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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on wether to stay

9 replies

DBI78 · 13/12/2021 06:25

My oh and I have been together about ten years. For a number of years we were madly in love and things were great. We began to struggle when our child (who has health needs) was born. We also had I'll parents and both had stressful jobs. My oh couldn't cope and threw himself into work leaving me to manage. My mh massively declined and I had a breakdown. After that I became a sahm which helped and things improved. Even so my oh does very little interms of family life but I learnt to manage. Since then oh mh has declined and he struggles now, when he's with us he is alway unhappy/stressed/angry. He's obsessed with his physical health and spends hours in his home gym working out, making healthy meals and protein shakes and reading up on health. We recently got a dog who's a bit of a nightmare and we are trying to train so there are times when I need him to help either with our child or the dog as I struggle to manage both. And also need him to work with dog as training needs to be consistent. This has made him more angry and stressed as he is use to me doing everything. (One of reasons we don't have more children) for past few years I've always tried to bring him up, make him feel better and I've encouraged him to get help with mh which he doesn't really deal with. Lately though I'm sick of being only one who tries, he never compliments me, initiates sex, plans anything to do together. He never wants to do anything not with me or friends who he has kind of lost contact with as he never makes effort. After a bad day recently I told him he could leave if he wants he got upset and couldn't understand where I'm coming from but when I talked about our relationship he said we aren't as close but he feels a relationship is worth "persevering " with. I asked if he would fight for our relationship and he said he doesn't have the energy. I don't know what to do I can't see anything changing do I keep trying or move on? It would be hard on our child if we split up and I'm not sure how my oh would cope. But I want to be happy.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/12/2021 06:28

It sounds like your relationship has more than run it’s course and your partner isn’t making any effort at all with you. You know what you need to do

GoodnightGrandma · 13/12/2021 06:28

So you’re not married ?
Do you rent or own your home, if rent whose name is on the tenancy ?
I’m assuming you still don’t work, so how would you keep yourself ?

DBI78 · 13/12/2021 06:53

@GoodnightGrandma I work part time now and we get benefits for our child plus I'd get maintenance.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 13/12/2021 07:21

That’s good, sounds financially do-able.
What about somewhere to live ? Do you think he would leave ?
How do you feel about parenting alone ? You might find it easier without him.

Quartz2208 · 13/12/2021 07:26

Yes I think you need to have at least a trial separation and see how it goes

DBI78 · 13/12/2021 08:51

@GoodnightGrandma I'd stay in house with our child oh would move out. I think he would be reasonable just such a big decision

OP posts:
Bypassed21 · 13/12/2021 09:09

I'd recommend a book called Too bad to stay, Too good to leave. It takes you though various aspects of life and really makes you ask yourself some difficult questions. It can be difficult reading/soul searching but it helped me come to my own conclusion in a methodical way.
Good Luck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2021 09:20

End this relationship now before you and in turn your child further get dragged down. There is nothing about this relationship that should be preserved; he's only saying that because he wants you to continue to carry all the mental load.

I would also look into rehoming the dog now and besides which this animal should never have been taken on by yourselves.

Never assume that your man will be at all reasonable going forward. He may come across as reasonable now but that state could all readily change particularly when you are ready to separate.

Angrymum22 · 13/12/2021 10:04

I think that your partner is depressed. Your own mental health issues mean that you are not seeing the whole picture. Sit down and have a heart to heart, don’t dismiss his mental health. If he admits to having problems encourage him to seek help.
It may not save your marriage but it will help you both move forward into good coparenting and an amicable separation.

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