I’ve not posted on here in years and I didn’t know where to turn. I don’t think I can move out of the car as I feel so overwhelmed.
I’ve struggled the last few years with not finding a relationship. In my twenties I think I pushed away a lot of decent men, I wasn’t ready to settle down and had other things on my agenda like work. I wish I hadn’t done that. But from my 30s I’ve persued relationships and nothing has come of it.
I’m 37 next summer. It fills me with dread. How has this happened that I am still alone? The last four Christmas I’ve been in this situation. Alone, either in a relationship going nowhere or single. I’ve had to sit through endless gatherings, people asking when I will settle down. In the last year alone, I’ve watched my sister have a little girl and my brother get married. Both are in their twenties, I’m the oldest by a few years. I’ve watched my friend end her 10 year relationship and then watched her meet someone else and is now engaged to them.
I’ve spent so many decembers feeling left out, lonely, worried for the future. I resent any comment from the media or friends about embracing being single and being happy alone. I really don’t think every married or partnered person was totally happy alone otherwise people wouldn’t get into relationships. I’ve done EVERYTHING to keep myself busy and fulfilled…I volunteer, I work hard in my job, I get my hair done when I want, I exercise, I see friends, I travel. I have therapy and I’m on medication for anxiety and depression, though genuinely I think any anxiety and depression would completely go if I had someone to come home to and build a future with. I am independent but I desperately want to share my life with someone. I don’t think I even give this off with online dating either, 9/10 it’s me who isn’t sure, not them. I have tried so hard to find someone.
I just feel like the hope is now gone. I’ve heard ‘anything could be round the corner’ SO many times. Yet here I am, on another fucking supermarket car park, wondering how I’m going to face the festivities and families out and about, let alone face actual Christmas and a new year that will feel more hopeless to me than the last.
I did meet someone early this year and thought that that was it…i’d met my person. I was so happy. That all ended recently when it came to light that he had plans to move 300 miles away and hadn’t told me. I really loved him. I just feel like giving up. Why am I here a year later in the same situation? For the first time ever I genuinely don’t believe for a second that anything will ever change now.
I know I need to accept things but I am finding it so hard. I feel sick and can’t stop crying.