Should I leave....

[Zoolife101]

I have 3 young children. I am 39. I have been with my partner since our early 20's. We are getting married soon. I don't think we should be together because we make each other unhappy. I am so angry and tense all the time. I am exhausted from years of breastfeeding/ co-sleeping/ pregnancy etc. We never had a great sex life, don't think having a lively family has helped, but that is not the sole reason.
When I get unhappy or frustrated I try to communicate, he will pick on the certain words I use and that then becomes the focus of the argument and the real issue takes a backseat. At this point I am so angry I either say something unhelpful and reactive eg) I'll call him entitled or selfish. Sometimes I shout but usually he just walks away because I'm "unreasonable". It's not that I don't want to take any responsibility in how I am, I've been in therapy on and off for years, but can't help feeling he engineers things so that I lose my cool and he doesn't have to be held accountable for his part.
He never says sorry, he never says thank you for the huge amount I contribute to the household. There are some issues with his family, I have to suck it up. They have been abusive at times, he completely ignores it until I'm at breaking point. For years and years the central theme to our argument was he would either say he hadn't said anything when he had and, vice versa, to the point I was almost on the verge of recording our conversations but didn't because of it being a bit weird.... Always "that didn't happen, no I don't, you said you would, I didn't say that" then a few days/ weeks later he'd back track and I'd be left with my head spinning.
I live in his home, I've nothing on paper. I've worked hard on the house but own nothing. He gives me money every month as I have been looking after the kids while he develops his career but I have to ask all the time for an extra tenner here, fifty quid there, five pounds here because he won't share an account with me. It's always for food or stuff for the kids. I find it demeaning especially when he questions it, like if my cards declined and I have to call him to say could you put in £X. So it's not like he doesn't give me anything abd he comes across as supportive in the sense "I can do whatever I want, go to college, go out partying" but if course I can't really do any of it. It's so weird. He is adored by everyone because he is so chillled but I have to juggle a million balls in the air for him to have this luxury.....or so I feel. Every holiday, present, outing, house decision, childcare issue has been attended to by me. I am so tired. And yet he is a good person. He just lives for today and for himself. He's an amazing dad but he does the fun stuff. I don't know if it's in my head and what's real anymore.

I should add I'm about to start fulltime work so at least I'll have some money. Most my deep friendships ended when we got together. He has a good circle of friends but we don't share friends. He is hugely sociable and lives to go out, that's the only time he's affectionate, when he goes out... I feel too old to start again.

You say he is a good person and an amazing dad, and yet I see no sign of that in your Op.

You sort out all the childcare, presents, holidays, outings. You probably do all the cooking and cleaning too? So how is he an amazing dad? Do you mean he's happy to kick a football around and go to fun places with them? Because that's not what makes an amazing dad. A normal dad (nor amazing, just normal) looks after his children, cares for them when they're ill, takes time off work if necessary to care for them, cooks for them, knows what clubs and hobbies they attend, knows their friends names and how they're doing at school.

And he certainly isn't a good partner. You've put lots of work in to his home, and will gain nothing from it if you split up. He makes you beg for money from him as though he's doing you a favour.

I would usually say - don't marry someone if you aren't 100% certain. But in your case, I think getting married might help you financially. Others will be along with better advice than me on that though.

He doesn't treat you with respect. He doesn't treat you ashis equal partner. Someone he adores and cares for. He blames you, treats you as a hanger-on, gaslights you.

You deserve better.

It's probably sounds ridiculous but I feel he brings me down. This week he drove to work with my son's school shoes in his car which meant I had to do an additional 45 minute trip to get some other ones, the week before he left my car keys in his work shorts, again, son was late for school.. something like this probably happens once a week even though I literally line everything up for him...yet I end up the bad person if I get angry but it's so flipping exhausting. I know this isn't abuse.....but I feel abused! I put it down to my trauma history, I can be fairly rigid etc, but I just wonder if I'm being unfairly treated too.

The main points I took from your post are

• He's financially abusive
• When he says things then denies saying it? That's gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse.
• He's like an extra child and you are solely responsible for the mental load.

You say you're too old to start again but have a think about how you feel about this being your life forever. Because it will be, if you stay with him.

I could have written your post, especially the bit about him denying things happening and denying saying things you KNOW he's said. I'm almost at the point now that I know I need to leave, I've already checked out in my head. I think eventually you will reach that stage too.

Do not marry this man under any circumstances. Marriage won't change him and he is abusive in any event.

"It's probably sounds ridiculous but I feel he brings me down".

Its because he does bring you, and in turn your children, down with him into his pit.

You feel abused because you are being abused.
Abuse is not just physical in nature and apart from being financially abused you are also being emotionally and verbally abused too. Your children will pick up on all this and learn from your example of a relationship. You surely would not want this for them as adults in their relationships and its not good enough for you either. This man targeted you at a young age and when you were likely in a bad place yourself. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous poor experiences in childhood, are being further got at and otherwise eroded by this man now.

My guess is that at some point he will take all your salary from you or attempt to do so. I would also think he will try and sabotage your attempt to get back into the workplace. Have your salary paid into an account in your sole name where he cannot access it.

You are 40 next year but not too old by any means to start again. 40 is not old!. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. If you can go to a branch of Boots and ask for Ani they will direct you to one of their consultation rooms where you can access domestic violence support.

As PP have said this is classic abuse. Please watch the video about reactive abuse

You are being manipulated, financially control. The driving off with shoes, car seats, prams, car keys, house keys etc is to trap you at home.

He does not care that he is making your life unnecessarily difficult. Please do not marry this man

I only learned what gaslighting was in the last year or so, and yes, he's done if for years. At one point it was the only thing we argued over. I put it down to him not listening to a word I said or being engaged rather than manipulation but I'm definitely coming round to the idea it is a bit more intentional then he makes out.

How soon is the wedding? Are you in the UK/England?

I think you may need to be pragmatic and consider what puts you in the best position to be able to leave.

People should only marry people who make them happy. He does not make you happy. Therefore you must not marry him.

And also make your plans to leave.

Thank you. You are right in many things you say. I was vulnerable in the early days, we both were, we muddled along ok. I couldn't believe that someone with his good background would want to be with someone like me.
And what you say about age. As soon as I wrote it I didn't entirely believe it was me saying that. My mother was obsessed with age..if a friend came to me at 25,35,45,55 I'd be like you are so young, you've got years left, YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD.

The fact he helped me pay for therapy made me feel all issues sit with me, like I'm broken, I think he was hoping it would stop me being such a nag.

The wedding is not until the autumn. It has been cancelled about 5 times because of covid.

He never gets angry. Or if he does he does it very quietly so I have a lot of guilt because I can be firey. That being said it is when I'm really at the end of my tether. The guilt means I'm a bit more malleable and flexible. He has no ability to reflect, it can be a bit odd at times, like none whatsoever. He is really good at coming through for everyone else. He is pretty good with the kids. He is so avoidant of anything demanding emotion or that might be slightly stressful that I feel I'm burdened by the piled up problems he hasn't attended to. He will literally remember some crappy things I did 15 years ago and bring them up. How the heck he even remembers when he has no memory is beyond me.

He's not an amazing dad. He makes their mum beg for money rather than giving her access to some joint funds. If he's not there, you don't have access to adequate money in an emergency despite it being available.

He regularly makes your son late for school which will make your son anxious, get in trouble and potentially miss out on some learning.

That's just two quick examples.

He is NOT a good dad.

Genuine question - why did you describe him as 'an amazing dad'? Do you really believe that? It's something you need to really think about as your expectations are way, way too low when it comes to fatherhood.

You're right my expectations are based on my own, crazy and probably narcissist father who was antisocial/ psychopathic at times :(

@IWannaQuitTheGym was there a final straw for you to give you that final push? I almost feel I'm waiting/ looking for evidence that it isn't all me. I wonder if I'll wake up one day and think, fuck this I'd rather be homeless. I suppose I've well and truly lost myself, I used to be strong and ballsy. I feel done in and alone these days, I don't really trust anyone. I am working on myself though, trying to create a side hustle and do things I enjoy to make me happier and more emotionally balanced.

Marriage won't solve it. If anything, he'll feel more sure that you're not going anywhere and things will continue as they are or get worse.

@Zoolife101 not really no. it's just been a combination of things really. There's been lying, there's been gaslighting and like you, I've spent a lot of time wondering if I'm going insane and if the issue is actually me.

I've kind of just reached a point now where I no longer care if it's me or not (though I'm pretty certain it isn't), the fact is I'm unhappy and have been for a long time. I think we make the mistake of waiting for something to happen that's bad enough that it gives you 'permission' to leave but in the meantime, they carry on with all the other stuff that just carries on wearing you down. I've got to the point now where I'm stll terrified of being alone but the thought of this being my life forever is equally terrifying.

Ok so this is a ripe example. Probably sounds petty but this is basically the story of our lives and it just happened!..... Just went into the lounge and he's vaping with our youngest children on sofa next to him. I have told/ asked him nicely a few times to do it elsewhere. I don't care if he smokes/ vapes, I'm pretty laid back about people doing what they want to do, but just not inside near the kids. Having asked him not to do it a few times over the last few weeks I finally text him and said how our eldest is at a really impressionable age please don't do it in front of him. He agreed I had a point. So when I see him doing it with my kids just now, I'm flipping raging inside. I said "hey you said you wouldn't do it inside near the kids" he said "no, you said don't do it in front of the eldest not the little ones"

It leaves me reeling. How do I move on from this...I end up wanting to shout at him for sheer frustration, sometimes I do (then I'm the baddie), this time I didn't but then I start explaining myself..."ok please don't. I have said several times, they have crap in them, I don't want sucking on a big artificial box normalised around our kids etc etc" and he makes me feel like a total killjoy/ nag when I know, on a certain level, it's a reasonable request.....and then what pops into my mind is I lit incense the other day and he said that isn't good for the kids lungs. Might sound silly but I didn't really think about it. I ended up putting it out of course...

My last point about the incense was to show that I appreciate we're not all perfect, sometimes we don't think and that's ok. Like in that situation, I was like "really... Surely it's ok?!..oh ok then, yeah, it is smoke I guess... I'll put it out"...which I would say is fairly normal. The discussion that is.

You can't reason with someone unreasonable - you'll drive yourself mad trying to reason with this man.

He doesn't want to talk things through nicely and normally like a nice, normal person. Because he isn't nice. He isn't a decent bloke.

He wants to do what he wants, when he wants and for you to do as you're told.

He doesn't see you as an equal partner and that will absolutely grind you down every further year you spend with him.

It is also modelling really toxic relationship dynamics to your children, who will think this dynamic is normal and be more likely to replicate it themselves as adults the longer you stay together.

The finances are a concern here as you're very vulnerable. He's financially abusive. Getting some advice on that from a professional needs to be your priority I think, so that you can plan your next steps. I would strongly suggest you speak to women's aid ASAP for advice on next steps.

Which should culminate in leaving him.