Making myself happy

[sophmum31]

I left an abusive marriage 18 months ago and am going through a long drawn out divorce. Had quite a bit of casual sex since my marriage ended. Finally found someone who wanted to do more than just sex and that ended yesterday (he couldn't commit), it only went on for a few weeks but I'm so upset. I don't think I'm upset about him really as much as having someone to have fun with was a distraction from just how shitty my life is. Realised the only way I am currently happy is through attention from men. That's is the main way I get validation and self worth, which obviously does not work!

Keep reading on here about being happily single but I literally have no idea how to do that! I have two dc 15 & 11 (only the youngest goes to the dads EOW). I work from home full time. I watch tv or look at my phone. I do go out with friends when my youngest it with his dad. Don't feel I can go out much in the evenings while it's dark so I just sit in....all the time.

It's also so hard to watch my ex living his best life as a practically single man while I'm here doing everything.

I'm so lonely. How can I fill my life without just searching for validation through men?

Happiness comes from within you, not from seeking validation from other men anyway. Love your own self for a change.

Did you look at the Freedom Programme when you left your abusive marriage?. If you have not already seen this, I would urge you to read it. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, likely need further find tuning. Look also at your local churches and community centres to see what is on offer.

Counselling may also be helpful to you going forward to unlearn all the damaging crap you have learnt about relationships up till present day.
You may also want as a part of that to consider what your relationship with your parents, particularly your dad, is like also.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for replying. Some good points! I haven't done the freedom programme, did talk about it with the local DV charity so I should follow that through. I will take a look now.

I did have counselling for a year last year but that was mostly to get me through the post separation abuse when it was at its worst. So I'll contact her again and see if I can have a few sessions.

Weirdly, my relationship with my dad is wonderful. He's amazing and literally my rock so that is not where this comes from.

I have a dog. He is at least 50% of my happiness when DD isn’t here. He sleeps on my bed, wakes me up in the morning with kisses, hangs out with my whilst I drink my coffee then does a little happy dance to drag me out for a walk. We walk no matter the weather and going to new places makes him so happy that it makes me happy too. We’re currently having breakfast together. I need a good tidy bit may take him out again later and stop for a coffee at the nearby cafe. We wrap up warm and sit outside and he is company.

I’m sure this isn’t an answer for everyone but it’s my answer!

Agree about a dog. Also hobbies/gym/sport.

Agree about the dog! Mine bring immeasurable joy to my life, it’s hard to be miserable when faced with a waggy tail and tippy tappy toes!! I would go to a good rescue and adopt a dog - improve two lives this Christmas