My dysfunctional family is all I have in the World

[christmasgarland]

I'm 23 and single and have drifted from childhood friends and the 'friends' I've made as an adult are more like colleagues. Over the past couple of years, I've realised how dysfunctional and toxic my family was growing up and how dysfunctional my parents' marriage is, and how emotionally abusive my Dad is as both a father and a husband. It's been incredibly painful, I was completely blind to it all before and thought I had had a good childhood and that we were a close family. I guess we used to be closer but as my siblings have become adults they have all responded to the dysfunction by distancing themselves or having poor mental health that makes them isolate themselves away from the family.

I'm completely dependent on my family for social interaction and emotional support. I can't seem to let go of my expectations and hope that things will get better for my family.

Christmas has brought all this sadness up because our Christmas days I sit downstairs in the living room on my own, watching Christmas films that nobody else wanted to join me for, and taking our 2 dogs for a walk on my own whilst I see families out on family walks. My Mum and I eat Christmas dinner together, everyone else eats separately. I see things on social media that break my heart, but it's just the little things I want, just for us to go for a walk together or play a stupidly boring board game or just something.

My Mum is the closest I have to a normal family, and we will do things together but she is very passive and often lets me down. For example, I always have to be the one to arrange things and plans often fall through last minute as she decides she doesn't want to go.

I don't even know what I'm looking for with this post. Just feeling sad

That is very sad.

It must be difficult to grieve for what you've never had.

Will any of your siblings be there on the day?

I’m sorry you’re feeling sad.

I would suggest in the new year finding things to do that could lead to friendships forming so that you have more options next year. I would also suggest some counselling to talk through the issues with your family. It doesn’t sound like they will ever change so maybe you need to change the way you interact with them.

What are your siblings doing for Christmas?

Massive hugs.

Agree with PP, start broadening your horizons and doing new things in the new year. Don’t expect too much too soon in terms of making friends, let it happen at its own pace. Do something interesting and new and look to the future. There’s a lot of love out there for you

If I were you I would stop spending Xmas with your family. There are lots of retreats which run over Christmas, and many people who are otherwise on their own will go over the Christmas week. Or volunteer with the homeless, serving Xmas lunch? Get involved in helping others, try and meet new people. Join a walking group or a book group. volunteer in your local animal shelter. You need to stop depending on your family . They will not change, so look elsewhere.

I think you want support, OP. For your dreams and life going forward.

Unfortunately, it seems from how you describe your family, you're not really going to get it from them.

This is a double-whammy. As the very thing you need most, you are not going to get. Somehow, I think, you have to find your strength and focus in life.

One of the main things you have going for you is your youth and energy, even if you feel suppressed right now. What else is going on in your life? Do you have any ambitions? I'm not talking about being CEO of Barclays here (the word ambition is a loaded word). But just pursuing things you like, enjoy or feel interested in? A job? A lifestyle? A hobby? A new place to live even?

Hugs to you Op. You deserve a loving family who support you and you can enjoy being with.

Don't give up on your mum. It sounds like you could have a decent relationship. Maybe she's ground down by life and so isn't able to be reliable and dependably, but that might change with time, so keep that door open and nurture what you can of that relationship.

Is there any chance of a better relationship with any of your siblings?

Aside from family though, be open to making friends and building your support group that way. Whether through work, study or hobby groups. Could you join a walking or rambling group? It's fun to do in itself, but can also lead to closer friendships.

The good thing is that you recognise your family's dysfunction. Which means that you don't have to be bound by it. You can break free and have good, healthy relationships with others.

By nurturing those friendships, hobbies and interests, the family problems will start to have less impact on your life. Plus you'll be stronger to deal with them.

Know your boundaries. Don't put up with being treated badly. Look after yourself - think about what you want from life and start taking steps if you haven't already. That could be career-wise, education, hobbies, skills, relationships etc etc. Keep building yourself up and know that you are worth it.

I totally understand why this is hard for you, but please be hopeful of a better future. It is out there.

Dear OP, I didn't want to read and run. So sorry you are going through this. It helps a lot if you set boundaries with your family, and find your own identity. And don't let them define your feelings of self-worth! Although it's aimed at people who leave the cheating website, chumplady.com has got lots of good advice on handling toxic relationships and people. Feel free to DM me. Hugs.