Why why why do I do this? And how to stop?

[Wuishj]

NC to a totally random username as I’m very embarrassed that I do this!

I’ve once again met a perfectly nice man. He’s responsive, absolutely no games that I’m aware of so far, chatty, interested in me, plans dates and isn’t fussy about things, got a decent job and seems to have a nice relationship with his family, lots of friends.

Why is it that I’m not attracted to him in the same way that I would be to someone who looked similar, had a similar job, but day to day was more of a mystery? I feel like I am actively choosing the wrong men. The last man I was in a relationship with was basically the same as this man except he was a lot busier or didn’t have the same time to dedicate to us or was far more withdrawn in affection etc. I went all in trying to make that relationship work, which of course ultimately it didn’t.

I know that if I carry on like this I will end up alone. Why do I do it? I don’t believe myself anymore that I’m just ‘not attracted’ to the nice ones, because they are, on paper and visually, almost identical to the difficult ones.

Why am I not attracted to affection towards me and a desire to be around me? Why do I feel better around complication and more importantly how do I stop it?

OP this is me!!

I actively go after men with insecure attachment style- I'm with a really nice new guy- he is attentive, nice and does what he says he will- as a result of this I feel like I don't fancy him much!

Everyone likes a bad boy. The good ones are left behind. I don't know why we do it!!

@crochetmonkey74 because a bad boy is a challenge

But I don’t think the OP is describing a ‘bad boy’, just someone who’s less of an open book?

@crochetmonkey74

OP this is me!!

I actively go after men with insecure attachment style- I'm with a really nice new guy- he is attentive, nice and does what he says he will- as a result of this I feel like I don't fancy him much!

@crochetmonkey74 exactly this!!!

Why?! I am attracted to being treated poorly it seems!

@Corbally

But I don’t think the OP is describing a ‘bad boy’, just someone who’s less of an open book?

@Corbally yes exactly. Anyone with issues or going through a crisis and I’m there.

Meant to be meeting nice guy for dinner tonight and I cringe when he tells me he’s been looking up places for us to go to. So frustrating.

I've had to really ACTIVEly address it in the way I would sort out a broken tooth, or a health issue

I am always jealous of friends with long term steady men - I say that is what I want - then choose flaky commitment phobic emotionally unavailable men over and over again but I am determined to change!

You say the men are basically the same. No wonder you're bored. They won't be the same at all. They'll be two completely different individuals. If your perspective is so bland, no wonder you have to keep yourself interested with some form of chase. These men won't really be boring. The problem will be an emptiness about you. Fix that and you will find people interesting and different. You won't need a game to stay interested.

Look to your relationship with your father or other significant male when you were growing up. I'll bet you had to work for his attention and/or he was absent doing "interesting" things rather than being at home.

Maybe you ought to lighten up and just enjoy the fact that men seem to like you and want to spend time with you. Enjoy the dates as valuable in themselves. Then one day when you're least expecting it, bingo!

From what you've described it sounds like it could be an insecure attachment style- this is your psychological 'type' in a relationship, formed by our childhoods and our past experiences. Anything that doesn't fit this mould just feels wrong, even if you know on paper the guy that you've been seeing would make a good boyfriend. What you're explaining sounds an awful lot like an 'anxious/preoccupied' person who is into 'dismissive/avoidant' men. There's loads written about it online. @crochetmonkey74 is correct that you need to actively address this if you want it to change, but its definitely doable!

What’s your relationship with your father like? What was it like growing up?

Purely anecdotal, but the women I know who grew up with lovely supportive male (parental and other) figures in their lives, tend to seek lovely supportive low-drama male figures in adulthood. Not always, but usually. Those with absent, lacklustre or abusive male figures often seek to recreate that dynamic. As lots of fathers have historically been pretty shit, we get the ‘girls love a bad boy’ trope and the cycle continues.

Hi. Therapy can help shift this. And there is reading you can do on attachment theory and maybe Alain de botton on why we will marry the wrong person. It’s great you are recognizing the cycle -first step to shifting it. There’s also some interesting neuropsych theory/ideas that we are too wired some of us by our dopamine/reward/high system than our ‘soothe/safe’/oxytocin system. Lots of theories around it which may or may not have any truth but helpful ‘lenses’ to try and observe yourself through.

Here can be 2 reasons:

1. You just dont like him. It happens. If the guy is nice, it doesnt mean that everyone should be into him.
2. If you only like "bad guys" and continue liking them after you figuring out that they are bad, then its a psycological issue and its a good subject to discuss with therapist, why do you get yourself to neurotic relations by choosing bad guys for relations.

@Sweetlikejollof

What’s your relationship with your father like? What was it like growing up?

Purely anecdotal, but the women I know who grew up with lovely supportive male (parental and other) figures in their lives, tend to seek lovely supportive low-drama male figures in adulthood. Not always, but usually. Those with absent, lacklustre or abusive male figures often seek to recreate that dynamic. As lots of fathers have historically been pretty shit, we get the ‘girls love a bad boy’ trope and the cycle continues.

I think this could be true tbh. I have a very good relationship with my dad and so get very turned off emotionally closed off/complicated men. The minute I realise I have to chase or overanalyse, I'm done. And all the relationships I've had, including my current one - the one thing they've had in common is they all were very communicative, put the effort in and no hot/cold drama.

The way I rationalise it is - the time and energy i spent on trying to analyse the relationship or make it work, I could spend on furthering my career, hobbies, developing myself. I find relationships where you have to spend all your time wondering what/how/when/does he like me etc take away from productive time on things that would benefit me. My job is high stress enough - so any man who wants to be a part of my life needs to be releasing stress, not adding to it.

Maybe if you look at it through that lense, you will get resentful of men who suck up time on non value-add activites (like worrying, chasing etc) and prefer the nice, interested men instead? I do also think with a lot of the nicer guys, they do have very interesting personalities - but they don't wear it like a badge of honour like the emotionally immature do, so it takes a bit more time to uncover that side of them. Emotional intelligence is incredibly sexy anyway (the kind of guy who can deal with conflict calmly and reasonably, rather than shutting down like a petulant teenager) - so may re-orient on what is sexy and what isn't.

@todaysdilemma Very much yes to all of that.

Lots of great advice above. Also the uncertainty and stress which come with dating someone unavailable can be addictive - there’s more relief/more of a high when they show up/treat you well than when you’re with someone who is reliable and consistent. It’s bound up with the MYTH of being the one woman special enough to tame the bad guy. Literature is full of such stories (even, arguably, classics such as Pride and Prejudice, which I love) but it’s bollocks really. It’s also unhealthy and definitely worth looking to fix. Women Who Love Too Much could also be interesting for you.

@Sluberry

From what you've described it sounds like it could be an insecure attachment style- this is your psychological 'type' in a relationship, formed by our childhoods and our past experiences. Anything that doesn't fit this mould just feels wrong, even if you know on paper the guy that you've been seeing would make a good boyfriend. What you're explaining sounds an awful lot like an 'anxious/preoccupied' person who is into 'dismissive/avoidant' men. There's loads written about it online. *@crochetmonkey74* is correct that you need to actively address this if you want it to change, but its definitely doable!

I'm finding this really interesting and currently working on it in therapy

It may be to do with your attachment style which is formed in childhood. If you weren't securely attached to your primary caregiver for whatever reason you may be more 'comfortable' with more emotionally unavailable 'mysterious' partners because that seems normal to you. Therefore the secure 'nice' ones feel unnatural to you. Have a look at Alain de Botton School of Life on YouTube.

If it's causing you problems therapy is a very good solution to move you to a more secure style. Emotionally unavailable partners can cause all sorts of issues ie having to chase them, being unfulfilled, lack of commitment etc.

I say this as someone who never had a successful relationship until I worked on it in therapy.

I’m really interested in this. I am exactly the same as you OP, and I generally wouldn’t doubt that my relationship with my slightly detached and aloof father has something to do with it - BUT I have three sisters who all have the same relationship with my dad and they are all happily married to lovely, straightforward men.

I could have written this post OP. After a few months of dating I broke up with an emotionally unavailable, dismissive man that I’m still very attracted to….I decided to break the cycle and leave, against my feelings. It’s difficult and I’m still thinking about him every day. But I decided to put myself first.
I’ve started dating a really nice guy…perfect on paper. He treats me amazingly well. Guess what? I’m nowhere near as attracted to him as to my previous bf. But I really want this relationship to work. I hope I won’t sabotage it.

@Chachasha

You say the men are basically the same. No wonder you're bored. They won't be the same at all. They'll be two completely different individuals. If your perspective is so bland, no wonder you have to keep yourself interested with some form of chase. These men won't really be boring. The problem will be an emptiness about you. Fix that and you will find people interesting and different. You won't need a game to stay interested.

@Chachasha this is interesting!! Something to consider.

I was so bad for this 😂 for years. Things I did. Read mr unavailable and the fallback girl. Made a promise. Noone else will do this to me, even if I end up alone the rest of my days trying to find mr nice-and-also-sexy. It just takes longer. Also, its worth saying that nice guys aren't an entire group with the same qualities. Some nice guys, sorry to say, are SO predictable and consistent it can feel...1 dimensional sort of dull. Some nice people are also exciting and charismatic. You just might have a long wait before you find one

Look into dark triad personality traits.

Also on the flip side just because someone is nice isn't reason enough to have a relationship with them. Don't pressure yourself.