Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you react to this?

25 replies

Allsortsofroses · 15/12/2021 21:44

My friend, not a MN user or I would've encouraged her to start a thread herself, has told me that (when her female friend was visiting while attending something in her city) her bf (soon to be fiancé) touched or hovered his hand/s around the friend's lower back. Once while walking around a food market, and another time when the friend was walking up stairs in a shop in front of him.

He's from a European country and she's wondering if shes applying British norms to him or whether it's simply inappropriate.

Personally I think it's inappropriate and think it meabs the guy is prone to flirtation/ boundary crossing.

She said the friend seemed taken with her bf, and that maybe he realised. There is now an uncomfortable atmosphere between them.

I don't blame the friend, since (aside from attentively/pointedly listening to the bf's apparently dodgy musical efforts, which is not really flirtation) she says she says couldn't say the friend was flirting with him. (Just that she seemed to admire him) .... so it's him I think is more the dodgy one. They are talking engagement etc and i think she should proceed with caution. And she's possibly doing s working placement abrusd soon and will gave to put a lot of trust in him while she's essentially on the other side of the world with only Skype for several months.

What would you reaction be to your bf touching or "hovering" over the lower back of a friend?

OP posts:
Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 15/12/2021 21:47

(Should add she said friend did not look in danger of stumbling/tripping etc either time she saw it).

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 15/12/2021 23:09

Way too intimate if he doesn't do it to your friend, her mum, her granny, his mum, his auntie...you get the picture.

MummyDummyNow · 15/12/2021 23:19

It's quite an old fashioned thing to do. Does he do other similar things, like standing up when someone enters the room or joins the table?

immigrant002 · 15/12/2021 23:24

I am not from england where i am from this is pretty harmless and quite common

Justsotirednow · 15/12/2021 23:42

Many countries and customs in europe.
Here in nordic country that would be really weird and creepy.

Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 16/12/2021 00:39

@immigrant002

I am not from england where i am from this is pretty harmless and quite common
Where are you from out of interest?
OP posts:
Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 16/12/2021 00:40

@MummyDummyNow

It's quite an old fashioned thing to do. Does he do other similar things, like standing up when someone enters the room or joins the table?
Not that I know of.
OP posts:
me4real · 16/12/2021 00:46

It's quite an old fashioned thing to do.

@MummyDummyNow To random women when a man has a partner? I don't think so.

@Allsortsofroses Does he do it to other people or just this person? It definitely sounds like he's attracted to her IMHO.

Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 16/12/2021 00:47

@SummerWhisper

Way too intimate if he doesn't do it to your friend, her mum, her granny, his mum, his auntie...you get the picture.
I have no idea if he does it to eg his female relatives or hers. I'd have to shed have mentioned it if he does or to her Mum (she only has a brother) or hos relatives when they visit his home country.

She said the second time she saw it, but but actually two hands lightly touching rhe friend's lower back/hips (as she went up a fairly narrow staircase from basement to ground floor of a shop).

I see it as far too familiar/intimate, and inappropriate, like he got carried away or something. You have to wonder how he'd act when such not there, given that's hoe he us when she's in the vicinity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 16/12/2021 00:53

@me4real

It's quite an old fashioned thing to do.

@MummyDummyNow To random women when a man has a partner? I don't think so.

@Allsortsofroses Does he do it to other people or just this person? It definitely sounds like he's attracted to her IMHO.

I presume he doesnt for her to have mentioned it, but just don't know.

We don't live in the same place, also she is in many ways v laid back, passive, doesn't have strong boundaries (if that doesbt sound too harsh).

OP posts:
Roseshavethorns · 16/12/2021 08:21

Its an old fashioned protective thing. I used to do it to my children and my Mum. That, alone, would not make me worried at all.

Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 16/12/2021 10:13

Its an old fashioned protective thing. I used to do it to my children and my Mum.

Both hands on the lower back/hips of his gf's friend while she's going up a staircase in front of him? (the visit (a few days) was the first time he'd met her).

Its a parent or your kids in that example. Pretty different from a new opposite sex acquaintance.

OP posts:
Sparkai · 16/12/2021 10:18

@Allsortsofroses

Its an old fashioned protective thing. I used to do it to my children and my Mum.

Both hands on the lower back/hips of his gf's friend while she's going up a staircase in front of him? (the visit (a few days) was the first time he'd met her).

Its a parent or your kids in that example. Pretty different from a new opposite sex acquaintance.

On or hovered? Your OP said hovered over.

Hovered is surely just old fashioned in the UK, but common elsewhere? My SA boss holds the door and "ushers" me out with his hand near my lower back. I've had it in an Italian man I dated for a while too. Their cultures are generally more tactile (in a non-sexual way), so this gesture is simply just how you treat a woman

Aprilx · 16/12/2021 10:23

@Allsortsofroses

Its an old fashioned protective thing. I used to do it to my children and my Mum.

Both hands on the lower back/hips of his gf's friend while she's going up a staircase in front of him? (the visit (a few days) was the first time he'd met her).

Its a parent or your kids in that example. Pretty different from a new opposite sex acquaintance.

Well you have changed your post quite a bit. It was one hand hovering upthread, now it is both hands touching.
Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 16/12/2021 10:29

From what I can gather he "hovered" before touching the friends lower back with one hand in the market, and likewise hovered before touching the friend's lower back/hips with both hands when she was going up the small staircase in front of him.

In both cases , my friend didn't have a straight on view, but she said he dropped his hands thebsecind time when she moved towards the staircase and saw it.

She says also peesumed he actually touched from the friend's reaction (she looked slightly uncomfortable, though she says the friend showed apparent interest/admiration of him during the visit and the dynamic was starting to make her (my friend) uncomfortable by the time she left).

OP posts:
Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 16/12/2021 10:33

Well you have changed your post quite a bit. It was one hand hovering upthread, now it is both hands touching.

I've tried to explain above.

Things aren't always perfectly defined
/clear.

She thinks he touched, but was herself at an oblique angle. At best it was hovering, but he probably touched from what she could see and from the friend's reaction. (She said she looked a bit uncomfortable/ embarrassed/srlf conscious at the time, but quite engaged/interested in him back.at their place during the rest of the visit).

OP posts:
Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 16/12/2021 10:36

I've had it in an Italian man I dated for a while too. Their cultures are generally more tactile (in a non-sexual way), so this gesture is simply just how you treat a woman

He is French.

Perhaps it is just culture (?)

OP posts:
Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 16/12/2021 10:42

(Btw I've said she could just ask the friend, but she doesn't feel comfortable doing it, and she doesn't want to blow it up into something with her).

OP posts:
Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 16/12/2021 10:47

On or hovered? Your OP said hovered over

It said "touched or hovered his hands ..." if we're being precise/pedantic.

OP posts:
JustALittleHelpPlease · 16/12/2021 10:54

I can't imagine being the least concerned about this either observing it or receiving it iyswim Hmm

Certainly I'll use my hand around the lower back when moving around with friends and so will they - e.g. indicating I have stepped back to allow people through and will be following them in a busy area so others are aware, erm, guiding sort of in an unfamiliar area, oh all sorts. It's in no way flirty that I can see?

me4real · 16/12/2021 11:04

likewise hovered before touching the friend's lower back/hips with both hands when she was going up the small staircase in front of him.

Ugh, no OP. That's like he's getting off on it.

vivainsomnia · 16/12/2021 11:24

Who knows. She is clearly feeling insecure. If that's all she's got to go on though to feel suspicious, she might want to wait for more concrete evidence before assuming he wants to sleep with her friend.

wildseas · 16/12/2021 11:32

I lived in France for a long time.

This isn’t a French cultural thing (ie not something every man would do) but equally it does feel more French than English. French men are more chivalrous than English including to women they don’t know.

I wouldn’t be peturbed if a friends partner did that to me in France and nor would I think it was sexual.

Original poster
Allsortsofroses · 16/12/2021 16:54

I wouldn’t be peturbed if a friends partner did that to me in France and nor would I think it was sexual.

Maybe it is just cultural then.

OP posts:
AnFiaRuaNua · 17/12/2021 21:26

Im not from England and id interpret that as he wanted to touch her.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page