Help- how do I divorce my husband

[Sleeplessem]

I want to divorce my husband, but not quite yet.

Reason for delaying is I’ve just had our second child so I’m on mat leave and will be getting smp and can’t afford to live solo with 2 kids on that, so when I go back to work I want to divorce him.

If anyone knows some of my other threads, you’ll know why. But it’s not just him, it’s his family too. I could really use some advice on a few things. It’s quite long, so I appreciate you reading in advance 🙂🙂

When I wanted to work on our marriage i told him he needs anger management or it’s divorce. He basically told me that he’d make sure I lost the kids if I file for divorce. I suffered from bad anxiety and pnd during after my first pregnancy he was horribly unsupportive and used to shout at me and reduce me to tears, obviously making it worse. He’s said he’d use this against me as I have a history of mental illness. Can he do this? I’m under the peri natal mental health team to be proactive and get support and I referred myself In both pregnancies (truthfully support has been atrocious in both, but I’m in a better place this time around) would this be used against me?

Me, I’ve no Intention of using my children as a weapon. I think joint custody is the right thing for them. But I do have real concerns over his family. They are very very backwards in their attitudes. Forced marriage exists in their family and consanguineous marriages are still the norm. The family have v strong feelings against anything ‘English’. His mother used to watch our eldest but we had to put a stop to it as the level of care was abysmal, she’d ‘forget’ to fill her water, and change her nappy (leave her sitting in poo) whilst she’d be on the phone chatting to her friends with my daughter saying ‘I poo, I poo’ aka asking for her nappy to be changed. Dh knew about this for a while and kept it from me. I found out how atrocious she was an condensed my hours at work to make sure she didn’t have to watch her again. So I’m concerned if we split, my kids will be subjected to that woman again. Can I stop this from happening?

Living arrangements and assets. We own our house, new build used htb. I can’t afford the mortgage alone. Would we have to sell? I put all the deposit down 17k and dh just paid the fees which was like 2k. How would this work? Would it just be 50/50 regardless of how much I put down. I earn less than him so pay £100 less towards the bills than him.

I have no family or support network, would I need to move out when I file? I don’t think I could pay mortgage and rent.

How much does a divorce cost? How much should I set aside?

When I go back to work, what are my first steps?

Would he have to contribute towards childcare for them? I’ve heard of lots of men despite earning well paying the bare minimum for their children. How does child maintenance work?

I think you’re right @zippityzip when they are this young the risk is too high.

I’m physically safe there’s no concerns on that front.

I know it’s probably not the thing to worry about, but I do worry if I’ll meet anyone else, especially with 2 kids, I’ll be nearly 42 when my youngest is 10. I’m ok looking, not a great beauty but I don’t know if I’d meet anyone else or I’d just be alone for the rest of my life

I'd be concerned that your MIL would use the spicy food incident as cultural differences and get away with it like Star Hobson's mum and stepmum could. Sadly SS are so understaffed that leaving a dirty nappy on for too long wouldn't trigger alarm bells plus you'd need the ability to get proof and if you're split up, that would be very hard to do. Unfortunately men who beat their wives get contact with their kids because they haven't beaten the child I've also read on here that men who take drugs or been to prison get contact unless something happens while the child is in their care.

You can turn off email notifications on MN. Change your passwords and as someone said create new emails, surf in Incognito Mode etc

I'm so sorry you're trapped. As a pp said, a judge would allow a child to choose whether or not they see a parent when they get older. It would be in the child's power to say no contact, short visits only etc

You’re spot on @luverlybubberly! The spicey food wasn’t an act of outright abuse (although it was abusive) it was really a symptom of the English = bad and Asian =good mentality. She denied first of all it was spicy but it had hunks of Thai green chillis in and then she turned around and was like she’s Asian she has to eat chilli, she’s not English. I honestly could have knocked her out. She eats ok now but I banned MIL even being around her when she’s eating because she’s proved she can’t be trusted. The nappy thing, I get everyone misses one from time to time but the time I caught her, the front room stank (as she’d obviously been in it fir a long time) she was holding DD on her lap whilst she was crying and struggling to get away saying ‘I poo, i poo’ and it was so MIL could face time her friends and ‘show her off’. To me that’s inexcusable. Then there’s the emotional abuse that she’s subject DH too all his life to cultivate this sentiment of being endeared to her. Even when they’re older I’ll worry about his family’s influence especially his mother, she’s emotionally manipulative and she tried to pressure dh to marry his cousin when he was his early 20s saying it was the only thing that would make her happy and he owes her. The thought of my kids being subject to that makes me feel physically sick.

DH isn’t a ‘bad man’ I think he’s unhappy and doesn’t know how to articulate it and lashes out. He’s also a product of his environment to an extent, but given how he grew up its remarkable he’s as adjusted as he is.

So sorry you have no support on your side. I don't really have any advice to give about your immediate situation. I can understand your thinking that you will stay to protect the children, so long as none of you are in danger from DH. But please be super-careful you don't end up trapped indefinitely by having more children.

No one is in any danger, and if that changes then I’ll leave and hopefully that would be enough to limit contact with his side of the family.

Definitely wouldn’t be having anymore children even if I was in the most perfect marriage, my body can’t go through it again

I would suggest getting ducks in a row and preparing to leave when the time is right.

Set up own savings account. Separate email (you’ve done this). Start squirrelling money away. See a solicitor for a free or low cost initial chat (can be a phone call) to understand the process of divorce, how it works and likely costs.

Get copies of anything joint - bank statements, birth certificate etc. you need your marriage certificate for divorce.

Research local rents. Make a plan. There’s loads of advice on here.

Then, when you need to, you are ready and can go.

@TheresACrackInEverything

Sorry you are having such a bad time. You could easily divorce on the grounds of behaviour, which you can apply for yourself and costs just under £600. You can ask for that to be paid by him ( I said I didn't want to claim costs, but the court awarded them). The bit that starts to get expensive is the financial award, I'm surprised how much mediation costs. It's about £200! An hour. But at the end of the day, you can't live like that, so you'll have to find the money from somewhere. You talked a lot about his family, do you have any family to support you?

You don’t have to go to mediation…ok in OPs examples her partner is not ready yet, if ever, to sit down civilly and agree , but if she could convince him to do that as it would could a lot less and be a lot quicker In that case only need solicitor to draw up words of consent agreement based on what you’ve agreed. Cost me about £600

@Sleeplessem no advice, sorry, but I wanted to empathise. I’m Pakistani but from quite a different background than DH and I completely understand what you’re talking about - they inherently believe it will be in the child’s best interest to ‘obey’ their grandmother, so won’t be able acknowledge the GM’s neglect as it won’t register as neglect with them. I have similar problems with my MIL. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

@Ryderweneedyou I suspect your DH and mine are from the same region because that’s exactly it, obedience or if not she has a temper tantrum.
We called our son something she perceives to be a ‘disgusting English name’
, it’s actually a Muslim name yet not particularly common in her culture, and the tirade of abuse. But it’s because DH spoke to her about names, thus letting her labour under the false delusion her opinion actually mattered.

The woman is also demanding I have another child as she wants a minimum of 3 grandchildren, again like she has a say. Or will even be having regular contact

Set up a secret savings account. Make sure it's paperless etc so he has no clue. If he's very observant then start saving in cash and hiding the tin or whatever. I was the keeper of a tin for someone and this tin included a pay as you go sim and phone so he couldn't find her via tracking apps.

Collect info like his National Insurance numbers so you can claim Child Maintenance when the time comes. Keep an eye on his payslips /income so you know how much the CM you should get. Note his assets like pensions, savings accounts etc so that you know if he tries any tricks like emptying accounts when you announce that you want a divorce.

Keep a quiet eye on benefit rules so you don't lose out by triggering divorce at the wrong time.

Make sure any debt he takes out is in his name. You don't want to end up paying debt hell that he benefited from just because your name is on it. (It's sadly not unusual here for a divorced woman to be trapped paying debt that her husband benefitted from)

I’m just posting here because I don’t have anywhere to turn to,

This past week he; threw a left over crumpet on a plastic plate across the kitchen.

• broke the microwave after slamming the door in anger
• told me I won’t be able to cope with 2 children by myself when he goes back to work
• told me i should make everyone happy and go kill myself.

I hate my life with this man

That’s an appalling thing to say to someone. OP, would you be able to get any support from your religious community? If you and your husband attend a mosque, would he listen to the Imam? Sorry I’m not from the same background as you or your husband’s family so I might be off the mark, but the comment that you should go kill yourself in particular is so blatantly awful that I feel like you need someone in your corner now. The breaking things in anger is also bad, either he’s struggling to control himself of he’s doing it on purpose to scare you. Telling you you won’t cope with your kids when he’s not around so much is more gaslighting to make you feel you’d struggle alone. Ignore it.

Tbh with you, no religious entities are on the sides of women, I’m sure it would come out as ‘my fault’ somehow.

The breaking of the microwave, i was breastfeeding our so , my husband was making dinner which btw was just pizza, the base was in the oven so he was just cutting up toppings, our daughter then started climbing on the dining room table and I asked her to get down and she ignored me, so worried she’d fall i called to him to come take her down. Slammed microwave door in ‘frustration’ (apparently not rage) and it broke, he even blamed her until I caught him in the lie. He got frustrated because he was being ‘given orders’ and asked to do 2 things at once.

I’d get the blame mosque wise here because I should be ‘grateful’ he was helping me with cooking. (Help- bollox, that implies it’s my sole responsibility)

The go kill your self was at a night feed with my son, he’s been doing one Nappy change all night and I’ve been doing all the feeds and resettling. I struggled falling asleep so only slept about an hr before baby woke up, I asked him if he could resettle him. It was just a cacophony of shit. Insisted he was put in his blanket prior to holding him, so he was kick and then he was holding him on his shoulder was he was sick more and complaining and then I said to him fgs you could have just listened couldn’t you, he was sleep, he’s a newborn he needed time to fall asleep more before being put in his blanket, i can’t sleep like this, he needs changing. He then blamed me and said it my fault he was sick because he had a poor latch. (He’s had some tongue tie reattachment so his latch isn’t perfect but we’re trying). He then started to change him and was moaning I did say to him, feeling like you’re making such a fuss on purpose like you can’t do anything so you don’t have to do anything. And then he said I should go kill myself.

He threw the plate which was mg daughters snack after her food refusal mainly because of his raving and ranting.

He’s so unpleasant to be around. It’s his anger and the perpetual lashing out.

My 2 year old has scratches on her leg just from toddler life and now he’s asking her what happened, she can’t really grasp what he’s saying so she says leg hurt and the moves on to talk to me but says mummy, so now he’s saying that she’s been telling him I’ve been hurting her and he’s got videos of it.

I’ve not hurt her, it’s just little tiny scratches from where she’s itched her leg or been pulling her trousers up and down.

He’s also saying he’ll make sure I never see them again by claiming I’m a threat to them.

All the above is if I try to leave

I’ve called divorce solicitors which he’s obviously found out about, haven’t found any willing to give any sort of advice on the phone, they want intial fixed rate conversations which start from £350 to £500 an hour.

I can’t afford that right now, if he drags it out through mediation which he will, the costs I’ve been quoted as between £5 and £20k depending on how long he does it. I can’t afford that. I wish I had somewhere to turn

Sounds like absolute hell op!

Have you any friends that can help?

If you were my friend we'd be packing up your shit now and you'd be coming with me

Wouldn’t it be kidnap if I just took my kids? He’d call the police on me.

It’s hell on earth when it’s like this, which id say is 50/50. I love my kids but my mother always used to say she wished I was dead, i do wonder if everyone would be better off without me. I’d never do anything like that of course but when everyone you live wishes you’re dead, it makes you wonder if you’re really the problem

It would be fleeing an abusive relationship if you took your kids. Hope you're ok xxx

No one to care or no where to go unfortunately