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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My own mother never helps me get relies on me!

18 replies

mailpal · 17/12/2021 16:46

She helps my sister with childcare all the time, they are much closer and my sister lives closer to her too.. i am the youngest and definitely the black sheep of the family, but my mum rarely helps me without wanted something in return..

She is 68 and plays a victim often but only with me, not my sister.. it really pisses me off as she helps her out so much more than she ever has with me yet expects a lot from me??

I pull back sometimes but still seem to fall into the trap of doing more for her than I feel I should..

My sister often manipulates her saying how tired she is, how life is tough all the time and yet it's like I'm perfectly fine, I'm not I just get on with things and life and rarely complain to either or act like a victim!!

OP posts:

SunshineCake1 · 17/12/2021 16:48

You're not a victim so don't act like it. Your mum can only use you if you let her. I would tell her how her behaviour makes you feel and then tell her what the consequences will be if she doesn't stop treating you like crap.

Original poster

mailpal · 17/12/2021 17:28

Thanks

OP posts:

ImmutableSexQueen · 17/12/2021 17:36

Step back. Even if she doesn't realise she's being an idiot and change, you'll have less to do with her so less irritation.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 17/12/2021 17:54

Next time she asks for something say sorry, no. I'm too tired/busy. Ask sibling as you always do stuff for them.
Don't cave.

Original poster

mailpal · 17/12/2021 18:04

I know but she lives alone and at the moment has a sore knee/ leg, my sister is playing victim saying how tired she is due to work.. I'm a SAHM so it's like everything is apparently easier for me..!

I don't mind helping on occasion but it tends to fall on me all the time.. I will discuss with her but maybe now isn't a good time

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 17/12/2021 18:07

@mailpal

I know but she lives alone and at the moment has a sore knee/ leg, my sister is playing victim saying how tired she is due to work.. I'm a SAHM so it's like everything is apparently easier for me..!

I don't mind helping on occasion but it tends to fall on me all the time.. I will discuss with her but maybe now isn't a good time

To be fair, I can see why she’d help your sister more with childcare.

SunshineCake1 · 17/12/2021 18:12

You might be a SAHM but you have at least one child. That is a full time job and gives you little free time.

frozendaisy · 17/12/2021 18:14

Move away

AmIAGrinchx · 17/12/2021 18:15

Just step back say no, sorry ask sister.

Theunamedcat · 17/12/2021 18:18

This is how I ended up caring for my nan I was good enough to wash her clothes when she had accidents but as soon as she died dm and dsis swooped into her house and took everything of monetary value they refused to give me copies of the photos I wanted even though I was the one who looked after her and I just wanted a couple of pictures

My advice is step back let her rely on her favorite we have a better relationship now im not their doormat

thatsallineed · 17/12/2021 18:22

Look up 'golden child and scapegoat' and see if it seems familiar.

Original poster

mailpal · 17/12/2021 18:51

@thatsallineed that sounds spot on already!

OP posts:

thatsallineed · 17/12/2021 23:55

@mailpal I thought it might. It isn't something I've experienced myself so I'm not going to be any good with advice, but please see if you can look at some of the 'stately homes' threads on here. There are plenty of others who have experienced similar relationships with toxic parents, and I'm sure that people will be able to give you good advice on how to go about dealing with the situation.

ReadyforTakeOff · 18/12/2021 01:04

Wow, some really good advice on here..or not.

It seems like your mum needs support and help but your sister has told her (manipulated her or whatever) that she can't support.

If you are a SAHM that is tough but we don't know if your sister has it "harder"?

Just have an honest chat with your mum - seems like your thoughts haven't really been discussed with her. Help her see the issue which she may not be aware of and go from there.

I have rarely found parents to be spiteful - lack of understanding, wanting to bury heads in sand etc absolutely. Does she want to a actively hurt you? Probably not.

Momijin · 18/12/2021 03:22

@ReadyforTakeOff

Wow, some really good advice on here..or not.

It seems like your mum needs support and help but your sister has told her (manipulated her or whatever) that she can't support.

If you are a SAHM that is tough but we don't know if your sister has it "harder"?

Just have an honest chat with your mum - seems like your thoughts haven't really been discussed with her. Help her see the issue which she may not be aware of and go from there.

I have rarely found parents to be spiteful - lack of understanding, wanting to bury heads in sand etc absolutely. Does she want to a actively hurt you? Probably not.

We don't know her situation but plenty of toxic parents around.

OP you need to tell her that you can't more often. It's up to your mum and sister to manage their lives and many people take sahp for granted

GlamorousHeifer · 18/12/2021 07:03

I can't work out if im reading this correctly. Your sister lives close to your mum and has multiple children/works full time and you live further away and are a sahm to one child? If I've got that right I can see why your mum is doing more child care for your sister, apologies if I read it wrong.

crystalize · 18/12/2021 07:15

I think some posters are missing the part where your mum plays the victim - just to you. OP has said she is the black sheep of the family and her mum obviously favours her sister. It doesn't matter whether OP is a SAHP or not. It seems she is the scapegoat child. Its difficult to understand for people not brought up by toxic parents.

Take a step back OP, you are not obligated to care for your mother. Read up on FOG (fear obligation guilt) and take a look at the 'well we took you to stately homes' long standing threads on here. Some really helpful advice on toxic families.

Original poster

mailpal · 18/12/2021 07:38

@crystalize thank you x

OP posts:

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