If you have spent your life not having any sort of meaningful relationship with one of your birth parents...

[NdujaWannaDance]

How do you feel about it? Has is had a negative impact? Even if you've had a good childhood on the whole and a loving relationship with the parent that raised you, how have you felt about the permanent absence of the other one?

I'm asking on the back of a few other threads recently that have got me really thinking about this.

Children who were born to single mothers and never knew who their father was, have never met him, maybe have nothing more than a name and a dog eared photo and a few vague stories from your mother of how he rejected/abandoned you both, or was abusive/married some other reason he wasn't in your lives. Perhaps you literally know nothing about him at all - your mother had a ONS, or several and doesn't even know herself who your father is, or does but just refuses to talk about him?

Maybe he was a sperm donor in the most literal sense and your mother had IVF as a single woman, or maybe your mother wanted a child, so got pregrant on purpose with an unwitting 'sperm donor' knowing full well he'd not be in your life.

Perhaps the father was in a relationship with your mother but ceased to be during her pregnancy or while you were very young and the contact dwindled to the point where you have very little memory of him. Or it could have been your mother who left you with your father - though that is much rarer.

Maybe you know exactly who/where your father is and you have always lived with the knowledge that he didn't want to be a meaningful part of your life but he has other children in his life who he is there for and considers his 'proper family.' How does that feel for you?

Thanks for answering.

that reads like a newspaper interview, you have to pay for that

I am absolutely not a journalist. You can see my posting history I' a pretty regular poster.

I am asking on the back of the thread from the poster who says she wants to be a single parent by choice. She never wants to get married or have a relationship or ever even have to have sex, by the sounds of things.

There is another woman on that thread who is a single mother by choice and has three children via sperm donor and IVF. I think this is somewhat different from choosing to adopt an already parentless child as a single mother. I am fully supporting of the second, but I find the first harder to justify and wonder how the children born into such situations end up feeling about it.

Lots of single mothers on that thread and on MN in general talk up how great it can be to have complete autonomy parenting entirely alone and there doesn't seem to be much thought given to how the children might feel about that choice or situation, with all its challenges and practical limitations, versus being born into a two parent family or at least having the opportunity for a relationship with the NRP even if they don't live with you.

I wanted to hear from the children on the subject, rather than their mothers, who do a great deal of telling us exactly how happy and well balanced their kids are in spite of it.

I grew up largely without my father in the picture, by the way.

Not me but my DH father left when he was 3 so he has barely any memory of him. It never seemed to bother him hugely not having a male figure in his life, he knew the sacrifices his mum made for him growing up as they didn't have a lot and she worked every hour under the sun to put food on the table and clothe him.
Now we have our DC he understands more so how his mum must have felt, but now he has a hatred towards his father that he didn't feel before.

I do wonder about how my children will feel about their father when they grow up, and worry about the impact on them. He left when they were babies but maintained contact for a couple of years. Currently he does not see them at all and is unlikely to again.

Well my dad had both parents but his father was emotionally abusive and he hated the tension in the house. He said when the sound of his key was heard, their hearts plummeted. He would have much preferred for their father not to be around.

My eldest didn't see his father for most of his childhood, only reconnected with him last year (late teens). At the beginning there was a lot of enthusiasm but he's already been flaky and let him down several times (despite them only seeing each other a handful of times). To begin with his father was happy to pick him up but then he had to go by train and then there were some excuses. So although the not seeing wasn't my choice, it is absolutely in his best interests that he hasn't played a part in raising him.

My friend's father was very inconsistent and would often disappoint her. She didn't feel anything for him when he died last year.

So, imo if a father isn't a good and consistent and loving presence then they're better off without.

Sorry if this ends up being quite long!

My parents were married but, when my mum fell pregnant, he left her. I never met him (he died a couple of years ago, when I was about 35).
My mum made sure to keep in touch with his whole family because her view was that, just because he didn't want a relationship with me, I shouldn't be deprived of my grandparents, aunties/uncles and cousins on his side.
I was an only child to a single mother and I had a great childhood. There was definitely a stigma at that time (mid-1980s) of being an "unmarried mother". And I know we struggled financially - he always claimed to be unemployed so that he didn't have to pay any maintenance. My mum shielded me from as much of that as she could. But I definitely remember watering down the milk and cutting mouldy bits off the bread. On the other hand, my best Christmas memory is of my mum having made my Barbie doll a whole wardrobe full of outfits using just offcuts/clothes I had grown out of. I still well up a little at the memory.

I never wished he was around because I knew he was not a good person but I did used to wonder if, when he was asked if he had any children, whether he would mention me and say, but I'm not in touch with her, or words to that effect, or if he just pretended I didn't exist.

The only time I have ever felt his absence was when one of my best friends got married. When she appeared in the doorway arm-in-arm with her beaming dad, I felt a very sharp pain that literally took my breath away. It took me some to time to come to the realisation that I felt a very alien feeling of pity for my dad that he would never have that with me. I got married a few years later; my mum gave me away and it was fabulous!

He always lived in the same town as us. As I said, I regularly saw his entire family but he was never present.
About two years after I was born, he went on to have a son with his next partner (who already had a daughter who was only one year older than me) and, although he split from that lady, he always maintained contact with his son and stepdaughter. - I have never met either of them.

I used to hate him. A lot. Then I became completely indifferent to him. When he died, I felt pity that he had missed his chance to be involved in my life (because I'm pretty great actually ).

I felt an enormous rush of rage (possibly decades of supressed rage) when I read his obituary in the local paper and it listed his three children as: his stepdaughter, son and then me - with my name spelled wrong!! I even considered going to the undertakers to ask if they could take my name out of any eulogies that were planned but I decided just to let it go in the end. Needless to say, I didn't attend his funeral.

Which is a very long way of saying, I turned out fine having been raised by a single mum with zero input from him. He would not have been a positive influence on my life and I feel that I have an extremely strong bond with my mum as a result of it always being just the two of us. I also know that, should anything bad happen between my husband and I, that I am more than capable of raising my children alone. I feel like that is quite a freeing position. I know I am with my husband because he is a good man and I love him, rather than through any kind of fear of being alone.

I told you it would end up being a long one

My mother left my father when I was three and I saw him about four times a year, or less, whilst growing up. She married my stepfather who was a good man but with his own problems. We never had a close relationship. The major parental input into my life has been my mother, who I am close to now, but she was overwhelmed with three children and her failing second marriage. I'm only realising now the negative impact it had on me, essentially the lack of engagement. I'm grateful for their parenting but it often felt like there was only time for them to provide food and logistics, never to have a proper conversation.

My son has two parents who have a lot more time for him. I hope he feels listened to and appreciated in a way that I wasn't.

I might be a more unusual case as I was left in the hospital shortly after birth. I'd like to say it had nil impact on my life as I grew up with a loving family. But in reality I suspect it forms quite an integral part of who I am

The only time I have ever felt his absence was when one of my best friends got married. When she appeared in the doorway arm-in-arm with her beaming dad, I felt a very sharp pain that literally took my breath away.

I can totally relate to that feeling. My dad did walk me down the aisle as I had some sporadic contact with him in my twenties, but I had a very similar experience once. I watched a friend's DD climb into her dad's lap for a kiss and a cuddle when she was about 7. They were so natural together and I couldn't take my eyes off them. I felt some sort of emotional hammer blow, and I realised it was because I have no memories of doing that with my own father.

I grew up with a horribly abusive dad in the house. I've felt that same pang you felt when observing happy father / child relationships, as he was there, but not nice to us. I truly wished he would just go away, from a very young age, and leave us and my mum in peace.
Everyone's upbringing has an impact, and children with no knowledge of their dad often have many unanswered questions in their lives. So I think it's important for the other parent to answer questions in a mature way, if they can. But a non-judgemental way if that's possible.

I often notice famous, successful people are brought up by single mums; e.g Marcus Rashford (truly an inspiration), and think that it would have been a different story if an abusive dad was handing around, ruining their childhood.