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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive or Arsehole?

18 replies

NewCreation7 · 14/12/2021 07:10

What is the difference between emotional and financial abuse and just being an arsehole?

I've been advised to report behaviours to the police as I've been emotionally abused but I still can't really see it. I think he is just an arsehole. So what's the difference?

My friends husband, who has experience of this said to me one day I'll "wake up" and realise how fucked up everything is.

I just can't accept that I'm someone who has suffered this. I don't want to go to the police. I'm worried about the consequences.

OP posts:

thesockfromtheroof · 14/12/2021 07:17

Could you give examples of said behaviours so we can help you work it out?

Original poster

NewCreation7 · 14/12/2021 07:23

Financially. He won't pay towards our son. Will not pay me maintenance. But also he wouldn't help me when we were together. I funded my whole maternity leave and pay all nursery fees, all clothes, food, toys, activities and nappies etc.

He told me I'd need to cover his bills through winter if he couldn't pay them but he never offered me the same. And if he went part time (like me) I'd then need to cover more of the bills, mortgage etc but I pay half and didn't get that allowance. He earns about 15k pa more than me.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewCreation7 · 14/12/2021 07:26

Emotionally. Put downs about everything. Cooking, cleaning, how i raised our son. I never knew what version of him would come in. If I stood up for myself, he would tell me I'm being firery and shut me down. He would tell me things that happened that didn't or vice versa. Has an excuse for everything which is my fault i.e. he wouldn't change nappies because I hover over him telling him he is doing it wrong. But I never actually did this. He refused to change them for many reasons. Etc.

There is more but this is long enough.

OP posts:

santasmuma · 14/12/2021 07:27

I'm not sure there is a difference.

Lifewith · 14/12/2021 07:31

Well what do you think OP?
Look up emotional & financial abuse and see because it certainly seems that way.
Your friends husband is probably talking about the 'lightblub' moment when it all slots into place and you see the abuse rather than being in the thick of it.

Lifewith · 14/12/2021 07:34

If you don't want to go the police, could you speak to some professionals and get some advice?
It takes a while to process. And it can happen to ANYONE, abusive men pick anyone they can to do this to, anyone vulnerable they can get in and work their tactics

chasingthunder · 14/12/2021 07:34

It is and was definitely abusive.

Flatandhappy · 14/12/2021 07:37

What you describe is definitely abusive behaviour, you can be an arsehole without your behaviour falling into the realms of abuse. This guy is an arsehole and an abuser. You need support from people used to dealing with this, maybe try talking to Women’s Aid. I wouldn’t go to the police tbh as they tend to have a narrower understanding of domestic violence, good luck.

Sidge · 14/12/2021 07:45

It sounds like you’re now separated so I’m not sure what going to the police would achieve?

He’s obviously an arsehole and was financially and emotionally abusive, but if you’ve left him I’d focus on moving on, raising your son and coparenting as best you can (if you need to) with strong boundaries and minimal interaction.

Seek some therapy if necessary to avoid getting into another relationship like that.

FabriqueBelgique · 14/12/2021 07:45

I didn’t realise or believe I was in an abusive relationship either. It only hit me really when someone started treating me well. It was a weird mind-fuck “awakening” and I was in shock that I had let myself be treated that way for years, thinking it was normal.

Yes you are being financially and emotionally abused

Original poster

NewCreation7 · 14/12/2021 07:51

Thank you all. I still can't quite see it. How did I let this happen to me? I'm a strong person. I just want to get away from him forever now.

OP posts:

Lifewith · 14/12/2021 07:56

Op don't victim blame yourself. Change the question to how could he do that to you. How could he do that to his child.

ThisWormHasTurned · 14/12/2021 08:17

It took 3 different people pointing out I was in an abusive relationship before I accepted it. I’d say it’s worth doing the Freedom Programme online (it’s only about £12) and reading “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. When I started reading the latter, I could do only a bit at a time because it was so hard to realise that it applied to the man I married. I also spent about a fortnight saying “I’m in an abusive relationship!” to myself…I thought of myself as strong, although I see now how I’m vulnerable too. It’s quite common for abusive men to go for strong women, there’s a sense of pleasure in “breaking” you. It’s a drip, drip, drip effect until you look at your circumstances and think “How the hell did I end up here?!”.

I think what you need is strategies going forwards. Work out how you handle him, Grey Rock technique might help. CMS for child maintenance. Only discuss things related to your DC. Please do read what I’ve suggested above. It’s really helped me.

Original poster

NewCreation7 · 14/12/2021 08:25

The police thing is because of a specific incident. I'm still not sure.

I will do the freedom program. My very good friend said she'll do it with me. I'm not sure I'm ready yet.

I think unfortunately I've half woken and can see how unjust everything is and I can't cope with it. It's horrible. Feeling this anxious all the time.

OP posts:

Jayaywhynot · 14/12/2021 08:27

Disengage, use email for contact only, don't give him headspace, easier said than done I know.
Apply for cms, he has to pay towards the upkeep of DC.
He does sound mentally abusive, start keeping a log, backdated if you can remember issues.
I'm sure other mners will be along soon with better advice.
Unfortunately, due to DC, you will have to have some form of contact, however, you can't change his behaviour but you can change how you react to it or how much you let him affect you. Good luck op ♥️

thenewduchessofhastings · 14/12/2021 08:29

Both.

It's possible to be an abusive arsehole.

FabriqueBelgique · 14/12/2021 08:37

I had a thing I didn’t report to the police too - he was tracking me using software. Me now? I would be straight to the police. Back then, I thought I was over-reacting.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/12/2021 17:51

All abusers are arseholes. Not all arseholes are abusers, just a pain in the tits to live with.

Your ex definitely qualifies as an abuser.

The police thing is because of a specific incident. I'm still not sure.
Could you speak to women's aid and get their advice? They can support you if you do decide to report, but will never pressure you to do so against your will. They can also advise on likely outcomes.

If you're in the UK, please apply to CMS to get maintenance deducted at source. That is money that he's literally stealing from his child. If he stops working in retaliation, CMS will deduct from his benefits. Please don't think "oh its not worth the hassle" - this is a sign that you're still living in fear of him.

The scales have started to fall from your eyes. You are going to have a brilliant life free of this bastard, and be 10x the parent you would have been living in his shadow.

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