Is my marriage over

[Spinninghead21]

I really really need some advice, I feel like I’m going insane to the point of having a breakdown. I met my husband 6 years ago and have been married for 3. It was the normal whirlwind at first, I fell head over heels.

He didn’t have a lot at the time, he’d gone through some tough times but I believed in him and helped him set up his own business which is really successful now. I’m so proud as when I first met him he was working a min wage job. I’ve never taken money out of the business and everything is split 50/50 I’m not spoiled or anything like that. I have a good job of my own with a very good salary.

Right at the beginning and throughout our marriage I’ve caught him messaging other women through social media, he’s never met up with anyone (yet anyway). I’ve probably caught him over 10 times. Normal things like we are together but she isn’t intimate with me, we only live together but aren’t together, the normal cliches. This has broken my heart more than once.

More recently I think he might have stopped but his anger and temper is just something else. I’ve been mocked, insulted with the most disgusting names, I’ve even been dragged and kicked. To begin with he used to apologise, now he just blames me.

The last few weeks have been horrendous, I cry most days and have struggled to work. I have a senior job in a prison so I can’t make mistakes but my mind is constantly on how to fix us.

Fast forward to today, he’s told me he is miserable and wants to do the things he wants and he’s sick of me saying I want to spend quality time together. He thinks he should be able to like females social media posts without me getting upset and should be able to message who he wants because he’s sociable. I’ve never said he can’t have female friends but I don’t think it’s right liking girls posts when they’re half naked and you don’t know them. He’s now also told me he’s going to Australia next year for 3 weeks on his own to visit his friend who lives there. I obviously got upset and he said it’s normal to have a holiday without your wife. I turned 40 in October and it was my dream to go to New York, this didn’t happen so we were supposed to go next year but he’s going to Australia now.

Even reading this back I know how it sounds but what do I do? It is clear he doesn’t want to be with me isn’t it? That’s what he is saying? So why hasn’t he just left me? When I ask him all this get says he does want to be with me and I’m crazy. I really think I am going crazy now, I’m so so low. How have other women left people who they still love? I’m more angry with myself too because I don’t know why I’m still with him letting him treat me like this.
Please help

Thanks so much for reading.

You have been assaulted !!! Check your finances and when he goes to Australia change the locks and tell him not to come back.

You've been mocked, insulted, dragged and kicked. He messages other women, wants to holiday without you and wants to do his own thing without you.

I think I'd take it that the marriage is over, or ought to be. He doesn't respect you or love you - if he did, he'd never even think of treating you so badly.

Time to give him the freedom he apparently wants so much, and to go forward without being ill treated and hurt. And the dragging and kicking will get worse, you know that don't you?

Why hasn't he left you? I think the more pertinent question is why haven't you left him?! You are worth so much more than this!

To leave a person you still love you need to love yourself more. Work to your level of self-respect and to those standards you hold for yourself. If you could never dream of speaking to him the way he has spoken to you, well, that's your standard which he is breaking.

This is not fixable. You’re being abused. Mentally, emotionally and physically abused.

You are worth so much more than this nasty piece of work. Please seek legal advice and counselling to get out of there.

"I’m more angry with myself too because I don’t know why I’m still with him letting him treat me like this".

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What was your parents marriage like?. Why is there this onus on you to try and fix things?. Who instilled that untrue belief?. There is NOTHING to rescue and or save here and I would also think that the shoe had been on the other foot he would not have been nearly half as forgiving as you have been. He has taken you for a complete mug.

You forgot too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You cannot either act as some sort of rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

Your above comment is a question you need to ask yourself. Why have you stayed despite his violence towards you, his repeated episodes of messaging women, his derogatory comments about you and his life with you now, his forthcoming three weeks jolly to Australia without you?. I would think he just wants you around so you can continue to be his maid servant i.e wash his laundry and provide food as and when required.

Set yourself free of your abusive husband by divorcing him and going onto make your 41st year on Planet Earth a lot bloody happier.

Reading your comment just makes me feel so stupid. I have asked him to leave many times and he refuses to go because it’s his house too and he has nowhere to go. I could call the police, I know they’d be on my side but all through this I’m trying to protect my son who is 16. Stupid again I know because while he doesn’t hear anything that is said he’s not stupid and will most certainly pick up on the bad vibes. If anyone had said to me 10 years ago this would happen I would’ve laughed. Thanks for taking the time to reply

You leave. Or get him to go. If his trip to Australia is in January, let him go and do all your organising for a single life while he's away. If not, start organising now.

You have a job, that's a great start. 'Get your ducks in a row' (search it, there are lists) and see a solicitor. Keep silent about it - he physically abuses you and this is a dangerous stage in a relationship for abused women.

You will be better alone than with him. No fear of assault, no-one undermining you by trying to make contact with other women... your life will be better without him.

So yes, your marriage is over. But that is the most positive thing that has happened to you in ten years. Keep safe. Get out. Live your life.

Right at the beginning and throughout our marriage I’ve caught him messaging other women through social media

his anger and temper is just something else. I’ve been mocked, insulted with the most disgusting names, I’ve even been dragged and kicked

Why are you putting up with this crap?

But seriously; are you safe? Do you have somewhere to stay? Friends or family to talk to?

How much of your money went into starting up his business? Did you own your own home which he’s moved into?

I ask myself every day why I’m putting up with this and the answer is I don’t know, I don’t know how I can love someone so horrible. I was with my son’s dad for 13 years and he was always lovely so I know good relationships exist. My mum was very happily married to my step dad too until he passed away so I’ve always been surrounded by strong marriages.
I have no friends anymore either, slowly they stopped contacting me, I suspect nobody liked him but nobody ever said anything. My mum has now moved away too, to Southern Ireland and I have no other family so I feel a little bit isolated.

YOU ARE NOT STUPID

He is an absolute cunt

for you x
Easy to say but get yourself out of the relationship and start living again x