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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm so jealous, don't know what to do anymore. Please write only if you can help

38 replies

Joanna93 · 14/12/2021 21:13

I don't know even if I can call it jealousy but it is definitely ruining my relationships. At times I know I probably am unreasonable, but it won't help how I think and feel. I feel...insulted? betrayed? when my husband watches for example movie and there happens to be naked women/sex scene. I immediatly think that he thinks sexually of them, fantasizes and compares them to me and thinks why I can't be so perfect as they are. Maybe and probably this is only in my head because he really is very good husband and says he doesn't think/look that way but everthing and everyone says that men are like that I can't believe he is different. I know he probably never cheats on me but I even feel more paranoid about the thoughts he has. If he speaks to some women or a beautiful women passes, the problem is same.
I seriously don't know what to do. If I continue this I or him will go insane but I don't want to lose such a good man. This problem goes even beyond looks/beauty. I get jealous even if someone is very smart or talented...Why have I been made this way? Most women won't think such thoughts. I even don't know why I wrote here, what suggestions I am waiting...

OP posts:

Kleptronic · 14/12/2021 23:53

OP, no-one in the throes of negative thought patterns ever thinks therapy will work, but it does. Yes, sometime you need to try different styles of therapy before one chimes with you, but what have you got to lose? You already know you can't go on like this.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 23:55

Finding the right counsellor can be a bit like dating - you need to try a few until you find one you genuinely click with. Surely it's worth a try?

Kleptronic · 14/12/2021 23:57

And knowing that you can't go on as you are is the first step, OP. Many people never get to that step. So good on you for knowing where you are and that it needs to change.

It won't change if you do nothing to help yourself learn how to get out of these thought patterns.

BasicDad · 15/12/2021 00:10

I'm not sure where you are from OP, but talking therapists in the UK aren't allowed to prescribe antidepressants.

I still think you're trying to deflect and get justification for how you are. Everyone is going to tell you that you need to find more and better help.

You can choose to be on your own, but I don't think that will fix anything. Be kind to yourself, you've not done anything wrong, you just need a good nudge in the right direction. Good luck.

thatsallineed · 15/12/2021 00:45

You say your mother told you not to compare yourself with average people, but to compare yourself with the best.

Just about everyone in the world knows that they aren't the best. Whether it be brains, looks, or whatever else, they know that other people are better than them. They accept it, and they also accept that their family, friends and other people they love will not be perfect either. They love them because of who they are.

The problem is that when you have really low self-esteem you concentrate on your own failings and nothing else. You become so insecure that you can't believe that anyone would be happy with you as you are. You think that they will always be comparing you negatively against some unattainable perfection.

You know that feeling like this all the time is ruining your relationships. You can't stop yourself from thinking all these negative thoughts. The trouble is, that because of it you are bringing about the very thing you most want to avoid. I agree with other pp's who say that you would really benefit from some counselling, so that you can learn to love yourself.

IamGusFring · 15/12/2021 01:04

@Joanna93

I think it hasn't anything to do with it but probably western culture...

Are your parents immigrants from another culture ?

IamGusFring · 15/12/2021 01:06

I don't have faith in therapy...how can talking heal me? I feel it is so deep in me...

I thought this too but i was wrong , CBT helped me see how past experiences cause things which can be changed or rethought .

user478932071 · 15/12/2021 09:11

This has nothing to do with being from a different culture as if jealousy and conservatism doesn’t exist in the UK, please go away with your shitty negative view of other cultures lol.

@Joanna93 this has to do with trauma from your ex, what exactly happened there, why did he make you feel “jealous”? Antidepressants will help but that’s the last resort. Therapy doesn’t really help in the sense that it won’t cure you straight away you have to put in the work, it’s an outlet and talking should make you feel lighter as you say.

Imworkingonit · 15/12/2021 09:13

Many years ago I used to feel how you describe and would also have said it was deep within me and impossible to change.

I don't remotely feel that way any longer and haven't for a long time. On a very basic level, I think what helped most was to recognise that it's ok for people to have whatever thoughts they have, it's what they do about them that's important. Once I stopped imagining what was being thought and started focussing on actions, I could identify where things were actually disrespectful to our relationship and decide where my boundaries were. It made a big difference.

So I can definitely confirm change is a possibility and I agree with pp that talking therapy may really help.

Quartz2208 · 15/12/2021 09:16

What is your realtionship with your mother like OP?

I think truthfully that therapy (and picking the right kind of therapy and therapist) is your only way to solve this

Rynet · 15/12/2021 09:20

You need a hobby

GooglyPenguin · 15/12/2021 09:50

Actually, I think the point on culture is valid.

I have the same thought processes as the OP and my parents are East Asian where competition and Tiger Parenting is a huge thing. I was instilled to be competitive and compare myself and be the best...and as a PP pointed out, it fosters a quasi-jealousy lens through which you view life.

OP, I have therapy for the problem you have. It does work. It's not overnight. I talk to my partner about flare ups too and he is patient and understanding. You can't live like this. Please just try?

IamGusFring · 15/12/2021 10:19

@user478932071

This has nothing to do with being from a different culture as if jealousy and conservatism doesn’t exist in the UK, please go away with your shitty negative view of other cultures lol.

@Joanna93 this has to do with trauma from your ex, what exactly happened there, why did he make you feel “jealous”? Antidepressants will help but that’s the last resort. Therapy doesn’t really help in the sense that it won’t cure you straight away you have to put in the work, it’s an outlet and talking should make you feel lighter as you say.

Just goes to show that you have little idea of the different values and attitudes and different cultures . It is not negative to make these observations . I've lived my whole life in two very different cultures .

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