I live in the US and recently started doing Doordash delivery driving and asked my boyfriend to tag along with me (he also said he wanted to go with to see how it was in case he wanted to do it too). I have anxiety and this irrational fear of messing stuff up when working so I just wanted him with me as a sort of comfort for my first time. He agreed to it, knowing full well what mental illnesses I struggle with, anxiety being the one this post is solely about.
I was doing one of my first orders so I obviously didn't 100% know how the process would work in my region. For this order, I got slightly paranoid because my boyfriend was driving and he made 2 wrong turns by accident, based on MY directions so I knew that was no one's fault but my own. The first mistake, I panicked slightly and he told me to chill out, I said I'm sorry I'm just nervous and anxious. Then because of the 2nd wrong turn, I started kind of shaking my leg and said oh my god or something like that and verbally expressed being worried about delivering food late or it being cold.
(Side note: I'm well aware I'm irrational in this and it makes little sense to those who don't experience this, but its how I am, I'm working on it, and I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 and a half years so he knows full well how I act).
Immediately after getting nervous, my boyfriend got frustrated with me and told me I need to calm down. He said I was taking out my fear or panic attack on him. I obviously don't see things from his perspective, but I'll swear every damn day I had no reason to take it out on him. It's odd to even assume that in my opinion. I denied it obviously and said I was just a little freaked out because I didn't want to mess up and I have anxiety.
He THEN proceeded to scream in a mocking tone "ohh my anxiety my anxiety," told me I needed to chill out, he was done doing doordash with me and he wanted to go home after this last order, and he couldn't stand how I talk to him and even though I tried reassuring him I wasn't treating him any type of way and I was just scared, he still said "well it still felt like you were taking it out on me". He literally mocked me saying I have anxiety and proceeded to make it about him.
I apologized, neither of us spoke to each other on the way to this order, I'm more or less crying in silence. Once we get there, I compose myself and make light of the situation by saying I think I know the person who I'm delivering to, and just get silence. I did make a comment saying "or don't respond." He called me crazy, didn't speak to me the rest of the ride home. He later tried talking to me like it never happened and wasn't a big deal.
I address it again and say I was hurt by him mocking me, he said he just got upset because I was taking it out on him and even if I didn't think I was, I was. I said but I was afraid and upset with my own stupidity and was just acting nervous, how does that justify the way you treated me either? He just repeated the same thing and it hasn't been addressed since.
It might not seem like a big deal and like the most trivial thing, but I'm not okay with this. This isn't the first time he's acted like this with me (making a situation about him and acting the victim, or if he acts a certain way and I address it he then blames me for acting a certain way in response), but the mocking was brand new and really made me reevaluate how he views me and what I go through. I don't just have anxiety because I'm a reserved person, it's from years of unresolved trauma that he knows about.
It would be awesome if something that might have an idea of what anxiety does to a person give me their take on the situation.
I genuinely believe I did not act any way to him. The meanest thing I guess I did was the "or don't respond" comment. I'm aware that the way I acted might put others on edge too and I definitely didn't intend to if I did, but mocking and belittling is a little extreme. But I still apologized and he still has not apologized to me for how he treated me.
I just hate feeling like the bad guy by him all the time and have no one else to vent to about situations like these. I'm not perfect, but I try to admit when I'm wrong and will even apologize when need be. He NEVER admits to anything he's done wrong and ALWAYS justifies his behavior. He once threatened to leave me and kept telling me how stupid I was because I didn't know how to find the size of a car tire. In that scenario he still justifies treating me that way as if I deserved it.
He has me convinced all the time that I'm in the wrong for most things that occur and it feels like a competition to express how I'm feeling because it always gets turned around on me.