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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and Over-politeness to the outside world

20 replies

Cheerieow · 16/12/2021 16:43

DH has low self esteem, but frustratingly, he's stubborn about not changing this. He thinks it's ok to constantly be saying "sorry" to people, sorry for thinking, sorry for speaking, sorry for taking up space. At home,I would argue that he's awkward and stubborn as a release from being nice to strangers all day long! He'll be very oppositional and opinionated at home and it's difficult to get him on board with anything.

In the outside world, he allows people to talk at him, nods and agrees to everything people say, will allow himself to be talked over, ignored, happy to be invisible whilst people go on and on at him about their problems.

He comes home to me and will verbal diarrhoea at me after being talked at himself all day. I've tried speaking to him about his constant apologising and he's telling me that this is "polite." His own parents aren't this "polite" or self demeaning so I've no idea where all of this comes from.

I'm completely fed up of this as our children have now picked up on his habit and are saying sorry to everyone all the time. The eldest is struggling with self esteem and I'm concered about the example he's setting them. He refuses to see this.

Then, to top this, this week, I walked away from someone who has the tendency to talk and talk and talk at us without ever listening because our child needed us. He pulled me up on being "impolite." Now this has really bothered me. He thinks it's his duty to put all these strangers politely before himself, before me and before his own children. He refuses to change it. He's even actively more "polite" or as I put it, self demeaning, the more I mention it.

I recently attended a self esteem programme for parents of children with confidence issues and he goes against everything that has come up in it. He refuses to attend himself.

I grew up with low self esteem myself as my Dad was an alcoholic. It took me q lonh time to build myself up and not be a people pleaser and he is pulling me up for not being one, being one himself and setting a really bad example to our kids.

What can I do? I used to think he was just really kind, but now I just see this behaviour as potentially damaging to both myself and the DCs.

OP posts:

FictionalCharacter · 16/12/2021 17:17

He's not listening to you so it's hard to suggest what you can do. But I reckon he needs to understand that apologising all the time is really abnormal and can be extremely annoying for other people. I used to work with someone who did this constantly - I'm sure it wasn't low self esteem in his case, just a habit. It was incredibly irritating. One colleague snapped one day and told him to stop saying sorry all the time.

ChristmasFluff · 16/12/2021 18:08

If it was self-esteem, he'd be nicest to those who meant most to him. But he's nice to strangers rather than his family.

He values the opinion of strangers more than he values the opinion of those he professes to love.

That's not being a people-pleaser - people-pleasers especially value those they love; just look at some of the many 'doormat' posts on Mumsnet.

Talk to your children about truths, values and boundaries. Teach them the boundary between themselves and other people, and what they are responsible for and what they are not responsible for.

Teach them that so long as they express their values and truths without malice, then the emotions of others are not their responsibility. That is especially applicable with strangers, since they have no way of knowing a stranger's 'buttons'. When one is expressing values and truths to someone you know, it is clearly malice to push a button you know they have, for example.

Maybe he can learn from you and your children. But I'd not be putting up with his attempt to control me. And I'd ask him to apologise, since he's so good at it.

I think you'll find there's something not very nice going on under this 'polite' exterior......

Original poster

Cheerieow · 16/12/2021 19:49

You make a good point here about apologising @christmasfluff he never ever apologises over big things, to anybody. He just throws it about like "hi" and "how are you" s . But nothing that ever matters is ever his fault. Odd really.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 16/12/2021 20:06

I was thinking the same as ChristmasFluff. It's not polite to chide your wife as if she was a naughty child, disrespect her intelligently explained opinions and act as if you are her moral superior.
To me that sounds like a rather unpleasant potential side of low self-esteem, which is wanting to know better than someone, and that someone being the person you feel the least afraid of.
Would he consider marriage counselling? My exh did not respect my opinions either, but he did listen to authority figures.

DismantledKing · 16/12/2021 20:10

He sounds like a real prick TBH.
Uriah Heep outside the house, but a PITA at home.

me4real · 16/12/2021 20:16

I would defiitely try and insist that he goes on courses etc to help your child.

If he carries on like this and it's effecting your DC, do you think you might have to separate from him?

And he obviously doesn't think he's inferior to you, if he thinks he can 'tell you off.'

HeddaGarbled · 16/12/2021 20:20

I think he should be allowed to be how he wants to be in the wider world. It’s not your place to try and change his personality or interactions with third parties.

What matters here is how he is with you. Address those issues. For example, you mention ‘verbal diarrhoea’ when he gets home from work as an issue for you. So deal with that, not the rest of his day.

12548ehe9fnfobms · 16/12/2021 20:22

He may have ADHD.

me4real · 16/12/2021 21:19

He may have ADHD.

Based on what are you sayiing that? I have some ADHD and maybe have low self esteem because of it. But low self esteem (if that's even the cause of OP's husband's behaviour) can have a lot of causes.

I think he should be allowed to be how he wants to be in the wider world. It’s not your place to try and change his personality or interactions with third parties.

@HeddaGarbled The problem is it's effecting OP's children and how they interact with others. It's not like it's having no effect on OP and the kids. She's worked hard to act/feel as if she's on a level playing field with others. She doesn't want her DC to go through the struggle she did, at least as much as she can avoid it and teach them how to value themselves.

user1471442488 · 16/12/2021 21:23

@12548ehe9fnfobms

He may have ADHD.

FFS

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/12/2021 21:26

@12548ehe9fnfobms

He may have ADHD.

What are you basing this on?

billy1966 · 16/12/2021 21:46

@DismantledKing

He sounds like a real prick TBH. Uriah Heep outside the house, but a PITA at home.

This.

He sounds odious.

He is a shit husband and a shit father.

He is doing enormous emotional damage to your children.

Stop trying to fix him.

He's a false, insincere creep.

Get away from him.
Get your children away from him.

Whydidimarryhim · 16/12/2021 21:56

The person he is at home is the real him. He’s putting on a front to others - a false self - given your childhood have a look at Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. Your involved with a deeply un pleasant man - -

Original poster

Cheerieow · 16/12/2021 21:58

Everyone thinks he's lovely. I think to myself, surely I can't be the only one who has this wrong?

OP posts:

me4real · 16/12/2021 22:10

@Cheerieow Men can be completely different in private. That's why a woman could be experiencing the height of abuse and friends/mutual friends don't believe her.

DismantledKing · 16/12/2021 22:11

@Cheerieow

Everyone thinks he's lovely. I think to myself, surely I can't be the only one who has this wrong?

If you’ve even been on the Relationships board, you’d see quite how often wives of abusive men say that. It’s so classic.

YesSheCan · 16/12/2021 22:30

@DismantledKing

He sounds like a real prick TBH. Uriah Heep outside the house, but a PITA at home.

Uriah Heep is what I thought too! OP's description reminds me of ex who would (suck up, haha don't know how to strikethrough) be ever so polite and humble to people outside the home but ranty and judgey behind closed doors, and could be bullying and controlling. Not saying your DP is just like this. But I'm not a fan of excessive, fake humility and 'politeness'. And I say that as someone with low confidence who does sometimes apologise unnecessarily, and know it can get annoying!

YesSheCan · 16/12/2021 22:42

'He pulled me up on being "impolite"'
Yeah, ex did this too. Took me to one side once like I was a child to tell me to say thank you to a couple of his friends who had done a practical favour for us. I hadn't been rude or failed to say thank you, it was more of a pre-emptive instruction as though he expected me to embarrass him by not being polite enough. Another time made me stay up until the very end of his brother and SIL's wedding reception when I was pregnant and exhausted because I had to say goodnight to everyone (who was still there as most people had already left!) Weird. Like I said, he's an ex

Onthedunes · 16/12/2021 23:12

Covert narcissist.

Momijin · 17/12/2021 10:42

I bloody hate people who put on a show. He sounds like a nasty little bully coward.

Reminds me of my ex being all calling professionals incompetent (teachers and doctors) and then when speaking to them wouldn't say boo to a goose. He would also be super generous buying rounds and gifts to friends yet super stingy at home.

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