No sex for 4 years I don't know what to do

[itsnotallrainbows]

Me and my partner have been together for 8 years and have a 5 year old child. Sex hasn't always been constant but it existed! ( let me just add he cheated at the beginning )
But we haven't had sex for 4.5 years and I am drained of it all. Iv tried talking to him countless times saying how I want that connection back and it feels like a friendship rather than a friendship but no effort has been made.
He says he never thinks about sex, he says he's lost something and is embarrassed to go to the doctors. He's tried viagria and that didn't work.
We are both in our 30's and it's got to the point where I don't want it anymore because I have been trying for the past how many years and if anything was to happen now it would feel forced.
I need some advice if you was in my shoes
Thank you

Sorry OP, but are you sure he isn't getting it elsewhere?

Is this hte only problem or are there others?
This was one of many contributing factors why my relationship broke up i couldn't deal with this you're right it's just not a relationship anymore

If the viagra doesn’t work, he has no sexual desire, this will never change, just leave.
Sorry

I'd leave him in your shoes

You've already wasted so much valuable time, don't waste any more. Your relationship is dead.

Leave

I see you are not married. You could leave and find someone who does respond to your needs. You don't have to stay in a celibate relationship. Your dp is either too embarassed to talk about bloke stuff to his Dr. or has such a low libido that he no longers cares about your desires.
You are very young and should have many decades of fulfiling sex to look forward to.

For me it's the psychological side of it, and the desiring of it, that I need to improve upon, because I try to look after the ladies needs first, I'm more focused on the technique and taking the time with the toys and equipment we use, that I then forget about my mr so to speak and I don't mind taking care of him as and when, my main priority is the ladies enjoyment.

For me it's the psychological side of it, and the desiring of it, that I need to improve upon, because I try to look after the ladies needs first, I'm more focused on the technique and taking the time with the toys and equipment we use, that I then forget about my mr so to speak and I don't mind taking care of him as and when, my main priority is the ladies enjoyment.

He says he never thinks about sex, he says he's lost something

You can't conjure sexual desire from nowhere, you're flogging a dead horse I'm afraid.

Tbh it sounds as if as a relationship, it's over. Do you think you can have an honest talk on that basis? You'll always be parents together, would it be better to admit that's what you are and stop trying to be lovers too?

You may have to face the possibility that he has lost sexual desire for you but won’t admit for fear it losing his family.

Quite a few other people have posted about this recently too. You might find the following thread interesting if you haven't seen it already:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4374940-sexless-marriage-thread-anyone-want-to-join

I'm not sure I've seen anyone post about finding a way to improve things after that length of time, sadly. It seems like your options are to carry on like this or to split up.

From a male perspective it's odd for a man in his 30s to have no sexual desire - when I was that age I would have needed - ahem - relief at least once a week. Are you sure there is no medical/psychological problem? But if he won't engage with it then you have to decide whether to accept it or move on.

I left a sexless marriage in my 40s. In many ways I wished I’d left in my 30s. Get out now. This won’t get better and it’s no way to live unless you’ve actively chosen it.
For me, there was the lack of sex, lack of closeness and also the killer - the fact that my ex’s embarrassment, apathy whatever was much greater than his desire to make me happy / us closer by doing something about the issue. He just put his head in the sand. And it cost him his marriage.

This is the exact situation I found myself in some ten years ago, we were both late 40's and my partner and I had not had sex for over 3 years, I tried talking to her, asked her if she would go to counselling, I did everything I could and she refused all offers. After 2 more years of me trying even harder, we split, it got to the point where she would not even talk to me.
You're only on the planet once, don't spoil your own life because the person you live with/married/wanted to spend the rest of your life with has no desire to commit to having a full and loving relationship with you.
I know there are many reasons behind the way we are and I went through hell, but when we eventually went our separate ways, the kids were over 18, the mortgage was paid off, there was no debts and she was financially set up, it was me who had nothing and had to beg, steal or borrow furniture etc to set up a home.
She's now in debt, owes over £5 grand on credit cards and has only just paid off a bank loan she had to take out to pay off her last debts.
My life has turned 180 degrees, I now have my home how I want it and even though I'll be 61 in 5 weeks time and I'm no oil painting, I have a lovely lady in my life who couldn't be further from how my ex was and I'm very happy. I am annoyed with myself though, for not doing it earlier. Don't wait, get out as soon as you can and live your life.
Your a long time dead.

@itsnotallrainbows
Hi OP, im in the same boat ( other end ), my partner of 20 + years has lost all sexual desire post menopause, we have had sex twice this year, it was pretty terrible, she has no desire and makes no effort in bed any more ( we used to have an active sex life), she is like a different person now and I’m planning on leaving, I think I would rather be alone now than with someone who doesn’t want me anymore