Married for 10 years, husband showed signs at the very start of our relationship (violence, name calling, breaking things) but I stupidly ignored them because I felt like I was never going to meet anybody else.
I gave him kids because stupidly I thought it would change him.
The years have been scattered with toxic arguments, him roaring at me for the smallest mistakes or if I dare disagree with him, physical violence - not punching, but taking me by the scuff of my neck and throwing me to the floor, he is double my weight. He's put his hands around my neck, pushed me into walls, cornered me against walls and banged my head back. He's made threats of suicide, chased me with a knife, broken knives by hitting them against the surfaces, thrown food onto the kitchen blinds and floors, thrown food and drink deliberately onto white carpet, breaking cupboard doors off their hinges, and most recently, breaking my work laptop by continuosly smashing it on the worktop. All while the kids have been in the house - not always in front of them. But sometimes he did, and of course they hear the roaring regardless of where they are in the house, they're not deaf. He broke and deformed a frying pan by smashing it against the sink repeatedly, all while I was holding 22 month old DS. If I try to walk out and remove myself from the situation, he follows me.
When he was chasing me with the knife (we were home alone), I started calling the police. It connected, he stopped chasing me, but I felt instant fear that involving the police would make it worse so I hung up. They must have heard some screaming, they called me back, I answered and said I was ok (he was right next to me). They didn't believe me and without telling me, sent a van round of officers to check. I said it was just a silly argument and that I overreacted. Husband came across calm and collected, friendly even. I could see in their faces that they didn't believe me, but what could they do if I was in denial.
After the laptop incident I finally told him I wanted him leave and this time that I meant it. After every toxic argument we've always said it's the end, only for him to carry on like normal the next day and gaslight me into thinking it was a non event.
I literally could be here all day writing down everything that's happened, I have only recently started telling a close friend and my family, and even then it's a fraction of the truth.
In response to the violence and aggression, my self esteem and mental health is in bits, I show zero affection to him, I can't naturally want to hold his hand, hug him, sit next to him and spend time with him or even share a bed with him. This has made him resent me even more and this becomes his main attack argument when we fight. He thinks I don't have his back. He doesn't understand that by treating me the way that he does when in a rage, he doesn't have mine.
I was praying for the day he'd go. I have told him that there's a very high chance that I don't want him back after the separation. I feel like I have to manage this process carefully so that he doesn't kick off and dig his heels in if he knows that I've pretty much already decided on a divorce.
Yet the day has come and I'm crying every day. I miss his presence in the house, his jokes that I wasn't ever in the mood to laugh to, his playful side etc. He had some good traits, but unfortunately his bad side was destructive. Don't know what it stemmed from as he would refuse counselling, insist he doesn't need it.
I'm fed up of feeling sad. I want to start rebuilding my life. I no longer feel angry - it was so much easier when he was here and I was harbouring resentment towards him, I felt stronger and I don't understand why or how . Are these feelings normal? Am I grieving for losing HIM or am I grieving my failed marriage? Am I feeling sorry for myself for not having the marriage I always hoped for? I am arranging counselling with a psychotherapist to try and unpick some of what's going on in my head and heart, but any advice or motivational words would be so helpful.
This is the first time I've written some of my experiences down and it feels so cathartic.
Thanks for reading x