It's time for me to let him go isn't it

[Chocolateisthefix]

I've just had the worst weekend with my boyfriend. We've not ever been able to settle in regards to his last relationship. I'm not insecure and I'm not jealous. But it's really obvious to me that something (although not sure what) hasn't been dealt with. When my boyfriend separated from his girlfriend of 8 years in 2019 he was drinking heavily and very depressed. Its what wrecked them but she was not innocent and played her part by having no time for him. Although I wasn't there and don't know who did what first etc. They sound like very different people aswel who had different social interests and probably both made the other feel like crap.

Throughout the 16 months we've been building up our relationship she's been a part of us. I don't know why as I've never laid eyes on her in person. But my boyfriend tends to mention her and the past alot. They keep in touch by text. They go through stages of chatting then she will go moody (like when he told her off for saying I wasn't stood enough for him) I think it is actually her that gets in touch first now. But I listen to what he says about her and I can sense the roller coaster of emotions he's still experiencing. She helped him alot after the split as he needed to get help and therapy. She really shouldn't have been going to see him and she was the very thing he needed to get used to not being there. But she did it and it led to them being emotionally confused and telling everyone they are just friends. I've been told by my boyfriends cousin that just 2 months before meeting me he was saying he wanted her back. So he was still wanting her in summer 2020. His cousin did say he doesn't want her now they are over and he only speaks highly of me.

I just can sense it. The only way I can explain it is I feel like I am not actually his girlfriend. Im supposed to be but I feel like I'm just not her and his heart is still bruised about loosing her. He will tell me until he's blue in the face why he doesn't want her and why they didn't work. But there's little things that just niggle at me.

I sat down with a friend this morning and said I'm not going to fly in there and dump him just before Christmas and make us both feel like crap. But I've emotionally dealt with it myself and I've realised that nothing he's giving me can be real or true until he's cut ties and made peace with the past.

He's still choosing to push back on me in regards to her. He won't do the most simple things like lock down her old pictures of them snogging and cut back on texting. I've finally realised that I don't need to keep testing and expressing it to him anymore. I just need to see it as he is showing me. That whatever he feels about his past is still winning over his new relationship and keeping that strong and positive.

I need to accept emotionally its over and come to terms with it for a while then I will end things with him when I know my heads fully clear.

Do l you think from whatever written this is fir the best?

It's absolutely for the best. You don't feel like his girlfriend because he's still emotionally involved with his ex. I don't see any reason to wait until after Christmas either. The sooner the better, and you'll feel more relaxed once you've done it.

It definitely does seem the best. Are you supposed to be spending Christmas with him?

Very sorry you're feeling like this, OP. But your feelings are completely valid and you should trust your instinct. If you're still not feeling like his gf, it's because emotionally he isn't invested 100% in you - and by the sounds of it, needs to be on his own and deal with the break up before dragging others into this shit show. He can't build a future with someone while he's still so involved with her day to day. But of course he doesn't want to lose you, because he wants his cake and to eat it too.

You don't have to wait till Xmas - in fact, it will feel more sad to be living this charade through a time you should be surrounded by friends and family who love you. End it now and seek refuge in your people.

You don’t feel like his girlfriend because you are not. You are his counsellor / therapist who ( I assume ) he has sex with. Do you also cook his dinner, wash his socks and lend him money ?

He’s using you @Chocolateisthefix and you deserve better.

If you were my friend I’d be telling you to leave him now . Not after Christmas because then it will be new year. And then not in January because it will probably be some kind of mini lockdown.

And then not in February because he will be depressed / drinking too much and beside that’s the anniversary of his cat’s death.

There will always be a reason.

He will no doubt fight to keep your services.

If you're going to end it, then for both your sakes do it straight away - I've never got the whole "wait until after Christmas" thing.

Would you enjoy his company and want to be with him if he did cut off ties completely (physically and emotionally)? If not, I'm not sure what your question is in the first place.

But if yes, it's time to sit down and communicate. Express your feelings in a firm non-confrontational way, and allow him the chance to take the step forward. Otherwise what a waste of your own past 16 months and any potential happiness.

Thank you. I don't think I will ever put my finger on what it is exactly as they have had alot of chances to be together if they wanted to be. My boyfriend has always stayed consistent, he even said he had considered telling me go message her or getting us in a room together. But I don't understand that as his ex tried to tell him she was just worried women will take advantage of his kindness and then when he told her I did alot for him she responded with a sarcastic oh marvelous " my name," so she isn't exactly at the tell her I said hi stage.

We are spending Christmas together yes and have done gifts now.

Its just so hard as if she was gone we'd be absolutely happy together. He doesn't drink heavily now, infact he's not had a drop for a year. He's happier. I don't know what it is. They've not been in a room together for over a year. But she has something of his she's storing for him still so I presume there's still going to be a day they are likely to come face to face. It's weird. My boyfriend never seems to offer her a coffee or to come over and he's never been to hers. She's blocked on facebook now and it seems it is actually always her that sends a message saying hi How's you. But I never know where the conversation goes after that initial message and I'm not going to request to see or know the ins and outs because that's just making me look controlling. When he blocked her he stopped mentioning her. I know she text to ask why and he said he was fed up of her looking at who he talks to and questioning him. She went off for a month and said nothing then went back to How's you. I have asked myself if it's just her that has feelings still. But regardless he hasn't cut her off or put clear boundaries in place. Which tells me that one or both of them want to feel they have some sort of control over the other still. He's 45 and she's 39 so they are old enough to not be playing games. Wn

Doesn't sound like there was much time between him breaking up and being depressed, and him starting a relationship with you? He just dived into the next relationship, which wasn't very kind to you?
And what's he doing with pictures of them snogging?
My bf broke up with his ex years ago, and the other day he was showing me some old photos of him, then one of him just with his arm round his ex turned up and he apologised for that!
Maybe it would help you uncouple from this guy if you could summon up a bit of anger about him constantly bringing his ex up, etc.? It's not very nice of him, is it?

They were over for 2 years when we met nearly but I think he didn't tell me enough about the situation he was still in emotionally. I remember him telling me really upbeat that they grew apart and they are still mates and she pops in for a cuppa but that was it. He then positively told me he had told her about meeting me and she said I knew this would happen but I'm happy for you.

But then it became Me and my ex. My ex. My misses at the time. I remember after a couple of month's of us just chatting he 3was saying not long ago she was hinting at giving things another go and asking him if he still fancied her. He claims he told her that he didn't at all and she got upset. Then he would tell me about her going off with her friends for wold weeks and how she'd come back with a sex toy once and he reflected on she often made him feel like shit because she would go away alot and be posting silly photos online whilst he was home alone.

Then he went through a stage in the summer telling me she was contacting the NHS herself and finding put research regarding corona and she had been sending him facts and figures.

We've been bickering about her alot since the end of summer because she knows we are giving things ago and she still will text him and say who's the girl who's liked your profile picture. Why do you speak to such and such.

So there's alot of weirdness between them.

No it's not fair on me. I feel misled. But he still won't budge. He insists she's nothing to him now. Not even a friend and he hardly heard from her. Says she's not what he wants. Even though they split 3 years ago. The first year they remained in the same house angry and not talking. The second year he moved out and struggled to get over her and she started supporting him. Then the 3rd year he's been involved with me the whole year and I think he's very keen on us working but he just can't switch off from the ex. He said to me last week she tells him nothing and he has no idea what she does etc. But a few weeks before that he was telling me about these lights she's making with old bottles. So his stories change alot.