How often does your OH have ‘just feeling a bit down’ days

[MississippiMasala]

If they don’t have mental health issues (or none that have been diagnosed) how many off or flat days in a month does your partner have (or even you)?

A bit sad days that are not affected by hormones but where they’re quiet, withdrawn, despondent particularly about work or their family life? When I mean family I don’t mean partner or children but parents or siblings.

None. It's probably a 1 in six month occurance for my dp, but even then usually has a reason when we talk about it. For me, slightly more frequently, but that is usually when pmt and stress combine.

My ex, however, frequently. It made life very hard, and I changed too much to try to compensate.

Couple of times a year I guess - mostly when he’s worried about work. He worries when they have quiet patches that the company might go bust (it’s a very small business so not out of the question, but they always get by).

We all have our off days, is how I see it. As long as he isn’t too grumpy with DS I leave him (as he prefers me to). If he gets too grumpy, I read him the riot act (in a loving way mind you!).

Maybe 2-3 times a year and often to do with work, which is extremely stressful atm

On average for my DH it’s about 2 a month which concerned me. I thought my concern was unfounded but seeing the above responses and how rare other people experience this makes me think otherwise.

Sometimes he speaks to about it sometimes not. I don’t really have down days, I’ll be stressed or frustrated with something but I tend to move on quite quickly but things just seems to really bother him for a long time.

What’s also worrying me is that recently his flat moods makes me flat. It feels wrong or weird being all chatty or smiley so I also end up being withdrawn and staying that way until he snaps out of it. I have suggested he speak to someone as I did think it was happening too frequently but he just shut that down.

We have good lives with the usual amount of stresses, there’s nothing extreme that should be making him feel this way so often.

I did think it was happening too frequently.
We have good lives with the usual amount of stresses, there’s nothing extreme that should be making him feel this way so often.

Something about those two sentences makes me very uncomfortable.

Can you explain why you’re feeling uncomfortable @Chikapu?

Mmm, I think it's the fact that it affects you. Between work stress, worry about DS who has some additional needs, general life craziness and the start of peri-menopause, I can be a bit withdrawn at times. Or more, really really need some time where I can just be quiet and along.

But, I think I'm being truthful when I say it doesn't affect everyone else. I'm still here, doing the things that need doing, cuddling the DC, making meals, getting on with things etc. It just means that, perhaps, if the DC are in bed I'll take myself upstairs to read in bed rather than being downstairs with DH. Or I'll drop my usual insistence on us all eating together! . Just to give myself a little bit of space.

I think it’s the fact that you don’t have down days which might skew your judgment. I think it’s normal to have some down days. My DH is the jolly upbeat one in our relationship and even he has down days, even weeks.

Fairly frequently with my newish DP and I struggle with it. At heart he is a pessimist and I am an optimist. A fundamental mismatch.

What’s also worrying me is that recently his flat moods makes me flat. It feels wrong or weird being all chatty or smiley so I also end up being withdrawn and staying that way until he snaps out of it. I have suggested he speak to someone as I did think it was happening too frequently but he just shut that down

This also happens with me. I just don't know what to do or how to help and it also annoys and frustrates me (feel bad about this)

None! Like never in 20 years that I can think of!

Neither of us would spend a whole day feeling down in normal circumstances. There might be a day or two every month when one of us is feeling a bit negative or upset about some stressful thing - if his 12yo is hard work it really gets to him - but we talk about it and try to offer comfort, advice or distraction. We might not be as fun as usual but as long as it's nothing hugely serious we'll both make an effort not to get the other down too.

Never - not one down day in over 20 years. He is in a bubble of happiness no matter what, and he just ploughs through whatever horror we have to go through. I love him for it.

@Chikapu

*I did think it was happening too frequently. We have good lives with the usual amount of stresses, there’s nothing extreme that should be making him feel this way so often.*

Something about those two sentences makes me very uncomfortable.

I have days like this once a week or so. I have depression and anxiety (for years and years) and am being treated. So I think your DH needs to speak to someone. They'll do a sort of multiple choice / rate out of 10 questionnaire to establish how he's feeling and go from there.

@Chikapu I don't think OP is being dismissive or unrealistic about mental health here - I read it more that OP's concern is there is a mental health issue rather than and identifiable short term stressor like family illness or work difficulties that would make anyone feel 'down'.

I don’t think a couple a month are anything to be concerned about tbh. I get at least that myself and am generally happy and well. I think it’s more unusual not to get down days at all and think this is what is Colouring your view.

Very rarely. I couldn't live with someone who regularly got miserable or shouty or very anxious.. I really value predictability and mental stability in a partner. Fine if a one off for a severe live event but not every month for minor everyday crap.

Hey OP, I'm a man and I probably have a couple of days a month where I'm feeling a bit flat or down, but if you asked my partner she'd probably reply that I have 1 or 2 a year.

As a rule boys aren't taught to be as emotionally available as girls, so we tend to bottle up this stuff, which may be why other posters are replying as they are. I'm much more likely to tell my mate down the pub that I've been feeling a bit crap than I am my partner. I'm meant to be the strong stoic one, that's how gender rules work, and no matter how much we're aware of the stupid patriarchal bullshit, it doesn't mean it doesn't still affect us subconciously.

Hormones are a factor too. Noone would be surprised if a woman said they had a couple of down days a month, because everyone knows there's a monthly cycle involved there too. What most people don't know is that men have a periodic hormonal cycle as well, we just lack the really obvious bit where we bleed out of our genitals for a week straight.

Only reason I'm aware of this is that as a teen I was having monthly blood tests. They kept coming back with a low white cell count which was concerning my Doctor. Went on holiday for a fornight so one month it ended up being 6 weeks between one set. Suddenly my white cell count was fine. Turns out men have a hormonal cycle which affects white cell count, and as a teen mine was particularly drastic. Stands to reason that this sort of thing is likely to affect mood as well.

As for reasons why I feel down, could be work stress, could be that something or someone has pissed me off, could be fear that I'm missing out on life ( a particular one during the pandemic), could be missing my Mum ( she died a couple of years ago). Some times though, its nothing. I'm literally just feeling a bit crap.

Last thing I'd want though is for my partner to start tiptoeing around me. Hopefully her cheerfulness (not that I want her to be artificially cheerful either ) will snap me out of it. On the other hand, if I want to wallow then I'll just take myself off elsewhere.

@garlicandsapphires

Fairly frequently with my newish DP and I struggle with it. At heart he is a pessimist and I am an optimist. A fundamental mismatch.

What’s also worrying me is that recently his flat moods makes me flat. It feels wrong or weird being all chatty or smiley so I also end up being withdrawn and staying that way until he snaps out of it. I have suggested he speak to someone as I did think it was happening too frequently but he just shut that down

This also happens with me. I just don't know what to do or how to help and it also annoys and frustrates me (feel bad about this)

Strangely my husband is the optimist and I’m the pessimist realist. He’s always the one saying look on the bright side. Maybe that and what daisypond said is making me concerned.

Also personally I don’t understand why he gets down about some of the things. I’ve never said that to him and will never say it, I am always supportive or consoling. For example he’s looking for another job, he is not unhappy in his current one but feels it’s time to move on. His former colleague reached out about a couple roles, one permanent and one contract. He told DH from the start they won’t be able to come close to matching his salary. DH said that’s ok let’s proceed with the contract application. After weeks of interviews and tests they offered him a 12 month contract, the salary is a lot less than he is on today. He is now down because it’s 12 not 6 or 9 months and because of the salary.....which he was told from the start they can’t match. He also has other potential prospects that have proceeded to second and third stages which he is excited about.

I hope I don’t sound like I’m belittling his feelings, that’s not the case at all. I just don’t understand the reasons sometimes and I don’t know what to say to to him in those types of situations.

DH never really has off days as in down and despondent, he can occasionally be grumpy if he is under a lot of pressure at work. I would say this is no more than once or twice a year.

I am probably similar, although not grumpy, with me I would say I have a lot on my mind,

I don't think OP is being dismissive or unrealistic about mental health here - I read it more that OP's concern is there is a mental health issue rather than and identifiable short term stressor like family illness or work difficulties that would make anyone feel 'down'

@ColitisSucks thank you I’m not dismissing MH at all! I did once try to suggest he speak to someone but he wasn’t interested and got a little angry at me.

@fdgdfgdfgdfg funny you should mention hormones. I know I said non-hormonal in my OP but DH did say a few months ago that he was having his ‘time of the month’

But you don't have to understand? Your brain isn't the same as his.
And I wouldn't use the phrase snap out of it. That is dismissive.
Give him space. This isn't something to fix. You don't sound very accepting.

Oh, and you can have the perfect life. You can have no stress in your life and still have down days. Your normal will not be the same as his.

With the job it sounds a bit as though he's wanting change for the sake of change. It's unusual to go for a lower paid job unless you are unhappy in your current job. It sounds as though he gets excited by the job application process itself rather than thinking of the reality of a change in job. We all need little things to look forward to. Does he have a hobby that could give him these minichallenges?

I used those words because that’s what he says. Sometimes we will speak for hours about what’s on his mind other times (like today when I asked if he wanted to talk about the job) he asks for space to ‘snap out of it’ which I always respect. You do not know me so you thinking (incorrectly) I’m unaccepting doesn’t bother me.

The point of my thread is to ascertain if I need to do more to support him or if I’m being irrationally concerned. I know you cannot put a limit on the number of flat days you have I just want to hear about others experiences. I also know that everyone’s normals are different but his down days have been increasing.

He does have a couple hobbies he enjoys.