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Original poster

MIL favouring oldest DD - AGAIN - I could cry...

15 replies

Rorytigger · 19/12/2007 13:13

Wrote a while back about MIL taking oldest DD to Eurodisney and not her sister 'as she was too young' (she's 2.5). Got home last night to see they had both got lovey cards from their grandparents - until I read them.

DD1's card reads: To a very special grand-daughter (name), love you, hugs and kisses, nanny and grandad xxxx

DD2's card reads: To (name), love to you always, hugs and kisses, nanny and grandad xxxx

AM I being over sensitive here or is the bias towards my eldest DD again? This is hot on the heels of saying that she was taking DD1 and her cousin to the Panto but not DD2 as she can't cope with all three... Hubby stepped in and said it was out of order and she relented. And she wonders why I try to avoid her???

OP posts:

coldtits · 19/12/2007 13:14

I think you are being oversensitive. I wouldn't want to take a 2 year old to Eurodisney either. I am taking ds1 to a Panto on Saturday, and not ds2, and I don't have favourites.

Theghostofchristmaspyjamas · 19/12/2007 13:15

TBH the cards sound practically the same and I wouldn't want to take a 2.5 year old to a panto on her own never mind with two other young children.

Theghostofchristmaspyjamas · 19/12/2007 13:17

BTW I wish my MIL would even take an interest in any of her Grandchildren

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons · 19/12/2007 13:21

Can see your point re Eurodisney and the panto but do not think the cards are biased.

ally90 · 19/12/2007 15:04

Hi Rorytigger, I remember your other post. Yes, there is a difference. However, you can think about these things overmuch and make yourself more stressed...speaking from personal experience.

Let this one go. Yep there is a difference, however dd2 is not going to notice. And no matter how you try to protect dd2, she will learn from her nanny's actions that dd1 is the favorate no matter what you and dh do to mitigate this. The most important relationship that your dd1 and dd2 have is with you and dh. Not nanny. If she asks when she's older, think of some neutral reply and perhaps ask her to ask nanny why she likes dd1 more. However this could be asking for trouble . Its a difficult situation and its bad enough in the playground when you see it...let alone from her own nanny.

melinda · 19/12/2007 15:07

I think a 2.5 year old is really too young for a panto, and to expect one woman to take an older child and a toddler to the theatre is too much.
The cards sound the same to me.
I also think it is absolutely reasonable for her not to want to take a two year old to Disneyland. I wouldn't want to either, even my own two year old.

My2Weegirls · 19/12/2007 15:10

hiya - there's not much difference in the cards -imo, maybe she just forgot to put the 'ver special' in you dd2s card

many panto's state for children aged 5 and over - and to be honest i don't know that i wouldn't want to take an under 5 to a panto!

pigleto · 19/12/2007 15:16

I agree with Melinda. 2.5 is far too young for disney or panto. There may well be a grandparental bias which you are detecting but you are reading too much into the cards.

She sounds like a wonderful grandparent, give the poor woman a break.

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 19/12/2007 15:23

I would rather stick pins in my own eyeballs than take a 2.5 to either EuroDisney or the Panto.

Sakura · 20/12/2007 07:34

It is really hard for an outsider to tell. What may seem logical and okay or a "slip of the tongue" to an outsider, can seem like the straw that breaks the camels back to someone who has been putting up with nit-picky little incidents for ages. If you just have a "gut-feeling" that someone (MIL) is not being straight, I would trust your insctincts.
I think that other posters are right that its normal not to want to take a 2 year old to a panto and Eurodisny. But if its set against a backdrop of snidey little hints and ongoing comments that DD1 is the favoured daughter then I can see why you would be upset by that. If you feel that MIL has construed situations where DD2 would be left out, then you might have to start setting boundaries with her. I mean, does she tend to do things that will inevitably have to exclude the youngest? After all, theres nothing wrong with the zoo or other activities that both daughters can enjoy.

My MIL was expert in snidey omments and underhand little behaviour that could be justified as okay to an outsider. She sneaked up on me slowly and before I knew it, I was believing that the things she was saying and doing were okay when they upset me and made me uncomfortable. NOw I have sorted it out I feel much better-- it was giving me much more stress than I realised. At the end of the day, MILs who play mind games are doing so out of a misplaced sense of power and a strange need to control other people.

Sobernow · 20/12/2007 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BandofReindeerwaitingontheroof · 20/12/2007 07:56

Is that what the card said, or what she herself had actually written in it.

ally90 · 20/12/2007 08:46

Sakura has much better advice than me! Is copying still flattery

How was your mil towards your dh/siblings as a child?

arionater · 20/12/2007 17:49

Two thoughts - she might have put the 'very special' bit not because she 'prefers' DD1 but because she thinks she is old enough to understand a personal card from someone who's absent in a way that you're younger daughter isn't (doesn't mean she's right of course - but I can sort of imagine writing a more personal message when thinking of an older child). Also possible that she just finds older children in general easier/more interesting? so things might improve as your younger daughter grows up.
Like others, I didn't find the points you mentioned particularly bad, and I think they could all be quite understandable - on the other hand, good advice too to listen to your general instinct about the situation. (If there really is a bias, remember that this might be hard for DD1, as well as DD2, as she grows up and becomes aware of it - if she's the kind of child to feel guilty and uncomfortable by being favoured.)

AnnaPx · 20/12/2007 18:07

Hi, I agree with Sakura that it is really hard for an outsider to tell. But to me there's nothing that different in tone between the card messages - in fact it's nice that she's taken the time to write individual messages to each GC.

Just an aside about EuroDisney - I went with a friend who has a 2.5yo and he loved it - he's really into ToyStory and he met Buzz and Woody and Jessie, and the look on his face was priceless! My DD loved it too tbh even though she was only 8mo, mainly 'cos she likes watching other kids.

for you though Rorytigger. Have you tried talking bluntly to your MIL? Does she realise how her behaviour comes across?

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