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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to be a friend to someone in a controlling relationship

3 replies

randomisednm · 14/12/2021 20:42

Hi, I have a new friend that I have known less than a year and they appear to be in a controlling marriage. They have been married several years and have children. I’m reluctant to give details as it’s not my situation but she is ‘not allowed’ to do some very basic things or go to certain places. Sometimes she will changes plans if her husband doesn’t want her to do things. He turns up a lot when we meet. She seems nervous a lot, although maybe that is not related. She has mentioned being frustrated with the limits he puts on her but she is concerned about his mental health. He won’t seek help. She says it is not his fault and that it has been much worse since covid started. She hasn’t talked much about it but I am concerned for her. I know that I am only seeing a snapshot.
How can I be a good friend to her? I’m not sure if I should ask her about it or whether I should say nothing. Should I be pointing out that it’s seriously not normal? Or would that isolate her more? It seems wrong to pretend like it isn’t an issue but I don’t want to make her feel put on the spot. I would be really grateful for any advice.

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 14/12/2021 20:47

I think you should say what you've said on here.

Say you care about her, value the friendship, don't want to stress her but you've noticed a. b. c. which are unusual and is there anything you can do.

She has probably normalised being controlled and cannot fathom leaving the relationship.

God isnt it awful seeing someone you care about being abused 😔

He won't like you, he'll have clocked you as a threat.

I guess just open the conversation and see where it goes. Definitely don't ignore the elephant in the room.

randomisednm · 14/12/2021 21:06

Thank you, that’s helpful. I think I’m a bit worried about blundering in but maybe I can draw her out some more. I really feel so sorry for her.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 14/12/2021 22:19

God isnt it awful seeing someone you care about being abused

It really is...

I say approach it really carefully as she may well get defensive if she's in the denial stage. Also as 50 says if he clocks that you're on to him he may well try to cut you out of her life.

It's a tough one.

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