I've posted about my situation a lot under different names. The advice I've received and the information has helped me so much. I'm basically back asking for another push in the right direction.
In short, I'm NC with my parents. People on here understand things like verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological warfare, lies, gaslighting, cruelty, sabotage, confusion, coercion...you guys get all of that. This thread is not about me asking if these behaviors are Ok because I now know they're not.
Honestly the emotional impact of this has been so destructive to me. If I put up a photo of me 3 years ago when this began and now it would be hard to see it's the same person. I have recently just started to feel a little bit better. I have been physically ill too which again, I'm just starting to improve from a tiny bit.
In the years before NC my DF started to behave better. He was by no means normal but he made huge improvements to the way he treated me and spoke to me. He decided he wanted to give me some money and put this money into accounts for me. He picked the accounts but I opened them in my name and he sent me the money to put in them.
My DM started to turn very strange at this point. I think she resented me getting this money and potentially having an easier life than she has had. My P's are quite well off by the way, so this was not sums of money that left them short or anything like that. Her negative behavior escalated to a really terrible level, some of the things she said and tried to pass off as normal were frankly horrific. This really hurt as unlike with my DF I always thought me and my DM had a good relationship.
In the end my DM involved herself very closely in these accounts and the process of adding money to them. It was, in short, a fucking nightmare. She made it clear that if I accepted money from my DF then I had to tolerate her treatment of me, I said I would not accept that treatment so the financial support would have to cease and that was her/their choice.
At one point my DF came up to me and said if I needed extra money (I lost work hours) then I should use the accounts he had set up for me. My DM literally ran into the room having overheard this and started on me. My DF shuffled off quickly because he just wants a quiet life now. My DM gave me a load of verbal abuse as usual and also said I could use the money when she was dead and before then I had to do everything she said and give her the control she wanted, and yes she used the word control. This included dumping my partner of many years and marrying someone she would choose for me. That would never happen anyway as she knows literally no one other than my DF.
I obviously said that was crazy. Things then progressively got worse every time we saw each other and in the end I told her that if she would not stop being abusive I would simply not be there for her to abuse. Anyway, NC was the upshot.
I have used some of the money my DF gave me. It came in really handy actually because I have been really ill on and off for the last 3 years. Using the money of someone I don't talk to feels really wrong and sad but I wondered if my DF would have put the money there if he didn't intend for me to use it when I most needed it. I have not used it all just to be clear.
There are 3 accounts that I cannot access. This is because all of the details and the phone used for the login are at my P's house. Even if covid wasn't happening I don't feel strong enough to go there and if I did there is no guarantee that would end with the situation being resolved.
On my last thread people urged me to contact the banks directly. They are online only ones so I can't go into a branch. They also earn interest and I have no idea what that figure is so I have to hugely overpay on my tax form and then they usually return the extra to me. I don't feel comfortable doing this, I feel like the number should be right, it feels crazy doing it this way.
My P's have sent me and my partner crazy letters during NC. Not crazy like I disagree, crazy like I would have no idea where to start.
I have just had another one now that is clearly from my DF and a nasty text message to go with it. I presume it's about these accounts.
I know this sounds pathetic but just getting this letter and text made me feel ill for about 2 days. I have not opened it yet.
I want to be like the confident, no nonsense people on here. Just rip that letter open and reply or throw it away, not let it get to me and make me feel anxious and scared. My DF always sees himself as a victim no matter how bad his behavior is. In the letter he sent to my partner (who he has never met) he started out by laying down a guilt trip about how awful this all is for him and my DM and ended with a threat to report us to hmrc. This threat has nothing to do with the interest earned by the way, it was just some mad made up nonsense.
What should I do?
I've already decided to contact the banks in question and try and get access to these accounts. Even if I offer my DF the money back I would need to do this part anyway. He isn't the kind of person (nor is my DM) that you can work stuff out with. For this reason I thought it was best to take control (for once) and say right, do you want this back or not?
Bearing in mind, my P's created the standard documentation for giving me this money and I don't have that, so not only does it put me in a weird position but if they wanted it BACK they really need to provide the documentation in order for me to provide the documentation to legally give it back. The whole thing is a chaos and a drama and honestly I've lived my life like this and my mental health is destroyed by it all.
I just need to move on now but recently I've become aware how diminished I and how broken down I am. If there was a way to flip a switch in my head and do what I have to do here that would be great. I just don't know anymore.