How many dates would you give it?? I’m a dating disaster

[VerySadRoo]

Most of my relationships have been with difficult men… either emotionally elsewhere, very arrogant, not able to give time to the relationship, dysfunctional etc. I seem to feel comfortable where someone needs me in some way. I’m exploring this in therapy.

My last relationship ended, rather predictably, with a man who was 40, who had never had a relationship beyond six months. We had a great connection from day one and I did love him. I knew I was getting into a bit of a ‘project’ as my therapist called it. He was mostly emotionally absent and it became more and more hurtful as time went on. It ended as he said he would start thinking of kids in a few years and then would want to plan it after that

Anyway. I started dating again. I’m late 30s and would love to settle down but recognise I need to shift my dating to different men. I’ve met someone nice, very engaged in things, took me to a show for our second date, has always offered to drive to me and I’ve been to him too, he’s far more positive than anyone I’ve dated before and that’s made me feel a bit uneasy (I think im used to a bit of misery!). He gets in touch, no games etc. So far.

But it’s date 5 tonight and we’ve not kissed yet because of me. I’ve basically brushed it off twice now. I don’t feel that usual attraction which is odd because in reality he’s no less attractive physically than my ex’s and on paper he’s a catch too.

I know you can’t force it but with my record how long should I give this? I am craving that mystery that I’m just not getting with this guy but I know it also ends in misery.

Any help really welcome!!

Ahhh. I mean you can't force an attraction that isn't there, but you seem to be saying very clearly that you are wired to be attracted to headfuckers (or 'mystery' as you describe it in your last paragraph).

You could try kissing him and see if that triggers anything? - if it doesn't then perhaps try a couple more dates, and if no joy let him go on his way.

It's one to discuss with your therapist, but perhaps a 6 month break from dating while you work on re-wiring your head on what a good man is? It's a priority to get this fixed if you want a long term partner and a family.

Read Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl.

Wow, 4 dates and no kiss and he's looking for a fifth.What a trooper!

I called it off after 3 dates with a guy when there was no hint of a kiss by the end of the date. Tbf though thry were very long dates and also didn't do compliments and I just felt that I needed more...oomph, from a date.

Maybe this guy has been assured that you like him by your other actions ect....

Trust me, its good to find one who takes initiative and books things.

That being daid, you fancy someone or you don't. The reason I gave it 3 long dates with that guy instead of stopping at 1, was that I was hoping to see if a kiss would activate some chemistry. But there's only so long a person can wait!

Go for it, I day! But maybe during the date as opposed to the end (that way he won't feel like it means you want to go home with him or anything). Maybe give him a quick kiss on the lips when you first meet infact! See if it sparks something.

If its a definite no or if by kiss 2 you're still not sure though, call it a day. If you don't fancy someone, don't date them. It's not fair on anyone.

Oh and ps, the history of abuse can make our boundaries a bit blurred and mean that you continue to give things a shot when really you should walk away. If something doesn't feel right or is not perfect for you then don't commit to it.
You're under no obligation. You don't owe anyone a relationship. And looking good on paper means precisely nothing if its someone you don't fancy.

4 dates with no kiss... a lot of men would be long gone. He clearly likes you very much!

So, kiss the guy. It's only a kiss! It will tell you a lot though.

If still no compulsion for more after the kiss, then let the poor guy go.

I knew I was getting into a bit of a ‘project’ as my therapist called it.

& yet you pressed on with the 'project'?
Your therapist naming the dynamic wasn't encouragement to proceed ...

Why don't you take your foot off the pedal, stop dating for a while, stop trying to second-guess or fix unsuitable men, & spend a lot of time working on yourself & understanding the reasons you are prone to self-sabotage like this?

A man won't fix you. In fact, an unsuitable man will break you.
A romantic relationship won't fix you.
Only you can fix you.

There is something driving your need to adopt 'projects' & waste yourself on dysfunctional men. You're not unusual in that - it's bound to be rooted in childhood experience & familial expectations - so work with your therapist, & instead of looking for "mystery" in a man - get to grips with your own, complicated, imperfect but amazing mystery.

You have so much more to give yourself, & so much more to live for, than arresting your own emotional development by distracting yourself with unavailable, difficult men.