I'm so sorry I fear this is going to be long. Will try and be as concise as possible.
Background: I am 13 weeks pregnant, been with DH for 16 years. DS almost 2. Have had doubts about his behaviour in past and even spoke with Women's Aid back in the summer, but then reverted back to burying my head in the sand, I guess.
Waking up to the fact DH is selfish and a bit of a narcissist, maybe, and interested to know what people think or if it's just pregnancy hormones skewing my perspective before I throw away a long marriage.
DH doesn't like if I stick up for myself, always says "don't argue with me", says I use the wrong tone of voice or facial expression. I have taken to putting on a fake cheery voice to try and avoid upsetting him but even that doesn't work sometimes. I feel like I am treading on eggshells a lot. Things I do around house are wrong, such as where I put things, the attachment I use for the hoover. He snaps and raises voice and then says it's offensive and rude that I cower because it implies he shouts at me. Very sarcastic and if I don't hear him or answer straight away he snaps "hello?" at me. Never apologises, except sarcastically such as yesterday he said an Amazon order with some face masks wasn't coming till next week so I said no problem, I had better grab some from shop for now. He says "well sorry! It's not my fault!" even though I was being perfectly friendly. Makes me feel rushed all the time, I end up getting so nervous and flustered I drop things and my heart races. Is very patronising and if he wants things done a certain way will sigh and say "we need to do this this way" even though it's something only I do around the house.
Trying to think of some recent examples. He didn't speak to me for a day and a half because he said I slammed car door. I didn't, I was carrying a rucksack and another bag and had got DS out of car and used foot to close door but he got very angry saying I slammed the door and I know I did and stormed off. He snaps at me for things I do with DS - DS got hold of one of my old mascaras and started painting a mirror with it. I started cleaning it up and his hands but DH came along and said what on earth was I doing letting him do that, did I think that was wise, he did not want "his" son having mascara on their face (he didn't but DH seems very concerned about DS appearance, has said before he is to wear brand names and play football at school, doesn't want him growing up to be a snowflake). When out for a walk there was a cat being sick which DS thought was funny, DH snapped at me why was I letting "his" son see that, shaking his head at me. He will speak to DS but be making a dig at me such as yesterday saying "that box shouldn't have been left there for you to trip over, should it" even though it wasn't in way at all. Last Christmas he said we spent too long at my mum's although were there less than an hour, and said this year we are only to spend 20 minutes there. He has since retracted this but I am dreading the aftermath already, knowing he is going to moan about how long we take opening presents. When I found out I was pregnant this time round I really struggled initially to get my head around it and how I would cope. I went downstairs after DS asleep and burst into tears, was hyperventilating saying to DH I don't think I could cope with the pregnancy (at time was being sick multiple times a day and DS not sleeping at all) and he didn't even hug me, just said "for gods sake I was hungry and wanted to have my dinner, couldn't this have waited" before unplugging chip fryer so hard it moved down the worktop. He is not physically abusive but does slam things around now and again. Lots more examples but just a few off top of my head.
I have not had a lie in since before DS was born. DH wakes when he wants. He is and always has been a terrible sleeper, still waking multiple times a night. I am suffering with sickness and PGP this pregnancy and do not get any respite, I cosleep with DS to try and get a break and am up every couple of hours while DH is in bed from 10pm-7am. On his days off when he gets up he will say I should have woke him. If he ever does take DS to park etc he is back home within 20 minutes. However I am a SAHM (gave up work after DS born when no childcare due to covid) so do expect to do lion's share. Equally housework I do most of, he does wash up (badly) some nights but that is it, for example last night went up to bed leaving bins overflowing and dirty worktops etc for me to sort although has two days off. Lots to be done around house including putting a side gate back up, hedge cutting, tip runs etc but he will moan about state of house / gardens but not do anything to rectify. He never ever cooks. Last time he did was when DS was two days old and he made such a big song and dance about it. Has a takeaway addiction and moans about having no money. Last week spent £90 on new earphones while I was struggling to pay for food shopping and nappies. He finishes work at 4 most days and will come home, sit down and play on phone and make himself a coffee which he gets to drink hot, rarely offers me a drink. If I try and bring anything up he gets very offended and storms off even if I try and mention something in a joking way, so I just don't bother anymore.
He is permanently glued to phone. I mean he never puts it down, when interacting with DS, meal times, day trips etc. When I get up throughout night I can see the glow from his mobile phone as he sits up all night playing on it. He is obsessed with crypto / bitcoin so spends all his time on phone doing things relating to that. I do sometimes wonder if he's talking to other women but no way to prove or disprove. I feel like he is a teenager, his room has clothes all over floor, empty alcohol bottles, vaping stuff. He only eats beige food (yesterday said he is going to start eating better before having biscuits and crisps for dinner). He also vapes in bedroom and in pantry where food is kept but I've asked him not to, or to at least open door/window, as smell makes me feel sick and gets on everything, but he doesn't.
I wouldn't say he's a terrible dad but he is quite impatient, sighs a lot and gets moody and snappy. Recently I had a driving lesson in middle of day and when I came back I asked DH what DS had had for lunch and he said he hadn't given him anything as he didn't know what he eats, but had made himself something. Equally if I ask if he's had a snack or a drink he will say he forgot. Will take him out without a coat or change bag etc. Plonks DS in front of TV all the time (I am not anti-TV by any means and rely on it to get cooking done etc, but it irks me when he just puts it on so he can sit on sofa playing on phone).
I feel like I may be crucified for having children with this man, but I feel like I've just been so blinded to it and after growing up with an abusive father I think I just sought refuge with him and stayed there and unfortunately I'm only now waking up to it. I have always had anxiety and been a people pleaser so think I have just put up with things, but want my child(ren) to be happy and safe. I feel very vulnerable as I'm pregnant, not well and not working so financially vulnerable also. I don't have many friends at all. He has said before that I would not cope without him, and now I'm struggling with pregnancy I worry he will use it against me. Everyone thinks he's wonderful, his family and friends think he's a brilliant hands on dad and I guess that puts me off leaving even more. For some reason I go blank if I try and think of examples etc, so if someone were to ask what he does wrong I would struggle. I am just finding this existence treading on eggshells and wondering what I'll have said or done wrong really exhausting. I'm not sure what I want from this post really, just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and can offer any advice. Thank you.