NC mother - how do I keep an eye on her from a distance?

[penguinwithasuitcase]

Almost entirely NC with my mother for about 5 years –a few e-mails here and there.

To set a bit of context for how I'd like this thread to go, I'm not NC because I think she's evil, and I'm not interested in any badmouthing of her on any front.

What I am interested to know are your thoughts on how to make sure I know if anything serious happens to her.

We live in different countries. She doesn't have my address and I don't have hers. We don't have phone numbers for one another - only e-mail addresses (and I have an email address I only use for her).

I don't think she'll have set up a will or legal directive about who to contact / what to do in the case of a serious accident or her passing away –it's not really the way she rolls.

As COVID continues (she's undoubtedly unvaccinated) and she gets older, I'm getting increasingly concerned that if something were to happen to her, I wouldn't find out for a long, long time.

Just writing this out it feels very unlikely, but it's worth a try –is there anything I can do at my end to maximise the chances of being notified in case of an emergency?

If you're concerned, would it not perhaps be the time to become more regular with contact? Ensuring that she has all your details?

If your that concerned maybe it's time to made an effort with her again? You can't have it both ways!

@peboh I can't let her have all my details for safety reasons. I check the e-mail account from her every week, just in case –and she knows that's the place she can contact me if she needs to. But obviously if something happened, she wouldn't be e-mailing...

@RoastedParnsip 'make an effort with her'? Do elaborate, please...

Do you have a friend or a relative who could help?

OP i have the same concerns about my NC mother so would be interested in responses.

In my case she does have my phone number and address (which I'm actually not comfortable with due to past behaviour). My mother has been in accidents, hospital etc and the only way I have found out is by other relatives telling me. But she is NC with them too, so they have only found out by chance or if she told them in order to manipulate them into doing something.

[quote penguinwithasuitcase]@peboh I can't let her have all my details for safety reasons. I check the e-mail account from her every week, just in case –and she knows that's the place she can contact me if she needs to. But obviously if something happened, she wouldn't be e-mailing...

@RoastedParnsip 'make an effort with her'? Do elaborate, please...[/quote]
Would it be possible for you to have her contact details? Or on your next contact with her discuss what would happen if she were to fall I'll etc, and find out who she has as a point of contact incase of an emergency?

@peboh I think getting her details would certainly be a start, although there's a good chance she'll withhold hers unless I give her mine. I can try, though.

I'd be very surprised if she had anyone as a point of contact in case of emergency - emergencies are for weak people

@Momijin she has a sister who I think she's in fairly regular contact with, and who's very sweet to me. I've been wary about getting in contact with her sister because I don't want my mother to start seeing her as either a 'traitor' or a way to mess with me. I don't think the sister really understands why we don't speak and there's a good chance she'll mention me getting in touch to my mother –which could then set off a whole domino effect of drama and sully their relationship (which is the last thing I want). But perhaps that's me catastrophising and it's a risk I'll have to take.

@Asiama very similar situation here.

It's not my mother's fault that she is the way she is. She did (and is doing) the best she can. It's just that her 'best' is - and was - really freaking terrifying at times. I love her, and I want the best for her. I just can't have her in my life.

The thing is OP, if you are NC or VVLC with someone by definition you don't really know whats going on in each other's lives. Thats the positive in many cases. People are free to live their lives without aggravation, abuse and disruption.

You could say to your aunt that you don't want to remain in regular contact with your mother for various reasons but you would appreciate it if she let you know any important news e.g. illness? But (1) then maybe she would do that anyway? (2) would she mind you asking her that and (3) what would you do with any news?

If you're mother doesn't like "weakness" it may be that she is doing fine by herself and can look after her own interests very well. If there were medical issues, I assume she would be taken care of anyway.

Anyway, just some final thoughts, it has made me reflect - not everything in life is our responsibility. Even with our best intentions, this is reality. Much of life is outside our control. If you have done your best, and I'm sure you have OP, what else can you realistically do.

I am going in a similar position with my mum. NC and living in different countries on opposite sides of the world. I also don’t have a phone number for her and I’m not sure of her current address. They move around a lot as she’s constantly dissatisfied. Last time she moved, I only found out through friends initially until she contacted me a year later with her address. I’ve been told that they were just renting that property and tenancy was up shortly after that, no one has been able to confirm if they stayed on or moved again. I do have an email for her though but she has deleted and blocked me on Facebook.

I have sent her emails in the past asking her to please make it so someone contacts me if she needs my support and that she makes it so I am able to make medical decisions on her behalf if she doesn’t have capacity. If I didn’t have an email, I would find a way to get an address and send the same in a letter. She also still has a few friends that I am close to who remain in touch with her. I’ve asked them to contact me if they have any concerns about their well-being. She has similarly cut many old friends off as well (all to do with her abusive partner and their unhealthy relationship). So it’s hard to know if they will always be around though.

Honestly, as time goes on, I am bothered less and less. The destruction she has caused in my life has been enormous. And then she just up and buggered off because being asked to deal with it and clean up the mess was just too confronting. She’s very unicorns and rainbows and #blessed and happy thoughts only. It was easier to head for the hills than work on herself. So while I do want the best for her and wouldn’t wish her any harm, and certainly would be there to support her if she contacted me and asked, my life has been so much more peaceful and it would probably ultimately be easier if I didn’t here from her again. Sad but true.

I'd be inclined to make sure her sister has contact details for you, even if just the email too. Does she have children, your cousins, anyone who you could trust with a tel number in case of emergency if that is what you want to happen in such circumstances?

Burner SIM, give the number to your aunt, something like, "you know we haven't been getting on all that well but I would still like to know if she is seriously ill or worse"
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I sympathize, I have a relative who went NC with everyone, and just because I haven't done the same doesn't mean I can't see things from his p.o.v. and at least understand why (a little). If he'd asked that of me I would have done it.

Thanks, @Inthewainscoting - I think you're all right, the aunt is the way to go.

I just hope it doesn't cause her any drama.

@LivingLegend in all honesty I don't know what I'd do with any news. I have a hunch about how I'll feel, but I'll only find out for sure if/when it happens, you know?

Unfortunately her dislike of weakness doesn't mean she takes good care of herself. I wish that were the case. In this case it means she ignores all warning signs of any ill health until she literally has a heart attack, or loses consciousness because she hasn't been eating, or falls off a roof (it's all happened). Then someone finds out once she's already been in hospital for a week, because she doesn't want anyone to know.

I think what would feel worse is if something happened and I didn't find out until it was too late to even make a choice about what to do.

Much as I can't have her in my life, I hate the thought of her passing away alone and believing that nobody loved her.

I would go through a third party: if you have a family member who lives close to her and who you get on fairly well speak to them and ask them to relay information about any major event and how to contact you. But make it clear you are not wanting to resume regular contact, only to be of help in case of emergency.

I would not contact her again directly though as if you are dealing with a toxic person they won't respect your boundaries.

I have made my choice and went full non contact with a parent who lives in a different country. I have made it clear to relatives too that I want nothing to do with anyone and that should they need to contact me about any legal matters it should be done in writing and I will respond through a lawyer.

I had to do this for my physical and mental health but also because when I was still maintaining loose contact with her she tried to drag me into her inheritance fraud scheme after my father died.

I was going through hospital treatment at the time and I only picked up the fraud at the last minute and thankfully stopped her through my solicitor. If I not done that I would have been an accomplice and fined or even jailed by the equivalent of HMRC in her country. I realised then I must protect myself on all fronts because none of them can be trusted...

I must say I am so much happier now that I am far, far away from these people who I have never considered family anyway.