Dating a widower

[troper]

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice....

Had a first date yesterday with a guy I met via OLD. I'd previously known he'd been single for just under a year. What I didn't realise until the date was that this was when his DW sadly passed away.

Obviously I don't know him very well at all - just a few weeks of chatting and one date but I enjoyed our date and he seems like a lovely guy.

Him and his DC have obviously been through a hell of a lot in the last 2 years and I really feel for him but I can't help but wonder if this would all be a bit too soon for him.

This was his first date since she passed and he's not been with anyone since, for some reason it's making me feel a bit nervous. Am I being unkind?

I do plan to see him again but it's just a situation I've never been in before

Hi. My late DP lost his wife a year before we got together.. Slightly different for us as I was friends with him and his wife.. I would advise taking things slowly and just see how they go... I only had two and half years with him before he sadly died but I'm so glad we had what time we did...Good luck!

So sorry to hear that @Elderflower14

We have friends who were both widowed when they met and they are very happily married. There are no awkward moments with them and they both feel comfortable in mentioning their previous spouse. However, we have noticed that over the years this happens less and less.

It might be but I would say see how it pans out.

As a recent widower myself, I would say try not to think about it in terms of how you think you might feel in his position - assess how he seems to be about it all and take your lead from there. We're all different and react differently to loss, and the idea that we all need a lengthy period of time to get over these things is as much rooted in societal tradition as it is in actual need.

Although I haven't really thought looking for any kind of new relationship yet, that has been more a matter of how busy I am than anything else. If I had met someone who floated my boat even a few weeks after my wife died, it wouldn't have bothered me (and I know it wouldn't have bothered her either). I am (as my wife was) a very simple and pragmatic person - life goes on, you can't change the past - if it feels right, get on with it.

It sounds to me as if the person you met is pretty much honest, down to earth and understands their emotions. Worth a closer look by the sounds of it...

You are a bit unkind.It is not up to you,to decide when it is time to date after a bereavement.you will know this,the more conversations and meets you have with him.is he still very much grieving and talks nonstop of is late wife?or is he talking about his bereavement,but also shows clearly,he wants to move on.

@WrigglyDonCat @Thatldo you're both right, I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel in a position I've never been in and that's not fair. I'm also imagining how is poor DDs would feel but I'm getting away ahead of myself after one date.

I've been through a really tough few years myself (not on the scale he has), more my own health issues and an abusive cheating exH and I'm scared of getting hurt again.

@WrigglyDonCat so sorry for your loss

I’d take it slowly and see how it goes.
Don’t think too much about it. If he feels ready to date then that’s up to him. Just see how it goes.

My husbands uncle lost his wife and started dating less than a year after she died. His family were up in arms about it as they loved his wifeS but he had grown up children and was lonely and wanted a companion.

I lost my mum 18 months ago and if my dad told me he was seeing someone I’d be really happy for him. My mum has gone, she’s never coming back and as much as I loved her, my dad also deserves to live his life and enjoy the rest of his life. He’s only 58.

Life’s too short. Just enjoy yourselves but just take it slowly. There are no rules, no rights or wrongs as to how quickly someone should date after losing a partner.

OP please don’t decide if it’s too soon for him or not, only he can answer that question. If his wife was ill for some time before she died he may have processed a lot of that grief before she died, maybe their marriage wasn’t amazing even before she was ill, maybe he is lonely and ready for company. Only he knows that. We can’t assume

I met my DP a year after my husband died. I did the vast majority of my grieving before he died and during his illness. His death brought sadness obviously but never the feelings of desperation I had during his illness and it marked the beginning of the next phase of my life.

My children have been totally fine with me having a new partner and they like him a lot. They know he will never replace their dad, and neither him or I would ever want him to. We don’t live together and won’t for a long time as the children and I need our own space but it’s all good

Take it slowly and so long as you respect his past and don’t think about what you think he should do or think you’ll be fine

Sadly I'm another widower, just under a year now, also with young DC. I would try not to overthink it, it sounds like he might be in a place to explore dating. It also comes across that you're being thoughtful and considerate too.

Everyone will be different I suppose. For me, another relationship or even meeting someone isn't on the radar at all.

I'm also sorry to hear what you've been through as well OP and hope the future is brighter for you.