Can't get over a man I barely dated. Need strategies to fix myself

[an17]

I have been casually dating after coming out of a long abusive marriage and then being single for 2+ years.

I met this lovely , kind man who was also looking for casual. It progressed to sex quickly as do most casual dates. He was very attentive, and all the good stuff.

But he has always been terrible with messaging. He suggested another date but then left too long to get in touch so I half heartedly called it off. As did he seeing that I was calling it off if that makes sense.

We both had great chemistry and similar life situations. He is a widower while I survived an abusive marriage. Both single parents.

Anyhow things ended and have not been in touch in 2 months now. But for some reason I can't get him out of my head. I have reasoned with myself but somehow my heart is lit without even knowing the person well and when I was clear I didn't want a relationship.

What's going on here I can't figure. He had the vibes you get from a secure stable guy. I feel I have latched on to that.
I have since met another casual date who keeps in touch properly and I feel nice about it but I haven't gotten head over heels. So not that I will fall for every guy I have sex with.

So is it that I haven't learned to take rejection from a guy who I felt was relationship potential? I would like to be cool and independent as I was for last 2 years but can't seem to get him out of my head.

If anyone knows any strategies please do tell. I am a fucking 41 yrs old bird. Behaving like a teenager ffs!

@anlon17
Think you can't get him out of your head cause he was so different to your abusive husband, there for more appealing you where probably enjoying the loving secure feeling to go with it. Hoping you find someone to treat you the way you should be treated 💐

Casual dating is going to be hard if you've got the chemistry and developed feelings for them, it's disappointing because he wasn't wanting anymore than a brief fling and that's what casual means to most men

you either have to go into the mindset that it's going nowhere and it's ok for occasional company with no expectations on contacting regularly or you have a view to find someone that wants a relationship?
The type of relationship is up to you such as being exclusive but only meet up once/twice a week, perhaps that would suit you more? than anything too full on but not casual.

Thanks @Babyghirl. You are probably right. Who wouldn't enjoy that feeling you get with a good stable person.

Moving on from it and not repenting the missed opportunity is another matter.

I struggled to disconnect from the second guy I dated after the end of a long relationship.

First guy was very much a FWB situation and worked really well for both of us.

Second guy appeared to be a devoted dad, hard working, good guy. I think some of those things were true but he was also emotionally unavailable and lied to me. But the devoted dad/hard worker were what attracted me after ex-P. It was hard to let go of that ideal.

It takes time and reflection.

Why are you set on dating 'casually'?

You already seem not to be able to cope with the end of a short fling.

Do you want to put yourself through the same heartache every time? because the type of guys who want something casual by definition won't hang around long and it is likely that they won't see you as 'girlfriend material' if you were to develop feelings for one of them and wanted more.

Maybe do a bit of work on developing your confidence and having a clearer idea of what you want before you start dating again.

Was there a good reason for it not to continue? Is it worth a text? Maybe it's something worth pursuing if you feel like this.

@ikeameatballs exactly the situation here. Devoted dad and very kind. But emotionally unavailable.
@ElectraBlue I am pretty clear on what I want and I can do casual dating well with guys I won't fancy as partners. Its just when you unexpectedly meet some one that resonates to your values the feelings kick in and that messes it all up.

If you really like that first guy I can't see the harm in sending him a text after Christmas asking if he wants to meet up. If he doesn't don't pursue it. Maybe he thought you weren't keen.

Well the reason it ended abruptly was because I showed my annoyance at his lack of contact.i was PMSing so that might have triggered the annoyance more.

Anyhow he stated he was only for casual and he feels I might develop feelings so best to end.

I did msg after but no contact from him. I don't expect that to change. I didn't think then that I had feelings.

Adulting is hard :)

Sounds like he was flakey. Which isn't good even for casual. People can seem all manner of decent but if their actions don't back it up, then they aren't.

If he had been interested in pursing any kind of relationship, he would have maintained contact. If whatever you were getting from him was not enough or not working for you then you were right to walk away.

It sounds like you're just missing a bit of adult company. And maybe he was cute, so you're dwelling a bit. It happens. Its normal.

Best thing to do is probably to focus on other things like friends or work for a bit. Or hit the dating again if you can be bothered. Thoughtje later isn't the best thing to do necessarily when hung up on someone as if you have shit dates it can make the person you are idealising seem better than they are.

I had this and it was a pig to get over. I think I saw his good qualities and did a lot of projecting/ imagining how we would be together but actually, for all his doubtless lovely qualities, this guy didn't treat you that amazingly. Not saying he did anything terrible but he was flaky re meeting up again, and was bad at communicating. Take someone's actions at face value, don't get caught up in idealising them.

Hi op have a read of mr unavailable and the fallback girl.