I think I’m finished with my marriage - what happens now?

[2Confused2Think]

We’ve been married 15 years and have kids aged 11 and 9. I have felt different the last couple of years. I feel uncomfortable with any intimacy - sex is rare and the last couple of times I have felt really bad as can’t get into it at all.
I’ve said a few times “this is not how I want to live my life” but just get what feels like a patronising pat on the head. We mostly get along platonically but I feel squashed.
I also suffer from depression. I did think I was just dead inside but having met someone I ‘like’ realise maybe I just wasn’t in the right relationship any more.
Anyway, I am working through the emotional side of things and have a session with a counsellor later, but how do the practical things work?
I assume we have to try and live in our house together for a time, but how do we draw up boundaries and gradually disentangle our lives?
Any thoughts on how I figure this out is much appreciated!

Before you do anything, get your ducks in a row, get things like copies of any financial stuff, his wage slips, bank statements etc, you birth & marriage certificates, same for dc, passports, driving licence, any medication. Get yourself a stash of money in a bank account in your sole name, get cashback when you go shopping or some from your joint account if you can do this without him knowing, this is for if you have to leave & need a deposit for a rental & to tide you over should you need it. Pack a bag for you & dc in case you need to leave, remember anything like precious things like photos, jewellery etc. If you have anything of sentimental value that you can remove without him knowing, take it, do you have a friend who you can trust to look after these things for you? Always keep both sets of your car keys if you have a car plus the log book, insurance documents etc. Get a copy of your latest mortgage statement as well. Find a good family law solicitor & get an appointment for advice.

Yes. Any worn out personal items, shoes or whatever. Replace them before you blow your word apart.

Tell your husband that you want to separate. He might decide to move out, you never know. I'm sire you already have possession of your own important personal paperwork and you won't need photocopies of his salary notifications etc if you are married. Everything will have to be disclosed in a divorce. Hopefully you have your own job and income?

She needs to get copies before she calls time, husband's have been known to squirrel away money during separation.

Do you own your own home or rent, if you rent whose name is on the tenancy ?
Do either of you have private pensions ?
Do you have joint and personal bank accounts ? If you don’t have your own account open one now. And get any wages and child benefit paid into it.
See a family solicitor about a divorce, you can often get the first chat free. You can do this now while getting your ducks in a row.

And do you work ?

@Nat6999

She needs to get copies before she calls time, husband's have been known to squirrel away money during separation.

This

I was told that they look at the last 12 months of your bank accounts, so questions would be asked if large amounts went missing.
You need to be aware of someone taking cash back, and money out the ATM.

Thank you. This is exactly the practical stuff I need.
I already have photographed payslips and p60, mortgage statement, locked away my own ID docs and kids ones.
I have taken screenshots of all the bank accounts and anything else I can think of.
We own together (joint tenants) and mortgage always paid from joint account. I have own account and savings, but I think he has more and haven’t been able to get a look at it.
I work but not full time. I look after kids before and after school.

I told him a couple of days ago I was having a big think (after some health stuff) and so he is in shock and getting to grips with that. I’ve agreed to see a counsellor to discuss which is tonight.

Be honest and firm. Say you don’t think it’s going to work out. Don’t lead him on it’s just painful. You know you want out. Time to do it

Should I not get past Xmas?
And I feel I need the practical plan of what happens next to present him with as it’s me who does that stuff.

Think about what you want to happen, do you want to stay in your home or are you hoping he’ll leave? Could you afford to buy him out, can he afford to buy you out? What property is available for sale or rent in your area, what could you/he afford on one salary?

Have a look at benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent and what he’d be due in child support. What’s your financial situation like just now eg do you have equity in the house, savings, debts? I found that knowing where I stood financially made things much easier because I knew what my options were.

Realistically you’ll likely need to live together at least until one of you find somewhere else to live so think about what that would look like. Do you have a spare room to move into and if not how will things work? How old are the kids and when/how will you tell them - I’d suggest not doing so until you’ve both agreed who is living where and what contact arrangements will be in place.

It sounds like you’re at the early stages here, so take your time. Do think about what you’d like life to look like - that may not be how it turns out but having an idea yourself gives a starting point for discussions.

In all honesty, I also needed to know that he’d be ok in terms of money and living space etc for my own peace of mind. He’s my kids dad and I don’t want him to end up in a poor position so started financial discussions from a place of what felt fair after a long marriage rather than what was legally possible. It’s hard when there’s no abuse or infidelity because there’s less anger to propel you through things, but there’s also an opportunity to split without bitterness and to be fair with each other.

You can speak to a solicitor now, he doesn’t need to know.
Solicitors get busy after Xmas, you may want to start the process now but agree together to put in a show for Xmas.
It’s up to you, but get ahead of him and get those ducks in a row. You don’t know what he’s doing.

We have some equity in house but only moved the beginning to the year so have annoying mortgages with penalties.
Thankfully the move means we have a spare room and so I am there already.
His parents live super close and have a spare room and money in the bank, which I suppose means he’ll be ok.
@IknowwhatIneed I am with you on wanting everyone to be financially secure.