Shit shit shit.... old why why why??!!!

[Ohfurflipsake]

So I've been in an on/off relationship past 3 yrs with someone I loved do very much. However from day 1 it's been heartache after heartache. He has mh struggles. When he feels good he is a wonderful gentle loving partner but the other side of that is when he isn't in a good place he can be distant and he can be defensive and attack. Over the years ive had so much heartache that this time i have decided it needs to be over for good. He left me 4 mnths ago (has left me at least 4 times in 3 years) saying no time for relationship, which is true because he is so absorbed by his own struggles I have felt on my own for most of our relationship. His struggles are massive, I have nothing but love and compassion for him but I also wont be an emotional punch bag and so I have to move on and not have him back in my life.

So at the weekend my friends and I downloaded tinder on my phone so we could project it on the TV and have a night of profile viewing. Just something we have done for fun previously, looking at some of the pretty shocking chat on profiles.... Don't ask me for money..... Photos that makes your eyes water not in a good way etc.

Came across a lovely profile, friends were like he has so much in common with you. So I swiped right. He messaged. We've had lots of very lovely messages and he seems a lovely genuine guy. I still feel totally raw and was not intending to put myself out there for quite some time.

So.... Two things.... If I feel I'm still raw should I just back off and say not ready don't meet him etc and re emerge once I feel I've healed. Risk that he might be a good match for me and I might miss the moment?

Also we live in a small city and share a hobby so Im confident he will know my ex. This feels quite difficult on so many levels but unless I give up the hobby that I love or move cities I think it will always be an issue.

I just don't know what to do for the best.
Please give me your wisdom

I think you should go for it. You're not committing to marrying someone. Go on a couple of days and see how it goes. If you're still not feeling it then fine but you never know.

I'm confused about the hobby statement. Why does it matter at all if you all share a hobby? Because your ex will find out you're dating again? Who cares honestly. He's your ex. He left you.

This ex of yours has way too much control over your life. One piece of advice I give is if your ex does see you're dating and suddenly comes running back you need to be strong enough to tell him to f*ck right off.

No doubt your ex will come running if he realises you've moved on. Well, that's his problem.

If you have the chance of dating someone lovely, grab it. You've been in a prison cell with that other guy - you are now free to leave and live your life without him.

I think you should go for it. You could always be open and honest with the bloke and tell him you're still a bit raw from a previous relationship, but you'd love to meet up and take it slowly. Worst case is it doesn't work out and you had a few nice dates

As for your ex and the hobby, so what if he does find out, that's his issue

I also vote that you just got for it. There's no harm in feeling it out, going on a couple of dates and exploring the idea of a relationship with someone else. If you still feel the same way after a period of time, then you can back out without obligation. However this could end up being something really good for you too. It's always worth it for me.

It’s been 4 months. Get back out there. It’s fine.

Please go for it and see if this guy wants to meet for a coffee/ drink.

You've been very compassionate about your ex but he ended things, and it's been 4 months. You're not doing anything out of order here.

Plus, regarding the hobby, it doesn't matter if they have crossed paths. Why shouldn't you meet someone you have common interests with? If you're in a small town, there may be some connection anyway. If you want to be respectful, just don't go into detail about your ex's problems or your last relationship. I mean, with a new date, you wouldn't anyway.

Your happiness is important, you really
tried with the last guy by the sounds, and deserve to get back out there.

Bite the bullet. I was in a similar scenario and when I met the next guy he totally helped me over it and to realise I was worthy of love and showed me what a good relationship looked and felt like. I’m not with him and he actually broke my heart but I am forever thankful that he showed me what a toxic mess my first relationship was.

Go for it and don't talk about your ex on the date!

I wouldn't even consider meeting anyone off a dating site. There will probably be a lot of people looking for hook ups at Christmas time,the lonely ones etc.

Your ex's mh is not your responsibility. You need to live as well. We only get one life.

Go for it op , just think of it as nothing serious and don't over think it and you will be fine . Enjoy the attention you deserve it.

It depends on whether you can cope with the potential ups and downs of dating. And whether you're not just using this guy as a crutch or you really think it might work.

Go for it and give him a chance.

All the best op,

Try not to over think. It’s just a drink.

Go and have fun with a decent man!

Thanks guys

Omg so I went and met him
I'm so glad I did. But honestly I'm such an over thinker.....already!!!
All this dont get too involved too quick etc how do you put that into practice? I feel like I want to know everything now (I know that's impossible just trying to explain where my head is at ) it's like checking to make sure I'm not going to get excited about him to then discover some deal breaking issue later on. Fuck.... I'm not ready yet am I. I never used to be this fucking neurotic The last 3 years have shredded my heart

Glad you went to meet him!

Just take it slow with him.
as in not texting him all day and making him your life. It's easy to get caught up when you're excited about new possibility.
Agree with not mentioning your ex at all or being vulnerable.

Let him plan some nice dates and enjoy!!

Thanks @RantyAunty I definitely won't be texting too much I'm busy and so is he. It's more in my head I'll get running away with myself.

It's weird because I've felt so flat the last 4 mnths and now it's that feeling of electricity in your body, the attraction. He smelt good. He have me a hug and it was lovely. Definitely have chemistry.

@AryaStarkWolf

Go for it and don't talk about your ex on the date!

This!

Oh sorry, missed your later messages! That desire to know everything is a good thing, excitement and anticipation! It probably means you like him hopefully a second date soon

Omg second date last night. I fancy him so oooooo much I need to reign myself in. He's very restrained.... Feel like I'm all over him. Not sure if I'm more tactile (or possibly horny 🙈) but he is not forward with the physical stuff. Wondering if he's slightly terrified of me. I'm quite confident and he's quite shy and nervous. I'm trying to let him take the lead but it's hard. He's physically my ideal man.....oooft.... Its been a while

Just read my post back. I'm not a man eater honest
But it's like being deprived of chocolate and then having a bar under your nose....smelling it but you're not allowed to eat it

Don’t scare him off! :-) He sounds great so just chill with it and good luck 🌺

Thanks @SunflowerTed I am trying not to but he's even not great at flirting and I guess it's about me needing that reassurance that he's actually into me.

He's very unusual. But in a nice way. I need to be patient and just enjoy that feeling when it's all so new and exciting.

Flip he smells good