Narcissistic mother and mild argument.

[Woosers]

My mother txt me to call me out on something she saw as 'rude'.
I told her my reasons for doing it and pointed out I'm not a child and I don't appreciate her scolding me like one, and that it was really non of her concern (was nothing to do with her at all)

She replied that she's my mother and she will call me out to the day she dies if she wants to. That I was rude and how dare I speak to her that way etc..

I told her my reasonings and she immediately escalated.

I told her it's not a big issue, I wasn't getting upset over it. Especially before Christmas and that I love her.

She left me on read. This was last night. No reply.

I'm just so sick of being the adult in this relationship. Why can't 2 grown adults have a conversation without it turning into a 'shunning' for days or weeks?

Theres no way I would do that to my kids. Especially not when they try to diffuse the situation and offer an olive branch. And not reply to 'I love you'

She was VERY abusive in my childhood. Admittedly since my teens (and grandkids) she's been a lot different but still has these moments where the 'old mum' comes through. Some really shitty incidents (trying to physically attack etc)

I'm just tired of it. I love her so much but when things like this happen all the stuff she did to me as a kid flies to the forefront of my mind and I feel like I want to scream at her 'remember what you did to me?!'

Which I did once before and somehow she came out the victim in it all

Mentally tired of it but can't go NC. I wouldn't see my dad and my anxiety wouldn't allow me to attend family gatherings with her there etc. So I just keep the peace.

Sorry, just reread anhlf there's not really any point to this thread is there? Guess I just wanted to vent.

Read up on Grey Rock technique. It saved my relationship with my father.

Narc Parent: Attack attack attack.
You: There's someone at the door. I'll call you back. [you don't]
Etc.

Vent away! Families are tough and your mother sounds like hard work. Since she's vowed to 'call you out' until the day she dies...maybe come up with a strategy for coping with her? If she sends you a call out text either ignore it or send a completely beige reply like 'thanks for this, i'll consider'. Don't react in a way that feeds the drama or opens the door for a longer conversation. Just stay neutral and preserve your own mental health. If she's 'shunning' you then think of it as a holiday from bullsh*t. Try not to let it get you down, OP.

Ah those techniques sound really interesting. I'm sure it will make her super mad though 😂

Firstly, sorry you experienced abuse as a kid and are getting all this crap still now. And secondly, agree with pp re grey rock technique. And if you're able to, via therapy or reading, work on your boundaries, what you will and will not put up with. She won't like it, but your job is not to please her, your job is to look after you.

Woosers

re your comment:-
"I'm just so sick of being the adult in this relationship. Why can't 2 grown adults have a conversation without it turning into a 'shunning' for days or weeks?"

Your mother is not an adult emotionally; her emotional development stalled around the age of six or so so she is very much a child in an adult's body. It is really NOT possible to have a relationship of any sort with someone this disordered of thinking. Whatever you do and or say is wrong and you need to detach completely from this. Keeping the peace as you've tried really does not work with narcissists so stop doing that. Do not also keep replying to her messages; this keeps a door of communication open that should remain closed. People like your mother like nothing more than a fight and or the last word and replying to her messages gives her both with you giving her the ammunition. Do not forget either that she has, with the assistance of dear dad, trained you from an early age to put her own needs and wants first with your own needs dead last.

I would also think that both parents here are the root cause of your anxiety; your mother in particular certainly has not helped in that respect and nor for that matter has your dad.

Re your dad I would not let him off the hook here either because he is weak, a bystander to her abuses of you and her enabler. He has abjectly failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviours and has also thrown you under the bus more than once. He cannot be at all relied upon and he's not going to help you. The only person he wants to help is his own self and he would much rather see you as his daughter cop all his wife's barbed comments.

Its not your fault your parents are like this and you did not make them that way. Narcissistic abuse is real and it takes a long time to recover from. I would suggest you read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, read the website Out of the FOG, read "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride and read and post on the current "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

So what if she goes super mad!. What else can she do other than shout and holler?. Nothing, take away her power by not giving a fig about her. She does not care about you and has also made the terrible choice not to love.

The men in such women's lives are often as narcissistic as they are or are otherwise discarded. You probably remind her in some ways of him; a man whom she has always hated.

reading your post just makes me feel sad, OP. Its like a no-win situation.

I think one thing worth remembering is that narcissists (unless the most malignant kind) are not nasty all the time. Though IME I wonder if they are not quite detached when not being nasty - which is not quite the same as genuinely nice or joyful or loving etc.

The VERY abusive in childhood stuck out, and I also feel sorry for that and that you sufferred in that way. You sound like a lovely person at heart, and you have this at least in your favour.

Personally, if she's still abusive at times, and you remain in contact, this will come up again and again. All you can do is distance yourself. But then when you do that, sometimes that feels weird too. After all if you are that 'distant' whats the point in a relationship at all. No easy answers OP.

P.S. I can understand maybe re seeing your father even if I don't fully understand why you can't see him separately, but why anxiety re. family gatherings if she's there - you can hold your head up VERY high and just avoid her? Are you still frightened of her in some way? I assume you've had some kind of therapy for this? Perhaps some more might help you tease this out more.

Its very difficult. I'm sure many of us with narcissistic relatives understand .

I'm not frightened of her. I genuinely do love her and wouldn't want to not see her, that would make me feel awful.

I'm not one of those people that's very family oriented (outside of my kids) but I would like to have a relationship with her.

She's still not replied and is due to visit today as its my sons birthday.

She will, no doubt be standoffish and ignore me because I stood upto her.

That's all it comes down to. She doesn't like being challenged or told she is wrong.

If you want to keep a relationship with her but want to avoid emotional upsets, distress, shouting and anger (and thats going to be v difficult with a narcissist) then you just have to be LC/VLC and grey rock. Never respond to a bait or even direct abuse except to remove yourself e.g. end conversation. I think its possible to keep this for a time, a long time even, once you understand they are fixed the way they see the world and the threat of them experiencing narcissistic injury is always present. Speaking from my own experience I would say to just be aware that, INEVITABLY, at some point, this will come out as direct abuse of you out of nowhere and you have to grey-rock it, suck it up, not respond etc etc.

@LivingLegend

If you want to keep a relationship with her but want to avoid emotional upsets, distress, shouting and anger (and thats going to be v difficult with a narcissist) then you just have to be LC/VLC and grey rock. Never respond to a bait or even direct abuse except to remove yourself e.g. end conversation. I think its possible to keep this for a time, a long time even, once you understand they are fixed the way they see the world and the threat of them experiencing narcissistic injury is always present. Speaking from my own experience I would say to just be aware that, INEVITABLY, at some point, this will come out as direct abuse of you out of nowhere and you have to grey-rock it, suck it up, not respond etc etc.

I agree. With my DDad, when he got aggressive, I'd say, 'Oh - I just have to!" but not finish the sentence, as if I'd just remembered something and then I'd leave the room. That way I wasn't lying as what I 'just had to' do was leave the room .

Sometimes I even went for a walk before coming back. I always waited until I felt OK before I returned. On the very rare occasions he asked where I'd gone, I'd just say, 'Oh I just had to sort something out. Who wants a cup of tea?'

The good thing about this is that we got on far better. Much cooler and more distant but less aggression and manipulation. It certainly suited me better.