How do I escape? I feel so trapped

[Unhappycampr]

As I write this he's in the bedroom by himself for the second day in a row, not speaking to me and shouting at me if I try to speak to him.

He's always had mood swings but since our DD(4) was born he's been worse and worse. He didn't help much when she was little, all the childcare fell to me, the mental load always falls to me and if he wasn't working he was gaming.

We had always had plans of going travelling but his anxiety, mood swings and lack of any mental load bearing meant I did absolutely everything to make this happen and he did nothing, even threw spanners in the works because of his anxiety.

Even so, I persevered and we've relocated across the country on the first leg of our travelling journey. He even went onto new meds in Sept and he's been so so much better since then. However, he still has the mood swings, even if they are fewer and further between, and when he does it just reopens all my old wounds. Prior to his new meds I told him I was leaving and was going back home and he flipped out and said I was destroying the family, but the next day he called the doc and got new anti depressants and they really have worked wonders.

However, now if I'm ever feeling down or stressed he accuses me of trying to ruin his good mood and brings up all the changes he's made and how his good behavior for the last three months makes up for everything he's done in the past.

But I just don't think I even love him that much anymore, at least not romantically. I struggle to say it back to him and when he's moody like this it makes me hate him, he gives me the silent treatment and blames me and shouts at our DD.

Here's the dilemma though - he loves where we've relocated to and wants to stay here but if I left him I would want to go back to Scotland where all my friends are and my old job - six hours away from where we are now. He was miserable and stressed in Scotland and said he doesn't want to go back.

So I feel absolutely trapped. If I leave, my dreams of traveling are over and I would potentially have a horrific custody battle on my hands and I'll never end up in Australia which is where our travelling was going to finish.

But is all that worth feeling like this? Can I fall back in love with him? Am I awful for leaving when he's making the most effort he's ever made? I just don't see a way out.

It is not worth feeling like you do because your daughter will also be affected by the abuse present. He’s already shouting at her and that is completely unacceptable.

You won’t be going to Australia with him. You’d be better off travelling there with your child one day, neither of you need him in your lives day to day

It reads like he has always been abusive towards you and has further ramped up the abuse since the birth of your child. Pregnancy and birth are indeed flash points for abusive men to further ramp up the power and control against their target, in this case you.

Many abusive men cite depression as a reason and or excuse for their abuse when infact he is not depressed at all. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour. There is no justification for his abuses of you and in turn your child.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. This is no relationship model to be showing here and besides which this relationship is over because of his abuse towards you and in turn your DD. He may well threaten to want 50/50 but men like described actually use that as a way of further controlling their target. He is not bothered about his DD anyway, he has hardly done any parenting and would use her to get back at you. He is not going to let go of you that easily and you will need to plan your exit safely and with care. Do contact Women’s Aid ASAP. Boots the chemist will also help you if you ask for ANI, the staff will direct you to one of their consultation rooms where you can access domestic violence support services. Do not hesitate either to call the police re him if you at all feel unsafe.

Are your family and friends supportive, enlist all the help you can muster to get away from him safely. If he goes out to work leave whilst he is out.

Thank you for replying @atillathemeerkat, God it looks so scary written down from someone else. I think I know my answer anyway, I just need to work out how to do it.