Am I being silly!?

[Jedi1976123]

Hi everyone
I'm 44 years old and have been married for 20 years to an amazing woman and we share 2 children. After three dates and about a week after I first met her she went on a girls holiday. She slept with somebody one night and kissed somebody another night, they shared a bed but nothing more happened and I believe her on that. She came clean when she came back and explained the sex was so quick and meaningless she told him to stop. I had difficulties dealing with it at first but eventually the memory faded. Something has triggered it off and my imagination is going off in all directions and I'm in a bad place and questioning what she told me. I don't want to talk about it with her because I was not very nice when we talked about it all those years ago and I don't want to lose her. I know I'm probably being way to sensitive and she's been a loving loyal wife. Any advice much appreciated. X

You are entitled to feel this way, although, unless something specific has happened to trigger this memory / emotion I would probably not say anything, especially if she hasn't given you any reason to doubt her since.

In all likelihood she could have not told you at all even when it happened and you may never have know, so the fact that she 'came clean' seems like a sign that she wanted to go in to the relationship with honesty.

I can't say I'd deal with it very well even all those years later and I'm sure it is still very hurtful for you, but unless she's done something to make you doubt her I'd let it lie.

What's brought it back up after more than 20 years OP? Do you have any reason not to trust her?

I don't understand why you are torturing yourself over a one night stand that happened over 20 years ago BEFORE you and she were even in a proper relationship...

Sounds like you need to give your head a wobble

What triggered you?

What she has done back then is not good at all, even if you had only few dates before. I dont know how you managed to keep the relations and get married, I couldnt.

She'd only known you a week when she went on holiday.

Bear that in mind.

So you’d only known her for a week when she went on this holiday? And it’s been a couple of decades since? What has happened to suddenly have you going over it in your mind?

Surely you had made no commitments to each other after three dates and seven days of knowing each other so I don’t understand why it was such a big deal to you then, let alone 20 years later.

It was a week and 3 dates in. Tbh I'd see it as a good sign, she told you as she didn't want the relationship to start off with lies. You've been together 20 years now and if she's not done anything similar im wondering what's kicked this all off. After a week and 3 days I'd not consider myself to be exclusive with anyone unless we'd expressly had that conversation. I think yabu.

20 years ago and so early in your relationship and you have already spoke about it and dealt with it.....

MOVE ON And MOVE ON QUICKLY

Bringing up old things isn't healthy especially it is hasn't bothered you for 20 years. Almost looks like ur looking for an excuse especially as you haven't actually spoken to her about it

This was traumatic to you, don’t let anyone down play it. Sweeping it under the carpet obviously hasn’t worked.
I would advise you see a therapist. It might be something you can say work through quite quickly. You don’t need to speak to your wife about this if you think it might be damaging.

"questioning what she told me"

What are you questioning? She already told you that she slept with one of them, are you imaging she might have slept with the other too? It's possible. Would that be a big deal? She was basically single at the time. And it was 20 years ago. I think this is something that you need to get over, maybe with a therapist if needed.

You knew her a week, you weren't even b/f and g/f at that stage (or g/f and g/f?) it was 20 years ago. You have no right to still be angry about this imo She really didn't do anything wrong, you were barely dating back then and she told you straight away

She would have been better off not saying anything, are you making her feel guilty about by any chance?