Alcoholic??

[Shiteshow100]

Can anyone help. What were the signs of an alcohol problem in a relationship?
Back story here is I recently started a new relationship and quickly found out I was expecting (now 14 weeks). Problem is I thought he just liked a few beers at the weekend like most do after a week working. However we don't live together and we facetime, I've noticed beer cans in the background or he seems a bit squiffy.
I've made comments regarding this and he denies he has an issue just he likes a beer after work but I have a feeling he's not being honest to the extent that he is drinking.
The one thing that has made me question this is that being pregnant one of my aversions is alcohol so I told him no drinking this weekend. He didn't drink but had shaking hands like he had withdrawals.
I'm not sure if I'm overthinking or if this is an issue. Advice please.

If you continue the pregnancy you will in all likelihood be raising this child as a single parent. You should also consider giving this child your surname.

All that you’ve written re him points to him having an alcohol dependency. He cannot be at all relied upon going forward.

It’s a bit difficult to know. People normalise drinking alcohol so much nowadays that you practically have to be injecting into your veins to be deemed to have a problem.

If he’s lying about his intake though I think there is an issue. Perhaps ask him what he thinks the boundaries should be and work them out between you rather than dictating them to him.

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes I'm prepared to be a single mum with this child, I have other children which I was also alone raising so I know what it is.
This child will be having my surname and having been raised with one parent who drank excessively I'm fully aware of the damage it can do. Thankyou as you seem to have the same mindset as me regarding that.
@MynameisWa that is the problem isn't it. Personally I feel drinking each evening which I'm pretty sure he is doing, and heavily on the weekend poses a problem. I drink (obviously not at the moment) but it's not regularly but I obviously need to think on this before baby comes .

sounds like a problem drinker to me. and as we know one of the big issues in problem drinkers is denial; particularly to themselves so he won’t be telling the truth. personally o would steer well clear. i would also consider carefully about having this child; as the mother of a child with an alcoholic father I am quite convinced that there is a genetic side to the addictive personality.

@Fleetheart I will definitely be continuing my pregnancy and just hope and pray I can steer my child on the right path as my mum done with me. Coming from that background I agree with your comment regarding a predisposition to addiction. My mum taught me well and it is breakable.

Good luck OP, wish you all the best. not an easy route

@Fleetheart thankyou. Hope things go well for you too. Goodness life is never easy.

@Shiteshow100

Can anyone help. What were the signs of an alcohol problem in a relationship? Back story here is I recently started a new relationship and quickly found out I was expecting (now 14 weeks). Problem is I thought he just liked a few beers at the weekend like most do after a week working. However we don't live together and we facetime, I've noticed beer cans in the background or he seems a bit squiffy. I've made comments regarding this and he denies he has an issue just he likes a beer after work but I have a feeling he's not being honest to the extent that he is drinking. The one thing that has made me question this is that being pregnant one of my aversions is alcohol so I told him no drinking this weekend. He didn't drink but had shaking hands like he had withdrawals. I'm not sure if I'm overthinking or if this is an issue. Advice please.

If his hands shake when he is not drinking - yes, that is withdrawal and means than his alcoholism is a long term issue.It is usually many years before that starts happening routinely. This is is not something you can ever solve or help him with, and the nature of alcoholism is the secrets (eg hidden bottles), lies and denial associated with it. My advice, no matter what else you decide to do, is not to live with him, not ever. Only people who have been though it can ever really understand the hell of being even with an alcoholic. It is a progressive disease, like all hard drug addiction, and like watching a slow motion suicide.

@Ariann thankyou. I'm agreeing with you, I have my mum coming over today to visit so I'm going to speak to her about it as she dealt with the same thing with my father and I saw first hand what happened there.
He asked if he could move in when baby is born but I had reservations straight away around that.
Apart from that he's a pretty lovely chap and absolutely brilliant with my older children, but I feel like it's obviously been part of his life for quite some time and I'm not here to fix anyone.
It seems from these comments I was thinking along the right lines and my childrens happiness will always come first.
I don't even think an ultimatum would work as he'd just hide it from me. Very awkward position and definitely one I didn't want to find myself in at nearly 40!

Good luck OP. My heart truest goes out to you but agree with the other posters that I’d prepare to bring baby up alone. You will be so much better off and you’ll do a great job.

I have a friend who is an alcoholic and they are just beyond help. It doesn’t matter what anyone does or says.

You have the chance to start out with your baby the way you mean to carry on rather than build a life with Your partner in it and then have to undo it all at a later stage.

@MynameisWa yes I agree. I've made a lovely life for myself and my children even though it's been alot if hard work. Everything is secure and I have no intention of bringing anyone into it who cannot make a contribution or make it better, which he won't if he does have a drink problem. Instead it will be me subsidising his addiction.
Thankyou to all of you for your comments you've helped me to think of a clear path forward and it's much clearer. Also nice to know that my thoughts were not being influenced by hormones as such.

You sound very sensible and I'm sorry this is something you're having to think about.

Imo alcoholism is an illness which can only be managed if the alcoholic truly accepts the problem themselves and seeks proper support to recover e.g. though AA.

I hope one day he gets to a place where this happens, but as you say, it's not for you to fix. You can't.

Wishing you the best for your new little one.

@CactusLemonSpice honestly I cannot believe I've got myself into this position but I will sort it and do whatever it takes for my little one. If it costs the relationship I'm hoping that will be a wake up call and he may think again if he wants baby in his life. Luckily his mum and I get on very well so contact etc won't be a problem as she will definitely help out there. So much to think of but first step will be to have a very serious chat with him as he's not even upfront with how much he spends on drink a week but judging by what I see/know I'm thinking around 40-50 a week which is ridiculous.

Why are people advising the child shouldn't have its father's surname? It makes it sound like he was just a sperm donor.

@Calamitydrayne

Why are people advising the child shouldn't have its father's surname? It makes it sound like he was just a sperm donor.

Because why should the child have the surname of their father by default? When their father is alcoholic and won't be primary carer of the child, but the mother will be primary carer and is a responsible, stable parent?

If a couple aren't married and their child takes the father's surname, would you ask 'why have you done that, it makes the mum sound like just an egg donor'?

Interested to know your thoughts.

Like everyone else I think you're going to have to go it alone. The shaking hands are a really bad sign - my late husband had those when he had to be sober during an entire day (but denied it was anything to do with alcohol). It started about 3 years before he died of heart disease.

It's a hideous addiction that damaged everyone in the addict's life and your insight is serving you well.

@Calamitydrayne

Why are people advising the child shouldn't have its father's surname? It makes it sound like he was just a sperm donor.

Traditionally children take the surname of the mother. But as mother and father were usually married, child would have father's last name, as it was also the mother's last name now through marriage.

A lot of women give their child the father's last name, split up with him and then wish they'd given the kid their own last time. Also makes it easier when getting on planes etc. That's probably where that advice comes from.

As an aside, if there's a drinking problem, I heard it's best not to ask alcoholics to quit cold turkey. If they do decide to get sober, the process should be managed carefully.