Had to tell my Uncle to stop making jibes about my weight (I'm not even overweight)

[me4real]

I've often been quite skinny and so family members delight in pointing it out if I'm not quite as skinny, because it makes them feel better about themselves.

I saw a therapist a couple of years ago for various things and then went through a phase of restricting what I ate a lot and got really scrawny. She appealed to my vanity and said that for women our age it looks weird if we're too skinny and also that a bit of weight (not overweight of course) can mean we look less wrinkly in the face. So she was able to get me to stop and be a bit less scrawny. Some women can be skinny and it not take a toll on their face of course, but putting on a bit definitely looks better on mine.

Anyway my uncle was on about it today repeatedly even after I told him why I don't try and be really skinny anymore.

I've told him that I'll have to cut him off if he goes on about it again, as I don't keep people around if they're bad for my health (I've had eating disorder symptoms on and off for the last 31 years, since I was 13.)

Anyway, just letting off steam really. Anyone else cut of a relative for stuff like this?

It is due to my proneness to ED symptoms (which I'm having therapy for in a way at the moment- symptoms vary over the years and mostly tend to have major food cravings at the moment, but have lost 6lbs for my own preference rather than medical need) that I can't have this sort of thing around me.

Tell them not to mention it to you at all, even in what they may consider a positive way, or with reference to someone else. I think its important for your recovery and if they can't accept that they're better avoided.

@5128gap I agree, because it was the sort of comments today that, if I hadn't known him to comment more bitchily in the past, would seem pseudo-innocuous if you see what I mean?

'When my friends see pictures of you they say you look healthy.'

(I think he made this one up TBH. As I don't think there are any full length photos, and just a feeling I have. About 1/4 of what he says is made up.)

'We all put on bulk as we get older.'

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese Lol.

'Are you sure you're gay, Uncle P?'

Ugh several of my family are like this. I think it's because they see my slimness as vanity or some sort of unearned benefit and that I need taking down a peg or two about it.

I've had crows of joy from my mother and grandmother (both very overweight) when they perceive i seem to be a few pounds heavier (despite still being very slim). I've been told that I WILL get fat when I get pregnant or middle aged as if the thought is very satisfying. Then they seemed annoyed when it didn't happen.

But I can't say anything about them being overweight. That is "hurtful" and " cruel " apparently.

Yes that reasoning makes perfect sense Lulu. I’d be tempted to keep drawing attention to my figure to really rub it in their faces in that case. And ask them how their weight is going . Childish I know.

I wouldn’t be around people like that, just because they are family doesn’t mean they can be rude. I wouldn’t see them and wouldn’t miss them.

OP, well done for taking positive steps to manage your ED, & don't let this stupid man undermine you.

Anyway my uncle was on about it today repeatedly even after I told him why I don't try and be really skinny anymore.

Yeah - when this happens again, remember JADE - as in DO NOT Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Your don't need to respond to your uncle, or anyone, who makes remarks about your body. Engaging in discussion about it only allows your uncle to feel that it's ok to comment, to press you, to expect "explanation" from you. You need to teach him that it is not ok, & that he doesn't get to comment, cross-examine, or expect any feedback from you.

You must have felt backed into a corner by his crass questioning.
Help yourself by remembering not to JADE - it takes practice, but is such a powerful tool, because it demonstrates that you are now a closed book & he won't get any satisfaction out of you on this topic.

He is a rude fucker, so it's ok to be very blunt when he next makes a remark.
"Uncle, it's rude to comment on other people's bodies & I'm not going to be discussing mine with you - back off."

You will likely get some pushback initially.
Another technique is to make sure you are totally comfortable with the above response (or one like it, adjust to suit) & then when he pushes back - do the Broken Record by just repeating the phrase on a loop until he shuts the fuck up.

You can then either change the subject - doesn't matter how transparent you are with that, the point is it is giving him an 'out' -
"Uncle, it's rude to comment on other people's bodies & I'm not going to be discussing mine with you - did you see the film last night / do you want some trifle / how is volleyball training going?" etc

If he doesn't take the 'out' & keeps pushing - walk away.
Literally remove yourself from his orbit.
You have no need to appease him. Get him taught.

Tell him to stop being the creepy uncle.

PS weight on older women can be a nice look I agree. Jackie Onassis was a very slim style-setter when younger. Very attractive. But she kept the extreme slimness up when older and frankly it was not a good look. So have a mince pie without too much guilt this Xmas 🎄 whilst you’re at it

Christ on a bike - are you the Uncle, @LivingLegend?
What the fuck business is it of yours what OP eats, or what size she is comfortable being?
Did you miss the part where she is managing an ED FFS?

Her thread was posted to ask how to manage intrusive questioners (hope that irony isn't lost on you) - not to have PP give her their lordly permission to eat, or offer up their judgements about other women's bodies.

I mean, one time I put on a matter of 4lbs as I stopped an activity I was doing, so I was probably an 8-10 rather than an 8, and he said 'I'm saying nothing' in front of everyone when I had a desert. My mum made similar delighted comments the next time she saw me after that.

Fucksake OP.
Your family are toxic. No wonder you developed an ED.
More power to you for managing the problem, staying healthy, & seeking help from experts instead of approval from e.g. your uncle & mother.

'I'm saying nothing;
"Excellent, Uncle. You're learning at last. Keep it that way.*

Your mother's delighted comments?
"Mum - STFU. I don't want to hear another word about my body, my weight, or what I do or do not eat. If you want to see me again, remember that."

Your health is so very much more important than these relative's desire to make you their object OP. You have every right to be very angry with them, & to keep contact to the minimum you can handle for your own wellbeing

Chillax, Buckface, no need to swear or be abusive either. Irony . Get a grip and a sense of proportion, a dose of humility might do wonders maybe next time at the Drs?

@LivingLegend

Chillax, Buckface, no need to swear or be abusive either. Irony . Get a grip and a sense of proportion, a dose of humility might do wonders maybe next time at the Drs?

Humility?

I'm proud of not popping up on an ED thread to make odious observations about women's bodies, or to give the OP permission to eat.

tbh if you get defensive he must surely get some sort of perverse pleasure out of that. I would say quizzically; 'Why do you say these things? It is none of your business and I have told you to stop? What flaw is there in your charater that you get a kick out of going on about it? Don't you think that's a bit wierd? Should you get some help for that?'

Or-

My father is a bit critical of people being overweight (despite now being very overweight himself). They live abroad so we do not see them often but the last time they were here they commented approvingly on my two DSs taking after their dad who is long and slim. I bellowed at the top of my deepest most authoritarian voice ; WE DO NOT COMMENT ON OTHER PEOPLE'S BODIES IN THIS HOUSE'.

It was very effective.

You uncle is a complete tosser by the way.

A stony and "speaking" silence may be easiest.

@ChargingBuck - @LivingLegend was responding to my comment in my OP. x

I saw a therapist a couple of years ago for various things and then went through a phase of restricting what I ate a lot and got really scrawny. She appealed to my vanity and said that for women our age it looks weird if we're too skinny and also that a bit of weight (not overweight of course) can mean we look less wrinkly in the face. So she was able to get me to stop and be a bit less scrawny. Some women can be skinny and it not take a toll on their face of course, but putting on a bit definitely looks better on mine.

'I'm saying nothing;

"Excellent, Uncle. You're learning at last. Keep it that way.*

Lol, excellent.

Sorry, that was formatted badly, the response to my uncle saying 'I'm saying nothing' when I had a pudding was a clever one from Chargingbuck.

Just say "Fuck off you fat bastard"

@Vanuatu

Haha brilliant

Seriously though, a lot of older, male relatives (and some women) do this. I was very shy and easily hurt when younger. They haven't got away with this for years. I would never be as rude as some of my family.

Thanks Van.

My sister's been slightly like it sometimes too.

But not going to put up with it from any of them now.