I need some advice on how to work with my in-laws.
Things first went downhill during my pregnancy when my MiL tried to announce our baby news to my partner's family before we had our scan. Also, from very early on, we received baby gifts in the post, which we understood came from a place of excitement and joy for MiL. However, this made us feel very vulnerable as I was originally early into the pregnancy but we made sure she always got an appreciative text as a minimum. Each time this happened, she complained that we had not thanked her enough and sent us angry messages. This culminated in two weeks before my due date where we made a list of different ways to thank her (text, phonecall, photograph) and she still sent a very angry message. In the end, my partner called her to say that we did not need any more gifts. During this, he did raise his voice briefly, but I had been in the hospital for reduced foetal movement and he had tired of receiving yet another angry response to a very loving, thankful message. (Tbh he seemed more nervous about his mother than the RFM.)
After I gave birth, MiL announced the arrival of DS to various WhatsApp groups, which my partner only found out about when he received messages of congratulations. My son needed a very short time in the ICU, and my MiL was aware of the tests they were doing, so we were uncomfortable with any announcements before we were out of the woods. It also meant MiL's friends found out about the birth before DH's own father. My partner texted her telling her not to do this.
This is where thingsbecame very upsetting. MiL told DH's family that he was being abusive and yelled at her down the phone (he hadn't - the only time in his life he had done this was two weeks previously for a matter of moments). When in-laws found out about this, they organised for different members of the family to call DH up throughout a period of 2-3 days and call him a horrible and abusive person. All but one of his family ignored photos of my son to coldshoulder him - due to being ignored, no one asked about thehealth ofmyDS after his ICU visit,which they were aware of.
Since then, MiL has visited and has refused to hand DS back to me when asked. (This includes when she was drinking fresh, boiling hot coffee and I asked for him back as a matter of safety.) We also asked for her not to share photos of DS (we don't really like images of him on stranger's phones) but she has been vocal about how silly she thinks this rule is.
This has led to so much anxiety for me. I'm so scared of offending MiL again because of the pain it causes and I have so much mum guilt because I feel like I was unable to protect DS from MiL. At the same time, I feel angry that while I was recovering from a traumatic, extended labour, my DH was more focused on his mother's feelings due to family pressure. It makes me look at other incidents over the past decade in a fresh light (they always a arrange a big family holiday every year when they know I can't get time off work so DH is the only one to go without his partner; I'm always hungry when I see in-laws as there's never any food which suit my allergy; I was invited to visit but was used as a taxi driver to ferry family members around; I've had tennis balls fired at me during games because I'd never played before and she wanted to win, ). She keeps asking questions like she's testing us and wanting us to fail as parents. I'm already worried about the next visit which might be months away. I feel like I've allowed myself to be a doormat and by association, my son will be treated in a similar way.
How do I parent my son with a family I see as a threat in the background?