Why did I say? DV - Trigger Warning

[Lifewithoutlemons]

This is a hard thread to write and i’ve been on mumsnet for a while but i’m pondering my past tonight.

I’m 35 and 20 years ago was the start of a relationship with the father to my 6 children. For 18 I was subjected to domestic violence- regular cohesive control, financial abuse and sexual abuse.

He always made me feel like I needed him

• nobody else would want me as i’d be the stereotype mom who had a child at 16 and was left by the dad. He would often drink - but that was okay in my eyes as he worked and I was a stay at home mom so he needed to ‘let his hair down’ and i relied on him.

He would often accuse me of trying it on with other men and my self worth was so low that at times I did have the odd one night stand or sexual encounter with someone else. I’m not proud that I cheated but I just wanted to feel something different than the pain of being with him. He doesnt know about them.

I used to convince myself that it was normal and it was just because he cared or loved me. I told myself that after each child it would be okay or things would change. I said they weren’t effected by it, even though of course they were and then something happened two years ago. He hit me openly in front of our daughter and then he worked on her and she tried to convince me it hadn't happened.

I realised in that moment it needed to end.
Since then i’ve moved on - met someone new and feel like a completely different person but there is one question I can’t always answer ‘why did I stay?’

Has anyone else been through similar and looks back now and thinks why?

Not sure what i’m hoping from this. I am receiving regular counselling and my therapist suggested talking to others but I dont know anyone else who has been through this in real life.

I'm so sorry you went through that.
I've not and I've no advice or useful words but didn't want to scroll by.
You've done the right thing (doh, you know that). I hope you get the happiness you deserve.

@Thewindsofchange

I'm so sorry you went through that. I've not and I've no advice or useful words but didn't want to scroll by. You've done the right thing (doh, you know that). I hope you get the happiness you deserve.

Thank you very much. Just trying to process I guess.

You stayed because he did a number on you. These men know just what to say to diminish all self worth and belief. Leave you feeling as though you should be grateful for the pitiful crumbs they throw your way. You looked for what you instinctively knew was missing from other men but also recognised that wasn't the answer.

For a long time hope for better keeps you trapped. Also the lack of self belief leaves you paralysed into believing you don't have the wherewithal to leave. BUT what I think you should focus on is that as soon as he started to manipulate one of your children and was willing to be violent in front of her, you left.

Your absolute courage in protecting your children kicked in and you made the change. Please focus on that, be proud, and stop letting the past colour how you see yourself now.

Sometimes, the fear of the unknown is greater than the fear of the known.

Perhaps your relationship modelled the environment you were brought up in, felt familiar?
If you had no experience of being helped, believed or listened to it would be hard to think about leaving that imperfect but familiar place. Hard, but not impossible because, when your boundaries were breached, you left.

Thanks a lot for the replies. I grew up in a fairly stable home so it also adds to my confusion. He definitely convinced me that our kids would be worse off if he wasnt with me and so I owed him for being a ‘dad who stayed’ as lots of our friendship circle were in separated families. Well I say ‘our’ it was all his friends.

I do think that you’re right in terms of ‘doing a number’. Something woke me up that day and I just dont know why it didnt happen sooner.

Firstly. Well done for getting out. Why did you stay?

If your ex was a abusive narcissist, then he was (and is) extremely manipulative. They know what they’re doing, and in Amongst the nastiness there is always enough niceness thrown in. To keep the hope alive.

That cycle is what makes it hard to leave. That cycle in itself becomes addictive. But it also causes a lot of damage in the devaluation part. It is designed to attack your self esteem, make you question everything (it’s incredibly disorientating). They use the nice phases to collect info, make your lower boundaries so that you are vulnerable. They then use that information to and attack you where you are most likely to hurt. They know your weak spots and will use them against you.

Despite all of this, it’s easier to stay because incomprehensibly leaving them feels so hard. They become better than being alone.

You were manipulated by an expert. It’s awful to face that realisation, but I think it’s why people stay.