Feeling sad.

[Tootyfilou]

Not sure why I am writing this really, just to off load.
I am 57 and DH is 64. We have been married forever and have two adult DC.

I suffer with clinical anxiety and depression. I recently retired and returned from a "big" job because of my MH and am now happy at work.
DH still works in a demanding job, will probably retire in next six months to a year, our youngest DC is still in university and currently living at home, mostly.
Our marriage limps along, have not had sex for years because DH says he has no libido, not willing to address this and I have no longer the mental energy to pursue it. I loved sex and becoming a sexless marriage has had a massive effect on my mental and physical health.
DH has always been a glass half empty person, I have always carried the mental load of birthdays, christmases, holidays, which I know is very common.
However every single thing we do has to be instigated by me, and today I just feel like sobbing. His negativity about everything is exhausting and joy sucking.
I am not going to leave him... He is a good father, loves the dogs to distraction( probably more than he loves anything else) He does his fair share of physical tasks at home and I realise he is getting older and must be more tired , but his basic negativity was the same in his thirties... but at least we were having sex then .
Is anyone else in a similar relationship?
How do you stay happy.

"I am not going to leave him"
Why did you write that?. What is the rationale here behind such thinking. People don't want to leave relationships for all sorts of reasons; fear of him, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, feeling too old to start over, money worries... the list is long. If you could state exactly why you wrote that maybe you could think about that some more. Its ok to change your mind going forward. Its not easy to leave I grant you but what you're writing here is a pretty much wretched example of marriage and one that you would also not want your adult kids to at all emulate. Its over really bar the shouting and I would think also he does think more of the dogs.

How is he a good father to his now adult children let alone husband to you?. Selfish and self absorbed individuals like your H do not make for being a good parent or husband. What do you think your now adult children have learnt from you both about relationships here?. Is this really the role model you want to keep on showing them?. It really is not. Currently at least you're showing them that this treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level.

Ok so he does some physical tasks at home (which you do not mention by name, do you mean tasks like putting the bins out?) but that is no basis to stay with such a man.

You're clearly not happy and you won't ever be happy or content as long as you and he are still together for what are really your own reasons. One day your now adult child will leave home, what then for you and your H if you are still together then?.

Ooh harsh!
My adult children have learned that they have two parents that love them, will always be there to support them and are engaged and interested in their lives.
The problems I have are the personal relationship between DH and myself. He is very self absorbed you are completely right, but I would not describe him as selfish, especially to the children.
I do not want to leave him because as sad as I feel about my marriage, I would feel even sadder divorcing at this stage in my life. It would make my children very sad, my elderly parents would be devastated. I don't feel I have to justify not wanting to leave a marriage just because it has its flaws. I am sure I am not the only middle aged woman to have a relationship like this.
Please be gentle it took a lot of courage for me to post and if it just becomes a LTB thread, it's not going to help me. I try to live in the moment and not dwell my relationship.

It’s not necessarily harsh but realistic. And I have also not used the LTB phrasing.

What would your counsel be if another person was writing your initial post?.

People divorce and or separate at all stages of life. And you’re not that bloody old either although you may think you are. He will and likely indeed has made you feel old and past it. Staying with him ultimately stops you from meeting a man who would make you a priority rather than an option or put you second to a dog.

What about you in all this, you matter. Stop with this putting other peoples feelings above your own. Your parents and adult children are after all not married to this man, you are. Your adult children have seen one parent, you here, take an active interest in their lives. If you’ve carried all the mental load too as stated in your initial post then what has he done?.

You have a choice re this man, your now adult children do not. Burying your own feelings by supposedly living in the moment will only get you so far until that no longer works out for you either.

The very very last thing I would want would be a new partner 😃 I realise you are well meaning, and I don’t even necessarily disagree with you, but I am without a doubt not leaving him.
Maybe I should have years ago, but not now.
I really posted I suppose to offload, and wondered if there was anyone else in a similar position that had found ways of improving things.
I am far from some surrendered woman, I am a feminist and very political… in fact that’s how we met.
He is not a bad father, especially when the children were younger , he was wonderful and shared parenting equally.
Its just our relationship that’s a bit shit, sometimes I can block it out , but today it overwhelmed me.
Thank you for replying I really appreciate it.

The thing with posting about my relationship is ultimately it just makes me feel worse about myself and about bad life choices.
In many ways I am so lucky, I have wonderful children, parents and sister. I just never thought I would end up in such a poor marriage, which is obviously partly my fault .

If you’re not going to leave then there isn’t much you can do but accept you’ve condemned yourself to an unsatisfying and miserable relationship for the rest of your life. Your children and parents aren’t a reason to stay in a relationship, and it sounds like being single would be more fun than this, not to mention the adult children can still have two loving parents whether the parents are together or not. They’ll have picked up on the undercurrent. I wish my parents had separated years ago, let alone now when I’m an adult! They haven’t and the atmosphere in their house is one of exasperation at best and despair at worst. But if you’re not going to change the status quo then what can you do but accept it?

I guess if you're not going to leave the only advice I would give is to get out more. Find 101 hobbies and things to do that take you away from the life-sapping environment at home. Make yourself another life.

You have to consider yourself in all this. Why would it devastate your parents? I'm slightly younger than you but split up with my ex a few years ago and the last few years have been the happiest of my life. I am now in a great relationship but will not hesitate leaving it if it starts making me unhappy.

My dad can be very negative and is very critical and I find all that negativity and criticism draining and it affects my mental health. I live in a different country to my parents so don't see them often. As much as I love them I couldn't live with them. I could not be married to someone like my dad, no matter how great he was at looking after us practically.

Why do you want to spend your precious life with someone who is negative and sucks the life out of you? Would you want your children to stay with someone like this? Because I wouldn't. Part of the reason why I left my ex was because I didn't want my kids thinking that it was acceptable to be treated like I was. I didn't want them to model my relationship.

Start prioritising yourself. Do things that make you feel good. Spend time with people who make you feel good. Whenever your husband is negative, get up and walk out. Don't arrange things for him, just do what you need to do.

OP I'm so sorry life has ended up like this for you. I imagine it does for many people.

I would say make more of a life for yourself - hobbies & interests, which will help you make more friends and get you out of the house etc.

My df left my dm when I was an adult - she was about 65 when it happened. She was initially devastated (I thought it was the best thing that had ever happened to her - still do). Financially they had no worries though - she stayed in the family home & he moved into someone else's home so no physical upheaval.

that sounds like any relationship with a man since i was 17 get used to it or get rid

who ever has hobbies and what are they

If you’re not going to leave him you need to make a life of your own within the marriage.
Go to the gym, go out for drinks with friends, get a new hobby etc.
Do whatever makes you happy. But you can’t complain about your situation when you want to stay, despite the negatives.

I don’t think there is any realistic prospect of you being happy in this marriage. I think you have to face up to the fact that that’s the reality if you stay.

To play Devil’s advocate and look at it from your DH’s side, would you say your anxiety and depression affects your relationship ?

Woah - I think you have some pretty harsh reactions OP. It sounds like you needed a bit of emotional support not "tough love" advice. I have to say I would consider how much of your anxiety and depression has been caused by how your H has not met your emotional (and sexual) needs. It's hard to live with someone who doesn't cherish you, it's sad to feel unseen and that all your precious love and care was unappreciated. If you wnatt o stay then you need to live a life for YOU, emotionally detach from your H and look to your own needs and wants.
Presumably now you have semi retired you will have more free time and when your H retires he will also be in the house more - how will you cope with that? Do you have enough room to remove yourself, do you have your own room where you can have privacy and get adequate sleep?

I'd stop instigating things - just live your life for you. Be the best friend to yourself that you can - treat and cosset yourself. Go out with dogs alone. Cook the food you want, watch what you want - get some headphones etc. be more "selfish" and emotionally detach. Maybe view H like a lodger or a housemate.

Try and live in the present more, acknowledge good things that happen everyday - having a nice cup of tea, some sun, your dogs greeting you, a visit or chat with a DC etc. If you start to feel sad about the past then try and limit the time you spend ruminating on that - you can't change the past. If you feel yourself ruminating on the past or your H's shortcomings then get up and do something to distract your mind - exercise, cook, gardening,a binge watch - whatever you like to do.

if your depressed and your husband is a negative person then doesnt that make him by definition a depressive too

If you don't feel ready to leave yet, could you find a FWB? it would give you a pressure outlet.

How was your H's parents' marriage? We tend to replicate what we see as children so I'd be unsurprised if his parents marriage was equally loveless and joyless.