Missing NC mum

[Sparklydiplodocus]

I’ve posted loads before under other usernames about my mum. She watched my stepdad shove my head under water and throw me out of the house, telling me to fuck off because he found me annoying. I could write a book about all the abuse (I still struggle to use that word though!) which made me live in terror every day and fantasise about running away.

Anyway. I cut ties with my mum 5 years ago. I tried to talk to her about what happened when I was a kid and she went into self-pity/ deflect mode and minimised a lot of what I said. I had no clue how to move forward and things fell apart.

I have dreams about her all the time. They are always horribly painful. Either I’m back in the house and desperate to escape, or I zoom back to when she suddenly started wanting to be my best mate around 2009 ish. I miss her as my best friend. I couldn’t relax around her and was always waiting for her to lash out or upset me, but she was warm to be around and fun. She was supportive and made me feel loved (I should point out though that I couldn’t ever relax around her though, knowing all the years of what had gone before, and how she could suddenly become the ice queen again).

I miss the good bits of her terribly. I miss my warm friend. I dread going to bed and what awful dreams await me.

Dunno why I’m saying this I just had to get it out somewhere

Your mum sounds like a narcissist. Do you think she could have changed in the last 5 years? Do you have any siblings?

I don’t think she has changed much. Last time I spoke to her 2 years ago she told me I’d upset my recently-deceased grandad because I hadn’t been round to his house for a while (I hadn’t gone for fear of bumping into her). She also wanted me banned from visiting my dying grandmother.

My sister is on her ‘side’ so we don’t speak.

Sounds tough op is there noone mutual you can speak to? How is your sister on her side was she treated differently to how you were?

My Mum wasn't great either. Certainly not to the extent of trauma that you went through. But I crave the fact that I never had the best friend that I wanted in my Mum. She apologised to me 18 months before she died and I was finding that she could be nice.
I miss my Mum, but I think that I miss, that on occasions, when she tried, she showed me what I had wanted all my life. It's a grief of what you've never been given, more than possibly missing your Mum. It is for me.

Hugs for you Sparkly I’m sorry you’re going through this

@Jk24 yep, no abuse for her. There was a rift caused between me and her when she got married- her dad (my stepdad) was my abuser and I said to her I couldn’t go to her wedding. I couldn’t face him or spend the day with him. She didn’t get it and she didn’t give a shit.

@B1rdflyinghigh I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I think what you’re describing is true for me too, she gave me a glimpse of how she could have been as a mum and it hurts.

You are mourning the mum you wanted her to be. I’d suggest some counselling, letting it all out might help you sleep better.

I miss her as my best friend I think you are missing the fantasy of her being your best friend. Her actions showed that she never was what you wanted her to be. I doubt that she would have changed - she sounds horrible. I know it's hard - I had a horrible mother too. But wishing she was something different from what she actually was / is , isn't going to change anything.

Concentrate on what you actually do have in your life, and try to stop living a fantasy life with someone who never existed. Counselling might help .

I started non contact on the 1st November.

I read something recently that said are you missing them or the idea or the family you wish you'd had.

I'm also noncontact with my sister as she sees my reactive response to my mother not the catalyst that starts it.

It's just me now.

I've been almost 5yrs NC with someone too and I get the odd day when I remember a good moment we shared.

When we finally take the plunge and go NC the abuse is all consuming, it's all we can think about when we see, hear or even just think about that person. As the years go by we think of them less and less which means we think of the abuse less and less too so it settles at the back of our minds where it mellows with time, this allows other memories to surface when we think of them.

Sadly, all that means is our thought patterns have changed, not that they have changed.

Our stories are all different with varying degrees of abuse, if I thought for a minute we could fix this I would try my best but the reality in my story is that someone who can relentlessly target another person and take pleasure in hurting them is beyond having a change of heart.

I’m sorry OP it sounds hard.
My dad was awful, apart from when he wasn’t and for a long time it was worth putting up with his awful side to wait for the fun, charming, generous man he could be.
But then I decided it wasn’t worth it, it wasn’t worth the good bits to put up with the bad bits and in a way the good bits were worse than the bad bits because I was always waiting for him to change. Plus it showed that he COULD actually be a decent human being but wasn’t a lot of the time.
When I went NC I missed him (the good bits obv) but decided I would rather have the stability of nothing than the highs and lows and I realised I missed having A dad rather than MY dad if that makes sense?
I didn’t go to the hospital when he was dying and didn’t go to his funeral and have no regrets at all.
Your mum won’t change and every time she shows her awful side it will hurt and she will keep doing it. I know it’s hard but for your own well-being it’s much better if you stay nc

I’m sorry for all those also struggling with this.

I think there is a lot of truth in what you said @ItsQwismas about time changing how much you think about the abuse.

I dropped my son off at school this morning and cried all the way back to the car.

Oh Sparkly, I am so sorry you are upset. I think this time of year makes it all so much worse.

Would you consider talking to your Dr, maybe they could give you something to take the edge off this until you are sleeping and feeling better?

Would contacting your M help? Even if it didn't go well it might make you angry enough to shake off the sadness?

@ItsQwismas I should probably talk to the gp. I worked so hard though tocome off my meds, it’d be a shame to go back on them.

I would also suggest you contact NAPAC; the abuse you suffered in childhood was in no way your fault. That is all on the adult perpetrators of the abuse.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Contacting the BACP here may be of some help to you; they could link you up with a therapist.

So your sister was treated well... this is shit op, how anyone can treat their children with anything but love is beyond me. Just take your frustration and turn it into a positive relationship with your ds. He will be your best friend not some abusers.