I've re-read your first post again more closely. Yes, anxious about acts of kindness is exactly it. I suppose I don't trust him.

Did you leave, in the end? It sounds like you have a lovely DP now, well done.

Yes I left, almost 5 years ago now.

I am not going to lie. Its not easy to leave. The first year was difficult. But it's easier than staying.

He used the 'but I am trying to change' or guilt when I had finally decides it was done.

Its got more complicated. He told everyone I had an affair (I didnt) he then went on go from woman to woman, who all seem to have the impression that I am desperate for him back and always contacting him and wanting him to come round. I don't, I haven't even told him my address. He gets contacted about the kids that's it. He is engaged for the 3rd time. Though he has been engaged to the 2nd one twice.

My mum passed away 2 weeks ago and he hasn't offered the kids any support, then told people mum died due to the covid vaccine (she didnt). So dd (18) and ds (10) refuse to see him. So it's very complicated.

But still so much easier. Even with the fallout of everything going on, it's easier. I wouldn't have been able to grieve my mum without feeling guilty.

And dp is lovely. It took a bit to trust him. But he was happy to wait. He has been incredible support to me and the kids, with my mum passing away.

My 18 year old would rather speak to me or dp about applying for uni, my mum, boyfriend troubles etc.

Its not the outcome I wanted. I wanted them to have a good relationship with their dad. But I realised he put effort in with them, to maintain a relationship with me. Despite him being the one that wanted them more than me.

Sorry this is long. Just wanted to express how shitty my ex is.....but it's still better having left.

@Coldiron

Could he be buying the gift in order to appear better in other peoples eyes? If he thinks you might consider leaving he is laying the groundwork for playing the victim with other people?

I would guess this is correct.

Thanks for telling me that - so incredibly tough -@Darkpheonix. I can see you understand exactly what I’m going through. I also expect my husband would behave like that if we broke up. I’m glad to hear you’re happier now.

It's what he'll want me to tell family and friends about, rather than the fact I am very unhappy and, as a person, he's been rotten to me.

You can tell your friends and family whatever you want. People see through "flashy" gifts. My DB buys his GF very expensive jewellery every birthday and Xmas and everyone swoons, but I know for a fact that she chooses them for herself and he just types in his CC number. So it's meaningless.

You'll be happier leaving than staying. This post proves it. You don't even feel happy when he buys you a present! All the joy has gone. Why stay?

You're wanting this man to change, and that's never going to happen. Trying again is just postponing the inevitable.

He knows how unhappy you are and he knows the relationship is near an end.
He's not buying the gift for YOU he's buying it so he doesn't come off too badly in the eyes of other people when it all goes tits up.
"Oh, look what he bought for oblong last Birthday. He must really love her. I don't believe he treats her like crap".

My ex used to buy me things he thought women would want, instead of listening to me. Spa breaks and flowers and chick lit. Used to piss me off because he wasn't listening to me plus it made me feel ungrateful when I'm not. If he had bothered to listen or interested in me and what I wanted then he would have known what to get me (and would have cost less but taken more effort).

So I stopped wasting time thinking of things he would like and went low effort.

OP don't stress about this. Open the gift and say thanks and then put it aside. Afterwards you can return it (come up with a reason like it is annoying to wear/not your colour) and spend the money on what you really want.

Just because he has splashed some cash doesn't change his behaviour so don't feel beholden to him.

Buying something expensive is very easy for him. Trying to change his behaviour towards you is very difficult. He can tell everyone about the expensive present, I am guessing it would be extremely difficult for you to tell everyone about his behaviour. The power is all with him in this transaction. This present is not generous, it's a power move

So why has he done it? He knows I cannot be 'bought' with this as easily as something much cheaper but more fun. So why do it?

So that he can make out you're ungrateful when you eventually break up. "Remember when I got her that diamond necklace? Nothing was ever enough..." with sad eyes for sympathy.

To show you that he doesn't care what you actually want and will do what he likes, whatever you say to him.

To do something he knows will unsettle you as you both know it's not what you'd actually want, but in a way that is hard for you to complain about (in his eyes) as it's pretend generosity. But obviously isn't generous at all as he knows it's now what you want.

To give you a stick to beat you with - "I tried to do something nice for you, nothing is enough" etc

Or it could be a combo of the above. Or other things.

The reason he does it doesn't change the most important thing though. That he's abusive and you're unhappy. Doesn't matter why he's abusive. Doesn't matter why he's got you this gift. You need to end it.

If there are kids involved, they're being taught that it's ok for daddy to make mummy sad as long as he buys her nice things. That's not true, of course, but that's the simplified version of events they'll be seeing.