Online Dating

[QueenBee42]

Morning All,

To say I'm gutted is an understatement to be honest. In October I felt finally ready to try online dating. It was a really big deal for me as in July 2019 I left my husband after finally admitting to myself that my 18 year relationship was abusive.

Cue starting to put the pieces of my life back today. 2 years of what I can only describe as absolute torture, I felt ready.

My profile apparently was refreshing honest and funnily enough I wasn't trying to scam or make any money out of anyone. I left my guards down alittle and started to engage with the world.

1 month in, countless messages received and sent, 3 dates in the flesh and one person connected with and I'm feeling again shockingly poor. Com.

The man I chose to put my trust back in took only 1 month to smash to bits the little self respect etc I had gain. And I let him, willingly. Its all my own fault, I hear you say!!!! Well maybe so but.....I put it like this, if you don't put down your guards then you never are really able to love wholeheartedly.

So I just feel do sad, back at square one again. Feeling used and taken advantage of. I feel a fool which is appropriate as I was born on April fools day

Do I go away again and lack my wounds or try again believing that this time things maybe different?

Very similar background to you OP, left abusive 18 year marriage two years ago and have been treated like crap from men OLD which has resulted in 0% self esteem now.

I signed up again at the weekend but have since deleted since the same old issues were still there, I.e awful men.

I have no advice just to say you are not alone! It sucks!

I would turn this around

Wow 3 dates was all it took for me to recognise a twat

How great am I as previously I'd have given him more time

How lucky am I that he's not my problem

Now back to the start , who else took my fancy , who was polite , didn't talk about dick pics , didn't seem married or a weirdo ???

There are decent men out there , it's just a case of swimming through the mud to find them

Don't beat yourself up

Thank you Mermaidwaves, it's nice not to feel alone x

Thank you for your positive words hazelgrey. Three seperate men: 1. Date 1 worked out he was a know 2. Got sucked in too deep too quick, more than I should and I'm cross with myself. 3. Top bloke but no spark

Thanks for the positive pants, I'll try and wear them all day.

@QueenBee42
My history 🤨

Date 1 turned up drunk
Date 2 I thought was his dad - at least 15 years older than pics and age given
Date 3 wanted to marry me before I'd finished my coffee

Had an 84 year old ask me the size of my tits
Didn't know if I should laugh or cry 😂

I gave up but live in hope that some decent bloke will lock eyes over the last box of fish fingers in the Tesco freezer

Yip, pull up them pants , shoulders back , tits out and enjoy your day 😜

You need skin as tough as rhino hide for OLD, there are ways of dating without letting your barriers down too far.

How is your life outside of dating? Job? Hobbies? Friends and family?

Come and join us on the dating thread on here as we traverse dating in 2021 and soon 2022. We're a great supportive bunch who laugh, cry, moan, laugh and joke.

Morning OP. Online dating can be soul destroying.

I've dated a few men over the years who have just wanted something casual or claimed they weren't ready for a relationship 4 or 5 dates in when I was starting to really like them.

I recently went on a date with someone I would have liked and he has ghosted me.

Online dating is all down to luck but it might be worth persevering with when you are ready as I've heard some success stories.

That's would have liked to see again

I met my husband on OLD, he was the 17th person I’d had a date with within the space of 6 months. There were a few tears, one noteable heartbreak. Most were nice but just no spark. One absolute player. When I met my husband he felt like home.

Well done first of all for not letting an abusive relationship turn you into an over guarded fortress. Yep, you have to be willing to let some guards down. And you didnt hang around once you realised they weren't good for you. I like the Matthew husseys advice on dating (he's great , look him up if you haven't). It boils down to.. you should set the pace, if theyre moving really fast you can and, given your history, should slow it down. Part of the issue with shaky self esteem is that when someone comes along blowing smoke up our arse and charming the pants off us it can be so compelling that we aren't stopping to ask 'who are they?' 'What are their values?' 'Do I actually like this person?'. Its too easy to get swept up in it all bevause they're giving us something (esteem).

It takes a lot of courage to put yourself 'out there' again. This happens a lot so please don't think it's just you. I agree that you have to take a risk to find love and be loved again. You've got some idea now about the pitfalls so I really think you should focus on having the experience to know better. Take your time. What about 3.? Sometimes the spark happens later, some times it's a slow burn that becomes a long lasting fire.

You're much better off putting yourself out there in the real world.

@SortingItOut

Thank you, I will join. I have spoken to many good friends. They hate him, what he did was cruel and I'd been so open and honest about lots in my life including my sister dieing in June aged 47. It was so so intense. It almost feels like he set me up yo fail, made me sleep deprived and hanger not good for showing my best self. Big hugs to you ahhhh how I wish I could dance girls 🤣🤣🤣🤣

@Themummilly thank you. I'll never stop shoeing my light. In the hope someone will see it for what it is. Xx

@TheTrinity Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

I really wish I could fall for no.3 or Ferret man. He is adorable but I just haven't got that thing. He will become a good friend though I'm sure and I can help him in his business. He has a giving heart. Merry Christmas xx

@supercali77 thank you, your words mean alot. Its not been an easy 2 years but then it hasn't for lots of people.

I understand completely, he is great, he voices a sleep app too 🤣🤣🤣🤣🥵🥳

I agree much slow next time. Make them work for my brilliance. I always try to see the best in everyone.

Merry Christmas yo you and yours xx

@Didimum

Ahhh that's lovely. I know there are lots of happy love stories. I here it all the time from the old people I look after. I want that kind of love.

Merry Christmas xx

I'm glad you've popped back and you've got support in real life.

I'd been so open and honest about lots in my life

This is interesting...why did you feel the need to be so open and honest so early on?
Some men prey on vulnerable women and if you told him about your terrible marriage you are playing right into his hands.
It sounds like his plan was always to reel you in, build you up, then spit you back out causing a proper head fuck.

I'm not saying you have to lie about your past but you don't need to tell people anything until you really know them (1yr +)

When I was dating/looking for casual I always just said my ex husband and I grew apart....the truth was I put up with emotional abuse and emotional affairs for 17yrs and I was a wreck by the time I left.

I would like to give you some hope.

I was with my husband for over 20 years + and single for nearly 4. Spent all that time concentrating on myself and my kids, finding out what makes me happy and filling my life with great things to do and new hobbies. I have loved being single and independent. A family wedding a few months ago made me rethink things so I signed up to a paid dating site. Nothing to loose but I was on a mission. I treated it like another job. I had the mindset of looking for the perfect candidate. Be ruthless, have high standards and remember you deserve the best. It was extremely hard work as I am clueless to all of this OLD and I invested a lot of time learning how it all worked and a few hiccups along the way. I would immediately delete anyone that sent inappropriate first messages or had horrendous grammar ( please don't judge!) I even knocked a guy back who didn't answer the phone when we were meant to have our first chat, apparently his dad was ill?! It only takes a message to let me know but he eventually tried to call me back the next morning but NEXT! If he communicates like this at the beginning I have had a lucky escape were my thoughts! Throw out any idea of 'types' was the best piece of advice I was given. I spoke to lots of dif looking guys and stuck to my base criteria. I got dating fatigue and was exhausted. Only a couple made it to an actual meet as I was so particular. No point going on dates with people I felt meh to. My time is precious. Spoke to a few guys on the phone etc.

6 weeks into OLD and I found what I was looking for all my life. Never felt this way about anyone, even my ex. It's been the most incredible journey and the spark is like something off a Hollywood film. I still can't believe we found each other and I have fallen head over heels. I didn't know men like him existed and I have never been so happy in a relationship. I know it's the honeymoon phase at the moment but it's all going so well and what's crazy is that he feels exactly the same for me. I would describe OLD as the human sh*t Olympics, keep going and getting through all the time wasters, weirdos and immature ones because there is a perfect match for u! Good luck.

Word of warning to women on online dating. Always ask the police if that person is known to them, it comes under Claire's law.
Only saying as my scummy, narcissistic ex is all over the dating sites and he's been charged. Be careful ladies please xx